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Space Quest Smackdown
Round One Results

Match One: Roger Wilco vs. Orat

     Live from a rocky cave on the desert planet Kerona, it's time for our first match-up: Roger "The Jaunty Janitor" Wilco versus the terrifying Keronian killer itself, Orat! Let's get ready to TUMBLE!

     Wilco is cautiously stepping into Orat's lair, obviously doing all he can to ignore the horrible stench in the air. If I had to describe it (and I don't), I'd say that it smells like a cross between sweatsocks, moldy cheese, and your great aunt. You know which one I'm talking about. If only your Mom would stop inviting her over every Christmas. I mean, she could just as easily mail her present to you. But, I digress. Let's get back to the match.

     Wilco is glancing around the cave, not seeing any signs of Orat aside from the remains of his last several meals. Uh-oh! What's that? It sounds like a roar from deep in the cave. And, yes, here comes Orat now, and he looks positively livid, folks! Bar the doors, Katie, it looks like we've got a brawl on our hands.

     Orat growls menacingly at Wilco. It looks like he means business. Wilco responds by cowering and ducking behind a large rock near the wall to hide. I can't say that I'm particularly surprised at this turn of events, ladies and gentlemen. Now, Orat is picking something up from the cave floor. I believe it's a small boulder. Yes, it's a boulder. Orat raises the boulder above his head--look at that strength!--and tosses the boulder in Wilco's general direction, smashing it against the rock and sending debris flying in every direction. Meanwhile, Wilco appears to be engaging in some Xenonian form of martial arts that I've never seen before. He has curled himself up into ball behind the rock and is now shaking violently. This is simply amazing, folks--a site to behold.

     Orat is advancing now. Folks, you can almost feel the saliva that's dripping from his toothy maw. What's this? Wilco is producing something from his pocket. Why, yes--it appears to be a canister of dehydrated water. It looks like Wilco actually has a plan in mind. Yes, he's throwing the dehydrated water to the Orat. If I remember my first aid training (and I don't), ingesting a canister of dehydrated water can be extremely hazardous to one's health.

     The canister of dehydrated water bounces to a stop at Orat's feet. He's looking down at it. He's picking it up and studying it inquisitively! Sweet sassy-molassy, this might actually work! This could be the biggest upset in Space Quest Smackdown history! Of course, I should note that this is only the first match in Space Quest Smackdown history.

     Orat is now raising the canister to his mouth. He's opening his mouth, revealing his razor-sharp teeth... no! Orat has dropped the canister! Fool him once, shame on you, Wilco. Fool him twice? I don't think so! Now, Orat is advancing again. If anything, Wilco's stratagem seems to have only further angered his opponent. It looks like this match is going to be over fast, folks.

     Wilco has now realized that his battle plan didn't work. He's standing up... and he's screaming. Screaming and crying like a little girl who's lost her Mommy. And he's running out of the cave now. That's right--Roger Wilco, Savior of the Galaxy and Hero of Xenon, is turning tail and running like a Alderian slime weasel. But, wait... Orat is giving chase. He's determined, ladies and gentlemen, and there's nothing nastier than a determined Orat.

     Wilco is running through the blisteringly hot Keronian desert with no apparent destination. Orat is trailing about twenty meters behind him, but gaining ground fast. Perhaps it's time for StarCon to start requiring regular physicals for its sanitation engineers. Wilco is still running... Orat is about ten meters away. Uh-oh! Wilco has tripped and fallen to the sand. Parents, this might be a good time to send your children to bed. Things are about to get ugly.

     Orat is nearly upon Wilco now. Wait... what's that? The patch of sand between Wilco and Orat is stirring. Is it...? Yes! It is! The Grell, a subterranean Keronian predator has emerged from the sand! And it's about to...

     Holy monkey bladders! I can't believe it! This is amazing! The Grell has actually eaten Orat and returned to its lair beneath the shifting Keronian sands. Roger Wilco wins the match! Roger Wilco wins the match!

     Wilco stands up, looking dazed. Ah... it looks like he has just realized what happened to his opponent.

     "Uh... I meant to do that?"

     And Wilco has now collapsed onto the ground in a state of unconsciousness. I'm sure someone will be around to collect him before his second-round match begins.

     Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of this first-round match is... Roger Wilco!

