Cult Leadership for Dummies
Posted on November 30, 2003 @ 12:06 am
Author’s note: This piece was originally intended as an article for Verbosity before the webzine folded in 1997.
In 1978, more than 900 cultists in Jonestown perished after drinking cyanide-laced punch upon the order of their charismatic leader, Jim Jones. In 1993, a tense stand-off at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, ended in tragedy with 80 cult members dead in the wake of a fire of still-debated origins. Four years later, 39 Heaven’s Gate cultists committed suicide under the leadership of Marshall Applewhite to shed their earthly “containers” and join a spaceship traveling behind the Hale-Bopp comet.
Certainly, these tragic incidents received quite a bit of attention from the media. Not all cults, however, are quite so lucky. Each year, thousands of cults pop up around the world and go virtually unnoticed by society at large. Sure, you’ve looked around; unfortunately, none of the cults in your immediate area seem quite right for you. Have all of your options proven either a bit too freaky, or a tad overly-militaristic, or perhaps a little too polytheistic? What is a sensible person seeking alternative spiritual enlightenment to do? Why, start your own cult, of course!
Of course, that sounds like a daunting task. Fear not, loyal readers; Verbosity Magazine is here to help. With these simple steps, you can have your own cult up, running, and noticed in a matter of weeks. So, without further ado…
Creating Your Own Cult in Six Easy Steps
Step One: Come up with some wacky religious belief around which to base your budding religion. People aren’t going to follow you if you don’t stand out from the crowd — particularly if you’re placed in the position to eventually ask them to kill themselves (which occurs surprisingly frequently in the average cult). For instance, perhaps your cult could believe that Three’s Company is actually the holy word of the mighty Rit-tar, sent to encourage men to live with multiple female roommates.
Step Two: You’ll need a catchy name, both for yourself and the cult. A good pseudonym will command the respect of your followers, as well as reveal your peaceful and benevolent nature to the world. Try something like “Sunbeam,” “Dewdrop,” or “Bill G.” As for the cult’s name, it really should be something that sounds vaguely theistic. For example, the “Church of the Day After” sounds like it might have some sort of religious significance.
Step Three: Recruit followers. Lots of them. It’s just more lungs amongst which to disperse the FBI’s tear gas when it eventually comes.
Step Four: Now, you’ll want to find a compound. A nice ranch in a secluded area of the Midwest works well. You’ll want to be close enough to town that you can stumble in and scare the locals from time to time, but far enough away that they can’t see your strange and mystic rituals. (You did develop some strange and mystic rituals along with Step 1, didn’t you?).
Step Five: You’ll need some form of income for your cult; ranch houses don’t just grow on trees. The hip, post-industrial thing to do in order to pay for cultic activity seems to be web design. If you feel like that’s what your god and/or gods want, go for it. Other means of raising funds include selling children, performing sketch comedy in local senior citizen communities, and theft.
Step Six: At this point, you’ll want to begin stockpiling weapons — just to be on the safe side. Sure, you’re a peaceful, benevolent occult figurehead, but some people just don’t understand the First Amendment.
That should take care of it! In six simple steps, you now have your very own cult and, if you followed the directions, a dedicated body of followers. Speaking of which, anyone that would like to send online donations to the Church of Verbosity should send their credit card information to our editorial staff at the earliest possible convenience. Thanks for your support. May Bleepo smile upon you in all your endeavors.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Random Musings |
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