Roger Wilco in Revenge of the Mebans
by Dan Cerulo
Time Note: This story takes place after Space Quest VI: The Spinal Frontier while Roger is stationed aboard the SCS Deep Ship 86 as Janitor Second Class. Stellar had already been dropped off at a space station for relocation.
The ComPostís intraship transport sucked Roger up from the decks of 8-Rear. His pants flew off leaving him in his boxers, his shirt was sucked right off his chest, and he went flying up into the tube above him. Although it sounds weird, this was the usual movement through the ship. Wilco had been down in 8-Rear since midnight last night, cleaning up from the big New Yearís Bash. At the time he had been invited, he thought it would have been bad to go. Which is strange for Roger since he hardly ever gets invited to any social event. But he figured heíd probably get drunk and do something he normally wouldnít. Now as it turned out, all the other janitors got sick or had hangovers. That meant he was the only janitor to have to clean up. It was now nine the next night. Now all Rog wanted to do was go back to his quarters in the cargo bay and sleep. But fate had other plans for him. If it didnít though, this would be a pretty dull story about Roger going to his quarters and sleeping. And who would really want me to sit around and describe his loud, loud snoring. Anyway, as the suction device dropped him in his quarters and put his clothes back on him, Roger noticed a blinking on his ComPost. It flashed the message,
One Message WaitingÖ
He softly tapped the "Y" button to start the message. Kielbasaís angry lionís face appeared on the screen. His red shirt showed brightly against the dark bridge background.
"Wilco, when youíre done in 8-Rear come up to the bridge. Dorff got sick on his console. We need you to clean it up before we get under way. Kielbasa out." Then the screen flashed,
Thank you for using ATNT
Roger sighed. He wished he hadnít seen that message, he so wanted to get some sleep. But duty called. There was work to be done, floors to be mopped, consoles to be cleaned. So he walked over to the ComPost and hit the Intraship Transport button. The usual list appeared and Roger hit one for the bridge. He hit one again to confirm transport and left. When Roger arrived on the bridge he saw Kielbasa in his command center/lion chair. It looked like he was playing Home Battle Cruiser on his Super Entertainment Game Authority System, or S.E.G.A. System for short. Roger decided not to bother him, so he went directly to the broom closet and pulled out a sponge and some of the stuff that gets rid of the bad smell. He stepped to the console and wiped it off, then dropped some smell remover on it. Suddenly Roger heard Kielbasaís voice, "Wilco, weíve been ordered to the planet Commodore LXIV to help clean up and refurnish an admiralsí s retirement home after a little incident that happened a few years ago." Roger blushed. "Anyways."
"Excuse me sir, but it is anyway. Not anyways."
Kielbasa nodded and said, "All right. Anyway, StarCon has requested you take over for all the other janitors there. They said something about you being the cause of destruction. I donít know?" he shrugged. "Who knows what theyíre talking about."
"Yeah, go figure," Roger said, although he knew very well what StarCon meant. Wilco started to leave when Kielbasa spoke up.
He seemed to say it quietly so the other bridge crew didnít hear him. "I usually donít make it a habit to spend my off hour with anyone lower than the rank of Lieutenant, but how about a game of Virtual Battle Cruiser?" Wow, someone actually wants to spend free time with Roger. This is one of those Kodak moments.
"Why not. It sounds like a lot of fun," Wilco replied. They both walked over to the ComPost.
Kielbasa gave one final order before leaving the bridge. "Ensign Joe, lay in a course for Commodore LXIV. Coordinates 01015. Lite speed."
The ship sped off for the Commodore system. Suddenly, at the Deep Shipís previous spot decloaked a ship. One of a bounty hunters design, although much to advanced for the Space Quest 6 era. The ship had a tinted black window that was obviously the view screen for the pilot. Inside the ship Grad Nulec sat at the controls. He turned from a console and picked up a piece of paper that lay on the floor. The paper had a black and white photo of Roger, and below it, written in a form of Mebanese were the words:
50,000,000,000 Bz reward for the capture
of the Xenonian Roger Wilco - alive
At the HolocabanaÖ
The suction device dropped Roger and Commander Kielbasa on the cold floors of the Holocabana. Kielbasa walked over to a console and type in the numbers for program 59845. "Which ships should be used for the game?" the computerís gentle, female voice said.
"The Commander will use the Deep Ship, and Iíll control the Goliath," Roger called aloud to Kielbasaís approval. Double the gear needed for a game of Virtual Battle Cruiser appeared, one set for each man. Roger stepped over to the chair that would soon be a captainís chair. He put on the virtual helmet that transported him to the bridge of a starship. Now Rogerís uniform looked red through the eyes of his helmet.
"All right. Begin game." Crew members appeared on both the players bridge.
The game started out smooth for Roger. His ensign gave him the crew roster and the mission parameters. Suddenly the Deep Ship appeared right off the Goliathís port. "Shields up! Red alert!" Roger yelled.
"Yes sir!" the Virtual Droole shouted. It was nice to see him again. "Theyíre firing captain!" The computer simulated the rocking motion of a starship getting hit by phasers.