Roger Wilco, 77.99%; Orat, 22.01%

Match Two: Djurkwhad vs. WD-40

     Welcome to Polysorbate LX for our next first-round match between local favorite Djurkwhad and the killer Gippazoid androidess herself, WD-40! If I were a betting man (and I'm not), I'd say that the odds are definitely stacked against Djurkwhad in this battle. Although he's a physically-imposing challenger (not to be confused with a physically-challenged imposter) with the homefield advantage, WD-40 is a robotic fighting machine outfitted with enhanced strength, the power of flight, a cloaking device, and a couple of chest-mounted laser cannons that could singe the hair off a Tormeenian gopher from a hectar away. She only has one defeat on her record--a fluke loss on Kiz Urazgubi to none other than fellow Space Quest Smackdown competitor, Roger Wilco. Don't count out Djurkwhad, though. We've already had one upset in the first round, folks, and anything can happen when it comes to Space Quest Smackdown.

     It looks like we're almost ready to begin. The combatants are both preparing for battle outside one of the local nightspots, The Orion's Belt. If I were the owner, I'd mark up the drinks and batten down the hatches; we're in store for one heckuva fight!

     Djurkwhad appears to be addressing his robotic opponent.

     "Hey-yo... Dollface--how's about we can this whole hand-to-hand combat stuff and come up wit' a better way of decidin' a winner?"

     WD-40 looks intrigued.

     "Precisely what do you have in mind when you speak of 'a better way' to resolve our scheduled match?"

     "Just follow me, Dollface."

     "My designation is WD-40."

     "Yeah... whatever."

     It looks like they're heading into the nearby video arcade. Yes... and Djurkwhad is leading her to one of the arcade machines.

     "This, Dollface, is Stooge Fighter 3, the finest combat simulator in da entire quadrant. How's about this? Me and you play a game of Stooge Fighter 3. Whoever wins advances to da next round. The loser... well, the loser had better start looking for busfare home."

     "Your alternative means of deciding our bout is... acceptable."

     "That's what I like to hear. Since I'm in such a good mood today, I think I'll even give ya a practice round before we plays for keeps."

     What a startling turn of events, ladies and gentlemen! Djurkwhad and WD-40 will forgo an actual battle with one another and instead decide this round based on whoever wins in a game of Stooge Fighter 3! While this is certainly unprecedented, I can't find anything in the Space Quest Smackdown rulebook that prohibits such a course of action. So, I guess we'll just have to wait and see who wins the game. At the very least, however, this seems to tilt the odds more in Djurkwhad's favor.

     They're gearing up for their practice round now. Djurkwhad has chosen Moe as his character... and, after a bit of deliberation, WD-40 has chosen Lar-Man. And they're going at it! It looks like WD-40 is still getting a handle on the controls, whereas Djurkwhad appears to be quite familiar with the game. In fact, he just pulled off a plier nose-tweak with ease, dazing WD-40's character. Uh-oh... it looks like he's moving in for the kill. And, yes, it's the old custard-pie-to-the-face by Djurkwhad for the win! He moidered her!

     "Huh. Whaddaya know? Looks like I got lucky. Lucky for you, though, it was just a practice round. Are you ready for da real thing, Dollface?"

     "I am prepared."


     Well, folks, the tides have really turned in this match-up. I think there's a good chance that we might be in store for our second straight major upset of the first round. It looks like they're ready to get started with their second match, though, so let's see how this plays out. Djurkwhad has again chosen Moe and WD-40... WD-40 is mashing the game's buttons at an unbelievably rapid speed. What's this?!? I don't believe it, ladies and gentlemen! It appears that WD-40 has used a code of some sort to unlock a secret fourth Stooge--Shemp!

     "What the phu--?!?"

     WD-40 isn't even taking the time to respond, folks. Instead, her character--the heretofore unknown Shemp--is exacting a beating the likes of which I've never seen upon Djurkwhad's Moe. Could it be that WD-40's practice-round loss was just an attempt to lull Djurkwhad into a state of overconfidence?

