You Might Be a Wilco Worshipper If...
Are you a diehard fan of the Space Quest series? Really? Well, see how you stack up to these sure signs that you might be a Wilco Worshipper (most of which were originally posted at the Subspace Channel message forum). If you would like to share some of your own ideas, feel free to e-mail them to me!
Garbage Scow Robot:
You might be a Wilco Worshipper if ...you own copies of every game in the Space Quest series for every platform it was made on.
...all your wardrobe consists of a lavender/grey color scheme.
...you spray-painted your 1978 Firebird silver and named it the "Aluminum Mallard."
...you decorate your living area with empty cleaning product containers, trying to achieve that "Virtual Broomcloset experience."
...you purchase Corona beer, and will not drink it until you have relabeled the bottle "Kerona Ale."
...you refer to your local burger stand as "the Monolith."
...you can actually come up with a list of ten things to put on a "You might be a Wilco Worshipper if..." list.
...you've ever been slapped by your significant other for referring to her as a "Latex Babe."
...you try to get your significant other to change their legal name to "Beatrice Wankmeister" or "Roger Wilco."
...you give up your $100k salary as a doctor for that of a janitor under the alias name "Roger Wilco" because fantasizing just didn't cut it anymore.
You might be a Wilco Worshipper if... you insist on driving your vehicle in one of three speeds: cruise, attack, and light.
...you have constructed any of the locales in Space Quest entirely out of Legos.
...you refer to your living space as the World O' Wonders.
...whenever you see a policeman on the street, you run in the other direction screaming.
...on an related note, you avoid all ice and skating rinks.
...you have painted a mop gold and shown all your friends your coveted prize.
...you always wear knee high boots and a red (or blue) shirt.
...you wear a futuristic belt and claim that it makes you invisible.
...you stopped wearing boxers for either jockstraps or thermal underwear.
...wherever you go, you listen to the Space Quest theme on a tape player of some sort. You whistle it when standing still, rocking slightly.
...you refer to anything you carry as inventory.
...you have dreamt of being Roger Wilco or any other character in the series.
...you try to smell and taste things normal people don't.
...you insist to know the humanoid body inside and out from personal experience.
...you refer to a stationary chair and surrounding desk with controls written on the surface as a time pod (and attempt to go to Space Quest 10 to meet the Latex Babes).
...you have written over 200 pages of fan fiction and are currently trying to cut a book deal.
...you try to jam large objects into your pockets, er, uh, inventory.
...there are dead plants littered around your domicile.
...you attempt to make a trip to RobertaLand numerous times, but fail.
...you state to be from Xenon, observing a primitive culture with no respect for janitors.
...you talk to yourself. Often. Using the name Roger. Bonus points if you respond to it like Gary Owens.
...you search in vain through swamps and marshes for the "Pinkunz".
...anytime you jump, you do so like Roger jumping through the Time Rip or into the Science Bay at the end of SQ5.
...you have played The Lost Chapter completely through at least 20 times and are in the process of creating a novel describing your adventures.
...anything you say is followed by a sarcastic retort, like Gary Owens.
...you credit any achievements due to your clever thinking, and, uh, cleverness (when in fact it is dumb luck).
...you jump at the mention of the phrase "sludge", "vohaul", "sarien", or "jaunty black dress".
...you try to order a 'Big Belcher Combo' at any fast food franchise.
...you learned how to interact with people from a Space Quest game. Bonus points if this is also how you learned to walk.
...anytime you see a gray motorcycle, you have a dire urge to kick it (regardless of the consequences).
...you award yourself points for things you do throughout the day. When you reach the maximum, you start over.
...you are named Troels Pleimert or Decaffeinated Jedi.
...you insist the local arcade carry Astrochicken, or at least Ms. Astrochicken.
...you have a shrine in your closet dedicated to the Two Guys from Andromeda or Roger Wilco himself. If this shrine also has a genuine golden mop, you are too far gone.
...everywhere you go, no matter what you do, you are always wary of either the Sequel Police or the Gippazoid Noivelty Company.
...you do not trust mail in order forms to the point of reading the fine print with a magnifying glass.
...you construct a robot out of a trash can and soup pot, place it in the passenger seat of your vehicle, and claim it is the pilot droid. Feeding it coordinates en route (from the SQ1 manuel no less!) will net you extra style points.
...you paint a status bar above your computer desk, complete with pull down icon bar.
...having had brown hair, you dye it blond and have done so since Space Quest 4 was released in 1991.
...you randomly quote lines from the Space Quest series and quietly chuckle to yourself.
...you always have an overinflated excuse for why something has happened. This always involves plight, loss of limb, impossible battle, cleverness, or loss of clothing.
...you answer the phone "Wilco here." When you hang up, you gleefully respond, "Thank you for using Sprint!"
...anytime, anywhere, anyone insults the Space Quest series, you instantly wipe the floor with them using your golden mop.
You might be a Wilco Worshipper if... you've ever tried to stick yourself to a wall with a bathroom plunger, just to see if it will really work.
...you run screaming at the sight of insurance salesmen.
...you spend all your time sleeping in the closet 'just in case the Sariens attack.'
...you have an inexplicable fear of lime Jello.
...you consider a jockstrap a lethal weapon.
...you have conversations with condiments, trash cans, and various other inanimate objects.
...you've ever stormed out of a Star Trek movie complaining they ripped off SQ
...you salute the custodians at your local school/workplace.
...you try to touch, smell, and lick everything in sight for no apparent reason.
...you refuse to mail-order anything, for fear of being attacked by a psychotic android.
...you wear a mohawk, sunglasses, and a fake pig snout for Halloween.
...you have to cross-dress to access your ATM account.
...you can't find 'dehydrated water' at your local grocery store.
...you search the bodies at the local morgue to see if any of them have a keycard or two.
...you've ever been 'a real pantload.'
You might be a Wilco Worshipper if... you fashion a mock version of the SCS Eureka bridge in your own home.
...you frequently go to bars in the hope of being sent into the future by time rippers.
...you carry around a fish "because it might come in handy."
...you rub yourself with berry juice before going swimming, even in a pool.
...you display your SQ game boxes under glass in your living room.
You might be a Wilco Worshipper if... you choose to move here for no other reason than the return address.
You might be a Wilco Worshipper if... you've compiled burned cd albums of the SQ themes.
...you name your child Roger.
...you visit Oakhurst and break down crying.
...you hunt down ex-Sierra employees' e-mail addresses.
...you've read back issues of the Space Quest FAQ--just to see how they changed.
...the Virtual Broomcloset is your start-page.
questions, suggestions... firstname.lastname@example.org
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