Roger tried to stay calm, he hit his communications button that connected him to engineering. "Cliffy, get us cloaked!" Roger yelled.
In Kielbasaís helmetÖ
"I donít know where they went sir? They just disappeared," Virtual Dorff said.
Kielbasa stroked his mane. "Dorff, search for warp coil signatures and e-band particle emissions. Weíll find that Wilco and blow him out of the sky!"
In Wilcoís helmetÖ
"Cliffy, is there any chance you could boost of power output?"
Cliffy frowned at Roger through the visual comm link. "She canít take any more power Captín. I just love saying that. But yes, there is a small chance. But if I miss calculate, weíll all be StarCon barbecue."
Roger pretended he was pondering the fact that they could all die, but in reality they couldnít because this was just a game. "Make it so. Iíve always wanted to say that too."
Droole spoke up. "Sir, the Deep Ship is scanning for warp coil signatures and e-band particle emissions. They might be able to find us."
"Not if I can help it," Roger said rising to his feet. "Droole, cut our engines and Flo, tell the crew to stop using the replicator, holodecks, and anything else that produces e-bands."
"Aye, aye sir," Flo and Droole said simultaneous.
Back in Kielbasaís helmetÖ
"Sir, I couldnít locate either of those things. But the Goliath might be on silent running and have stopped using anything that creates e-band emissions."
Kielbasa was furious. Where had a StarCon vessel obtained a cloaking device. "Go to Red-Alert. Raise shields and stand by all weapons."
Once again in Rogerís helmetÖ
"Iíve got the power booster you wanted. But I donít how long weíll have it before our power containment field rips itself apart blowing us to pieces."
Those were the words Roger wanted to hear. "Mr. Droole, fire two proton torpedoes, then change our heading so the Deep Ship canít lock onto our position. Continue firing two shots then changing course until I get a signal from Cliffy that weíre at critical." Droole nodded.
"Iím decloaking now."
"No, no. Fire while cloaked."
"Thatís impossible, sir," Droole protested.
"With the extra power it should be possible."
Droole muttered something under his breathe, then said, "If you say so. Captain."
Back to Kielbasaís helmetÖ
The computer simulated the shaking of proton torpedoes hitting the ship. "What the hell!" Kielbasa yelled, "Where did those shots come from?"
"I canít tell sir. The ship is still cloaked!" The weapons officer yelled back.
"Lock onto where those shots came from and fire!" But it was to late, the Goliath had changed course and was firing again. The shipís console started to overload and explode. Two of the bridge crew died before they could move from their stations. "Crap!" Kielbasa yelled as his weapons officer fell to the floor dead. Kielbasa stood from his chair, which was considerably less comfortable than his lionís chair. He ran to the weapons station but it was to late. Another shot hit the ship, then Kielbasaís helmet went blank. The game was over. Both the players took off their helmets. "Good game, Wilco. But whereíd you get the cloaking device?"
Roger smiled, "Letís just say it was a gift from the Gippazoid Novelty Company." Roger walked to the ComPost and saw that it was flashing with a message. Why would anyone send a message down here. "Commander, take a look at this." He said pushing the Y button to play. Dorffís face appeared on the screen.
"Commander, please report to the bridge. Wilco has already been notified since he will be needed."
Kielbasa turned towards Roger, "Well come on."
On the bridgeÖ
The view screen showed Grad Nulec, the bounty hunter from Uttaís palace. The intraship transporter dropped Roger and Kielbasa on the bridge. Dorff walked towards them. "Sir, this man says he is a distant relative of Wilco and that he wanted to see him."
Roger looked at the view screen and to his horror saw Nulec, "Grad Nulec. What the hell are you doing here?" Suddenly a transporter beam encircled Roger, dematerializing him.
"Get him back! Get him back!" Kielbasa yelled, but it was to late.
Aboard Nulecís shipÖ
"What do you want Nulec? Uttaís in jail. He wonít be out for years!" Roger said.
Nulec nodded. "Yes, he is in jail. And yes, it will be a long time before he gets out. But I have all the time we need."
"I donít get it, why did you tell them you were my relative. And two, what do you mean you have all the time we need."
"I told them I was your relative because," Nulec began to explain, "they would drop their shields and bring you to the bridge. That way, one - their shields were down, and two - if you were on the bridge I wouldnít have to scan the whole ship. Which would probably have made them put their shields up again. And what do I mean by saying ĎI have all the time we needí? Watch." Grad Nulec touched a couple buttons that would normally activate the warp drive, but instead Nulecís ship just phased out of this time.
On the bridge of the Deep ShipÖ
"What happened?" Kielbasa yelled. "Did they go into cloak?"
"Negative," the weapons officer said, "Iím not picking up the particle emissions of a cloaked ship." Come on, Kielbasa had just been through this in the game of Battle Cruiser.
"Well, keep searching. Weíve got to find that ship."
In Space Quest XV:
The ship phased back in during the time period of Space Quest XV. Grad Nulecís ship change course and headed for Spittoonie. Roger decided to ask if there was a place to sleep. "Hey Nulec. Is there a place I could get some sleep?"