     WD-40's assault is continuing unabated, and Djurkwhad's power bar is depleting fast! Ladies and gentlemen, she's hitting him with moves that I'm not sure even the designers of Stooge Fighter could pull off! Speaking of which, WD-40's character just hit Djurkwhad's with a wrench to the head, and it looks like he's dazed. My, oh, my--what a turn of events! WD-40's Shemp has just somehow produced a ladder, placed it on his shoulders, and begun spinning in place--delivering the coup de grace and knocking out Djurkwhad's Moe in the process! It looks like we have a winner, folks, and it's WD-40! And, boy, does Djurkwhad look torqued off!

     "Hey--no fair! You cheated! I didn't even know that wacky Shemp character existed!"

     "I merely exploited the Stooge Fighter system to its fullest potential, much as you did by using various hidden moves such as the custard pie maneuver to defeat me in our practice round. My builders at the Gippazoid Novelty Company programmed me in over 9,000 forms of combat--including video game simulations. It appears that I have won our bout and will now advance to the second round."

     "Yeah... I guess yer right, Dollface."

     Djurkwhad has extended his hand in a truly admirable display of sportsmanship. This is what Space Quest Smackdown is all about, folks. Wait--no! Instead, Djurkwhad took a swing at WD-40's head--which she dodged just in the nick of time! It appears we might have a fight on our hands after all! Now, WD-40 is taking swing of her own at Djurkwhad and connects solidly with his jaw! He's staggering back... and now falling forward onto his face! It looks like WD-40 knocked Djurkwhad out with a single punch! Now WD-40 is addressing her fallen foe...

     "In the future, please refrain from calling me 'Dollface.'"

     Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of this first round match--the one, the only... WD-40!

WD-40, 88.52%; Djurkwhad, 11.48%

Match Three: Droole vs. Sharpei

     Can you believe the match-ups that we've already seen today, folks? This show-down between Droole, the Swingin' Subcorporal, and Sharpei, the Maven of Mind-Transference, should be no different! We join our combatants on Delta Burksilon, inside Sharpei's laboratory. Now, a lot of people are going to look at this match-up and give the victory to Droole without a second thought. After all, he's young, strong, fit, and has literally hours of StarCon combat training under his belt. I wouldn't count out Sharpei, though. She may be old, she may be sick, but she always has a contingency plan in that twisted mind of hers. Plus, she has homefield advantage here in her own laboratory. Now, let's check out the action!

     Subcorporal Droole is warming up on one side of the laboratory, looking crisp and ready to go in his strikingly blue StarCon uniform. Meanwhile, Sharpei is reclined in a hover-chair across the room. She appears to be... yes, she is. She's napping! What a blatant show of disrespect to her opponent! Who knows what kind of devious plan she's devised for Droole? It must be a doozy, though. Uh-oh... she's waking up. And she's addressing her opponent...

     "Welcome to Delta Burksilon, Subcorporal Droole. I'm so glad that you could make it. I'm sure that you're thinking to yourself, 'I'm facing Sharpei in the first round. She's an old woman, and I'm young and strong. She doesn't stand a chance.' You're probably already making plans for your second-round opponent. Well, my dear Subcorporal Droole, you should never, ever underestimate the power of a superior intellect. Allow me to introduce a friend of mine..."

     She appears to be pressing a button on her hover-chair. Yes... and a hidden door is opening in the wall behind her. Oh my goodness! That's a Mark VII Killbot! Sharpei has a Mark VII Killbot! I've never seen one in action before! Is this android killing machine part of Sharpei's plan? If so, we could be in for a real fight, folks! For his part, Droole seems suitably concerned about this startling development.

     "Now, while you stand there and quake in your StarCon-issue boots, allow me to explain to you what is about to happen. Using a device of my own brilliant design, I will transfer my brain engrams into the memory banks of the Killbot you see before you. Then, I will use its robotic might to crush-- urk!"

     By the Great Bird of the Galaxy--Subcorporal Droole has fired his blaster on Sharpei, striking his opponent directly in her chest and incapacitating her--all while she was busy explaining her plan! I've never seen anything like this! Now he's going over to check on her... it looks like his blaster was set on stun. He's standing up now and addressing Sharpei's unconscious form...

     "Has anyone ever told you that you talk too much?"

     I guess Droole has given Sharpei the chance to finish up that nap she was taking earlier. But, for now, this match is over!

     Ladies and gentlemen, your winner is Droole!

Droole, 79.43%; Sharpei, 20.57%

Match Four: Stellar Santiago vs. The Labion Terror Beast

     With three matches already down in the first round and five to go, there's no telling what else we'll see before the dust settles, folks! Our next match-up takes us to the lush jungle planet of Labion where we'll witness a showdown between Stellar "The Corpsman" Santiago and that viscious representative of the local fauna, the Labion Terror Beast! Buckle your seatbelts and return your trays to the upright position, folks; this one should be a doozy!

     Ladies and gentlemen, Santiago looks ready to go, but there's currently no sign of the Labion Terror Beast. It says here on my datacard that the Beast can be a bit shy at times, so maybe that's the problem. No matter, though, because if he doesn't show up soon, Santiago will be declared the winner of the match by default. And who knows what kind of advantage a first-round bye might give a competitor in a tournament like this?

     It looks like Santiago is now producing something from her belt. If I'm not mistaken, that's a handy-dandy StarCon-issued datacorder. Perhaps she's going to try running a bioscan to see if her opponent is anywhere in the general vicinity. These StarCon types are a resourceful bunch, folks.

     My goodness! Santiago's datacorder is emitting a high-pitched, ear-splitting squeal! And what's that I hear in the distance? It sounds like someone--or something--is thrashing its way through the jungle. Yes... there's definitely something out there! And here he comes--the Labion Terror Beast! Apparently, Santiago somehow configured her datacorder to emulate a Terror Beast mating call! What did I tell you, folks? These StarCon types are something else!

     It looks like the ferocious Terror Beast has just realized what's going on. He's been tricked, and he doesn't like it! He doesn't like it at all. He's starting to spin like a top, folks, tearing through this jungle clearing!

     And he's just taken out a tree, folks, sending it crashing down toward Santiago! She dodges out of the way just in time, dropping her datacorder in the process. Ladies and gentlemen, Santiago is as tenacious as a bulldog, and she's in this tournament to win! As the Terror Beast continues to wreck the local scenery with his spinning assault, Santiago appears to be producing a blaster from her holster.

     It says here on my datacard that Santiago was tops in her StarCon Academy class for marksmanship, so this could definitely spell trouble for the Terror Beast. The Terror Beast is clearly a powerful force of sheer destruction, but he needs to concentrate more on his opponent and less on the local flora.

     Santiago is now taking aim with her blaster. A gold beam lances through the air... narrowly missing the Terror Beast! Santiago tries again... and misses again! He's simply moving too fast for her to get a bead on him!

     To her credit, though, Santiago isn't ready to give up. She's picked up a sturdy looking branch from the ground and appears ready to take a more direct approach. She's running toward the still-spinning Terror Beast now, raring back... and she wallops the Terror Beast, knocking him back a few meters in the process! That's one way to get his attention!

     The Terror Beast is now back on his feet, getting his bearings. It looks like something has caught his attention, though. Yes... something on the ground. Why, I believe it's Santiago's dropped datacorder. The Terror Beast has discovered it, plopped down on the ground, and begun tinkering around with it. What an odd turn of events!

     Santiago, however, isn't about to look a gift horq in the mouth, however. The Terror Beast has stopped spinning for a few moments, and she's going to try to squeeze off another blaster shot while she has the chance. She's aiming the blaster, determined to make it count this time. Meanwhile, the Terror Beast sits blithely, disassembling the datacorder. Well, he's certainly a curious creature, but that's not what wins Space Quest Smackdown matches.

     Santiago's shot is set up... and she's putting down her blaster!

     "Oh, no... NO! Not the spentium chip!"

     Santiago looks panicked! She's now given up on getting off another blaster shot and is instead running across the clearing toward the Terror Beast!

     "Put that down, you primitive piece of --"

     Merciful Space Monkeys! An explosion has ripped through the clearing, hurling both competitors several meters with its blast! As far as I can guess, the Terror Beast must have somehow set off a self-destruct explosion using the datacorder. It had to be an accident, but it was certainly effective, knocking both combatants for a loop. The question is: will either competitor recover to claim the victory?

     The smoke is clearing now... and it looks like both competitors are down. Wait... no... the Labion Terror Beast is stirring! He's up on his feet, and Santiago is apparently out cold. That makes the Labion Terror Beast your unlikely winner! He doesn't seem to care, though, instead tearing off through the jungle. Hopefully, someone will be able to track him down for the second round.

     In the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, your winner is the Labion Terror Beast!

Labion Terror Beast, 68.9%; Stellar Santiago, 31.1%

Match Five: Beatrice Wankmeister vs. Circuit Sidney

     Welcome to the holocabana of the Deepship 86 for our fifth match of the first round, featuring Ambassador Beatrice "Boom Boom" Wankmeister facing off against the Deepship's very own Circuit Sidney. From where I stand, this should be a good match-up, folks. Circuit Sidney has the distinct advantage of his enhanced intelligence and strength, but Wankmeister is as tough as a two-buckazoid steak! I think we're in for a real treat!

     It looks like we're almost ready to begin... and Ambassador Wankmeister is addressing Sidney.

     "What is the point of this, anyway? This tournament makes no sense!"

     "Please explain, Ambassador Wankmeister."

     "Why should I fight you, Sidney? We're friends! Why should any of the people in this ridiculous tournament fight one another? So they can be crowned Space Quest Smackdown Champion? Please! Worse than that, the tournament makes no sense whatsoever! How was it seeded? Who decided who was in and out of the competition? How can Orat, Sharpei, Arnoid, Quirk, and Vohaul even be in the tournament? They're all dead!"

     "Your points are most... logical, Ambassador Wankmeister. However, we have been asked to do battle, and quite a few members of the Deepship crew have come to observe. It would be a shame to disappoint them."

     "Oh, whatever. Let's get started."

     "Excellent. Computer, run program Sidney Delta Four."

     And the holocabana has sprung to life, transforming into a picturesque forest setting, complete with a stream running through the clearing. Ambassador Wankmeister and Circuit Sidney's clothing has also changed as a result of the holocabana program. Wankmeister is now clad in a strange looking dress, and Sidney is wearing a green suit... and I believe tights. The ambassador doesn't look particularly pleased with her change in wardrobe.

     "What is this supposed to be?"

     "It is a dress, Ambassador Wankmeister, patterned in the style of fourteenth-century Earth. This is one of my favorite holodeck programs--Conquests of the Longbow. It is a recreation of Earth's Robin Hood legends. I am portraying Robin Hood in this simulation; you are Maid Marian."

     "That makes even less sense! Why would Robin Hood and Maid Marian fight each other? They're supposed to be in love!"

     "I merely thought this setting would provide a certain... what is the term? Flavor for our battle. I can disable the program if you wish."

     "No, no. Let's just get this over with."

     Now, both combatants have picked up the quarterstaves provided by the program and are moving to a log bridge over the stream. It looks like the quarterstaff is going to be the weapon of choice for this bout. Wankmeister and Sidney are now sizing each other up and getting a feel for their weapons.

     Sidney strikes with his staff, nearly landing the first blow! It was a jab toward Wankmeister's mid-section, but she managed to leap back just in time to dodge out of the way! She's a bit off-balance... and she's recovered her footing. Now, Wankmeister is taking a swing for Sidney's knees, attempting to sweep him off his feet, so to speak. Sidney leaps... and Wankmeister's shot connects with nothing but air! What a show of athleticism by both combatants.

     Wankmeister is following up with a swing for Sidney's head! He parries! It looks like Sidney is just too quick for Wankmeister! Now, Sidney counterattacks with another shot to Wankmeister's mid-section. This time he connects! Wankmeister stumbles back, the wind clearly knocked out of her. It looks like the bout may be over fast!

     "Are you hurt, Ambassador Wankmeister?"

     "Only my pride."

     Now, Wankmeister is charging at Sidney, again trying for the head! It didn't work last time... and it doesn't work this time! Sidney manages to parry her staff shot once again. But, wait! Wankmeister has hit a high, hard kick to Sidney's head while he was busy concentrating on her staff! And... and...

     Why, I'll be a Phleebhutian sand crab! Wankmeister has knocked his block off--literally! Sidney's head has gone flying through the air, landing in the steam below! If I'm not mistaken, that should be enough for a win for the Ambassador!

     "I am impressed, Ambassador. Your mastery of the quarterstaff--and martial arts--was quite unexpected."

     "Didn't I tell you? When I was a kid, my parents used to read Robin Hood stories to me all the time. Sorry, Sidney!"

     "Think nothing of it, Ambassador Wankmeister. When you get the opportunity, though, would you mind helping me reattach my head?"

     Ladies and gentlemen, your winner is... Ambassador Beatrice Wankmeister! She'll advance to the second round to face the winner of the upcoming Astro Chicken/Zondra match-up.

Beatrice Wankmeister, 71.29%; Circuit Sidney, 28.71%

Match Six: Zondra vs. Astro Chicken

     Unless my chronometer is running slow, it looks like we're almost ready for our next match-up folks. Welcome to the scenic planetoid of Phleebhut for yet another first-round battle--this time between the leggy leader of the Latex Babes, Zondra, and her opponent, the Pugilistic Pullet, Astro Chicken! Zondra--clad in a striking blue swimsuit despite the general absence of any major bodies of water here on Phleebhut--looks ready to go and is stretching a bit before the match begins.

     And, here comes Astro Chicken with his manager/handler, Fester Blatz. Which reminds me--this match is being brought to you by the fine folks at Fester's World O'Wonders, the one-stop shop for all your collectible souvenir needs. Stop by today and pick up a few limited edition Space Quest Smackdown t-shirts for you and your family. It looks like Fester is about to make an announcement. Let's listen in...

     "Welcome, one and all, to this first-round Space Quest Smackdown match-up between Zondra of the Latex Babes and my business associate, Astro Chicken. Now, don't you folks forget to stop by the merchandise stand before you leave today."

     "Wait a second, wait a second. I'm fighting a chicken?"

     Zondra looks a bit incredulous.

     "Not just a chicken, miss--an Astro Chicken! Is that a problem?"

     "I suppose not."

     "Good. Now, let's get this thing started!"

     I guess that means we're ready to begin! Zondra is brandishing her trademark harpoon gun, and Astro Chicken is... well, Astro Chicken is walking around in a circle, scratching at the sand. Now he's turned to face Zondra and appears ready to fight! Wait--no, he's turned back around, flapping his wings a bit and scratching at the sand a bit more. Folks, this match is moving slowed than a three-humped Keronian camel!

     Zondra appears to be fed up with her opponent's stalling. She's taking aim with her harpoon gun... this isn't going to be pretty. And... she fires and narrowly misses Astro Chicken! The harpoon appears to have spooked him, though, and he's taking flight! Although Zondra has size (and apparently intelligence) on her side, perhaps Astro Chicken can use airpower to his advantage and even the odds a bit.

     Astro Chicken is continuing his ascent. If he has a plan in mind, I'm not sure exactly what it might be. He's still flying up... up... up... and he's out of sight!

     My, oh, my! It looks like Astro Chicken has flown the coop, ladies and gentlemen! If I remember the official Space Quest Smackdown rulebook correctly, that results in a victory for Zondra by way of disqualification. This is certainly an anti-climactic ending to an admittedly unorthodox match-up. But, every match in Space Quest Smackdown can't be a winner, folks. Occasionally, you come across one that's just bowling-shoe ugly.

     But, wait--what's that up in the sky? It's a bird... it's a plane... no--I was right the first time. It's a bird! Astro Chicken appears to making a rapid descent! Maybe this match isn't over quite yet!

     Yes, Astro Chicken is on his way back down and I believe... yes, he is! He's heading straight for Zondra. She's realized it too, now, and she's trying to run. I don't think she's going to be able to make it, though. Astro Chicken has plotted a collision course, and he means business!

     Yes! He makes a tremendous impact with Zondra from above, knocking her to the ground! As a result of the impact, everything's been obscured in a cloud of feathers and silicon. Silicon as in sand, not silicone. Get your minds out of the gutter! Now, the dust is starting to settle and we'll get an idea of what kind of effect Astro Chicken's assault had on his opponent.


     Oh, my goodness! Astro Chicken has knocked Zondra out cold with his air assault! This match is over, folks! Fester Blatz is coming out to collect Astro Chicken--who appears to be celebrating his victory by walking around in a circle and scratching at the sand again. And, it looks like Fester is about to address the audience again.

     "Thank you for coming out today, ladies and gentlemen. Astro Chicken will be signing autographs shortly at World O'Wonders, so be sure to drop by. Please excuse his penmanship, though; it's pretty much chicken-scratch."

     And with that horrible pun, this match is over! Your winner, ladies and gentlemen... Astro Chicken!

Astro Chicken, 62.2%; Zondra, 37.8%

Match Seven: Roger Wilco, Jr. vs. Captain Quirk

     Welcome to Klorox II, ladies and gentlemen! It's time for our seventh first-round battle, featuring the Time Ripper, Roger Wilco Jr., and corrupt StarCon Captain Raemes T. Quirk. From a physical standpoint, this should be a good match-up. Both combatants are well-trained in hand-to-hand combat. What Wilco brings to the table in terms of youth and speed, Quirk more than makes up for in strength (and sheer madness). As far as I'm concerned, we should be in for quite a fight!

     Both combatants are now preparing for the battle. Roger Wilco Jr. appears to be checking the calibrations on what I'm told is his "time gun," and Quirk... well, Quirk is straightening what appears to be a hairpiece. It looks like they're ready to start now.

     "I've been looking forward to this fight, Quirk. Mom and Dad have told me a lot about you."

     "Hopefully, it was all good. Speaking of which, it's been ages since I've seen your mother. She and I didn't exactly part company under the best circumstances. How is she doing these days?"

     "She's fine, Quirk. I'll be sure to tell her that you asked."

     Now, Wilco is charging at Quirk, tackling him to the ground. The two combatants are rolling around, landing punches where they can. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for Quirk to bring up Wilco's mother!

     Wilco and Quirk are disengaging from one another now and getting to their feet. Both look like they've already been roughed up a bit. Quirk appears to have some serious swelling around his eye, and Wilco is bleeding from his nose. Uh-oh... Quirk has pulled out a blaster! Wilco, for his part, still hasn't made use of the time gun that remains in his holster.

     Quirk takes aim with the blaster... and narrowly misses Wilco, hitting a rock outcropping behind him! From the look of the impact, I've got to think that Quirk had his blaster on its highest setting! Unfortunately for Quirk, his blaster is going to have to recharge for a few seconds after that kind of output. Wilco, however, isn't going to let this opportunity pass. He's charging at Quirk again and has knocked the blaster out of his grasp! Now, Wilco gives Quirk a high-knee to the mid-section, doubling over Quirk... and he follows up with a "double-fisted kaboom" to Quirk's head, knocking him to the ground.

     "Give up, Quirk?"

     "Not quite yet..."

     Quirk is back on his feet... and he's tapping some kind of device attached to his belt. Oh, my goodness! He's activated a transporter signal... and some kind of canister has appeared by his side! Wilco looks nonplussed and is ready to continue his attack.

     "Not so fast, junior. I don't think you want to come any closer. You see this canister? It's a little something I cooked up with Primordial Soup called a mutagenic bomb. All I have to do is activate it and it will turn you and this entire crowd of idiots who showed up to watch us do battle into mindless pukoids. So, why don't you surrender, and I'll make sure that nobody gets hurt."

     By the ghosts of Krypton! What a devious plan! Quirk really has Wilco backed into a corner. The question is, however, can Wilco trust Quirk to keep his word?

     "Mom and Dad were right, Quirk. You are crazy. But, I don't want anyone to get hurt..."

     "That's what I wanted to hear, boy. Now, just put down that time gun of yours and let's end this nonsense."

     "You mean this time gun?"

     That's a quick-draw if I've ever seen one, folks! Wilco has fired his time gun at the ground near Quirk! It doesn't seem to have had any effect, though... wait, no! A glowing portal of some sort is opening at Quirk's feet and growing larger by the second!

     "What?!? Noooooo..."

     And Quirk has fallen through the glowing rift, taking his mutagenic bomb with him! How would've thunk it? Roger Wilco, Jr. has opened a time portal of some sort and send Quirk packing!

     "I hope you enjoy your stay in Space Quest 16: The Wrath of Pug, Quirk. Be sure to send a postcard if you get the chance. I'm sure Mom and Dad would love to hear from you again."

     Ladies and gentlemen, Roger Wilco, Jr. is your winner!

Roger Wilco. Jr., 61.24%; Captain Quirk, 38.76%

Match Eight: Arnoid vs. Sludge Vohaul

     Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the final match-up of the first round. This battle pits megalomaniacal genius Sludge Vohaul against Arnoid, the killer Gippazoid android. Arnoid's counterpart, WD-40 already picked up a victory earlier in the round. Will we see a repeat performance from Arnoid?

     This battle is set to take place on the streets of post-apocalyptic streets of Xenon, Vohaul's primary stomping ground. Arnoid is already here, but there's no sign of Vohaul. Wait... scratch that. A holographic head has just appeared, floating in the air in front of Arnoid. If I'm not mistaken, that's Vohaul himself! It looks like he's addressing his opponent...

     "Welcome to Space Quest 12, my metal friend. As you are about to discover, this time period is my domain. I am virtually unstoppable here. My might is beyond compare! If only your simplistic circuitry were capable of fear, I am certain you would be quaking in your metallic boots at this moment."

     "Target composition: photonic. Cannot acquire target lock."

     "That is absolutely correct, you robotic rube. Your computerized cranium cannot acquire a target lock on my holographic projection. I do have something to keep you busy, however. Sequel Police... attack."

     By the rings of Saturn! Approximately a dozen... well, I'm not sure. Stormtroopers? Yes, a dozen or so stormtroopers in menacing black uniforms and wielding blast rifles have materialized, just as Vohaul's holographic image disappeared. These must be the Sequel Police that Vohaul mentioned! Arnoid is more than outnumbered now. Unless he can pull off a miracle, Arnoid doesn't stand a snowball's chance on Ortega of advancing to the second round.

     "Targets: acquired. Identification: cyborg entities. Verdict: terminate."

     Well, it certainly doesn't sound like Arnoid is letting the odds get him down! The Sequel Police are closing in, and Arnoid is stepping up to the challenge. He takes a swing at one of the Sequel Police, knocking it down with a single punch! Arnoid is quite a fighting machine, but I just don't know if he can keep this up long enough to defeat a dozen Sequel Police.

     Now one of the Sequel Police is taking aim at Arnoid with his blaster rifle... and he hits Arnoid in the chest with with a powerful shot! Arnoid is stumbling back, and he looks hurt! Now, Arnoid is adjusting something on his belt and... goodness gracious! Arnoid has disappeared! He must have activated his cloaking device. Unless the Sequel Police have some pretty impressive sensors, this should definitely work to Arnoid's advantage!

     I'm not sure how to call the match at this point, considering that I can't one of the combatants, but I will say that one of the streetlights here on the streets of post-apocalyptic Xenon just uprooted itself. I've got to assume that's Arnoid's doing! It's swinging around... and connects with... it looks like four of the Sequel Police, knocking them out of action! That's five down by my count and seven to go! Arnoid is definitely giving this mismatch his best shot! I just can't help but wonder what happened to Vohaul.

     Meanwhile, the remaining Sequel Police are regrouping and trying to get a bead on their cloaked opponent's location. Arnoid has discarded the streetlight, so they can't use that to track him. Uh-oh... I think I know where he is! An abandoned skimmer has lifted up into the air... under Arnoid's power, I'm sure!

     Now, the skimmer is flying through the air... and crashing down on the remaining Sequel Police! They're down and out, and it looks like Arnoid has beaten the odds! And now he's deactivated his cloaking device. If I didn't know better, I'd say that there's a smile on his robotic face.

     And... he's back! Vohaul's hologram has just reappeared and is addressing Arnoid.

     "Well-played, Arnoid. Well-played indeed. I did not expect you to defeat my Sequel Police, but your performance was quite impressive. Unfortunately for you, I--as always--had a contingency plan. Arnoid, please run an internal diagnostic on your neural net capacitor. Who is its manufacturer."

     "Processing. Neural net capacitor: manufactured by Vohaul Enterprises, Incorporated."

     "That is correct, Arnoid. You should know better than to face off against one who has mastered the chronostream. Making use of my mastery of time, when Gippazoid was subcontracting the work for you neural net capacitor, I managed to secure the contract. Then, I was sure to include an undetectable design flaw in the capacitor. This design flaw--brilliant in its conception--is set to cause a neural net cascade overflow. Just about... now!"

     "Internal diagnostics indicate no sign of--urk!"

     And Arnoid has collapsed to the ground! What a brilliant--albeit evil--stratagem Vohaul has pulled off here.

     "I'll... be... back."

     "Of course you will, my metallic friend. Just not today."

     And with that, Vohaul's hologram disappears again! No matter, though, because we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen--Sludge Vohaul!

Sludge Vohaul, 55.5%; Arnoid, 44.5%

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