"Yes, there is. Just go back one room and thereís a bed all ready for you." Roger just blew some air, then sighed. He walked to the back of the room and towards the door. It slid open and he stepped into the back room. Roger looked around and just saw a whole bunch of junk. There wasnít any bed. He was about to yell out to Nulec when he saw it, a metal slab. All those damn Sariens were the same. But Wilco had to make the best of it, so he laid down anyways.
Roger looked up from his bed and yelled out, "Itís anyway! Not anyways! God, canít anyone get it right?"
"Whatís going on in there?" Nulec yelled out.
"Nothing, I just canít stand the author of this story."
"Yeah, heís a real idiot ainít he," Nulec said laughing. Roger tried to get some sleep and before he new it he was being poked with the end of at least six laser rifles. He turned and saw six Sariens standing next to his metal slab.
"Slowly get up and leave this ship through the back exit. You wonít be killed if you comply." Roger decided his horrid life was probably worth more if he lived rather than dying, so he got up and walked to the back of the ship. There was a door there, but it didnít just slide open. That would be to dangerous if you were flying through space and all of a sudden you walk past it. No, it wasnít a sliding door, Nulec had to enter a series of passwords and codes before it finally opened. Once they were all outside, he saw that this planet was a giant sand dune. And from the name Spittoonie Roger thought it might have water. Spittoonie. Get it? Huh? Oh you all suck. "Into the palace, Lord Utta awaits your presence." Utta? Crap that was bad. This guy was mean and evil. Things couldnít be good for him now. He looked back on one of his adventures, The Sariens Strike Back and remembered what had happened. Just after trapping Utta the captain from the Lollipop walked over and put a transporter signaler on Utta.
"Good job Roger," he said, "Weíve been tracking Utta for years. Heíll be put away for at least a good three-hundred fifty years. Heck, maybe even four." The captain smiled.
Before Utta was transported out he said, "Look Wilco. Iíll be seeing you when I get out."
Roger became smug and said, "Iíll be dead by then Utta. Looks like I win." Uttaís body dematerialized out of the detention cell and onto the SCS Good Ship Lollipop.
Roger had been a fool to gloat over his victory. Now he would face an even angrier Utta. The guards pushed him in through the front gates of Uttaís palace and into the court. Uttaís palace smelled old and musty, much like the thousand year old Meban did at their last encounter. Uttaís court was opened at the top, letting light shine in. The band played a song that sounded like it was out of an old sci-fi flick. A blue elephant like creature played a keyboard. Rogerís captor, the notorious bounty hunter, Grad Nulec, had known Uttaís price for Wilco was high. Roger had killed the fat Mebanís son when he had been captured at the Admiralís Retirement Community a few years back. Although here that was probably three decades ago. Utta had been defeated by Rog and sent to prison for four-hundred years. Uttaís bounty hunter Grad Nulec had been sent through time and had taken him to Space Quest XV Roger guessed. Utta had grown much more obese since they last met. "Utta! You fat tub of lard. What do you want this time?" Roger yelled out.
Uttaís head spun around from the dancer he had been watching. "Each^Nulec. De mor ut ma say Wilco." Wilco heard Utta say in what he guessed was his courts official language. It sounded like some form of Mebanese, although Roger couldnít tell.
"Utta. What language is that you speak?"
"Uttanese! Wilco I will destroy you for the four-hundred years of torture you put me through."
Wilco knew he shouldnít have gloated over Uttaís capture so long ago. Roger spoke quickly because he figured his life wasnít going to be much longer. "Utta, please. I swear, Iím sorry. Just let me go and I wonít report you to present day StarCon."
Utta laughed hysterically. "Ne u ste mils di uch StarCon?" he said in Uttanese. Roger decided the closest Mebanese translation was ĎWhat present StarConí, but with all the extra words, there was probably also some swearing in that sentence.
"Ne ble stuh enu Utta?" Roger said in Mebanese. He thought that it would probably pass in this court. Boy was he wrong.
This time Utta spoke in English, "It is a royal offense to speak Mebanese. And in any case, if you were trying to say ĎWhat do you mean Uttaí it would be ĎNe ble stu henu Uttaí."
Not trying to press his luck with the Mebanese thing, he spoke in English. "Why is it an offense. You, yourself are a Meban."
"There is no Meban empire anymore. It was destroyed by the StarCon of the Space Quest XIII era over a battle for me. StarCon was thinking about keeping me jailed for a few more centuries, so the Meban government rebelled. It is a matter of respect for them. Now, if you donít mind my guards will take you to a jail cell for holding. You will be terminated as soon as this feast has ended," Utta said laughing again. The guards approached Roger and grabbed him. Utta turned back to the dancers he had been watching and all the other guests went back to listening to music and eating the food gathered for this great banquet. Grad Nulec seemed to nod at him, then he took a piece of Darkbull meat off the banquet table. The guards pushed Roger through a maze of hallways and forced him down at least stairwells until they reached his cell. The two guards began whispering to each other. Wilco took this time to look around. This hallway was the same as most of the last. Covered with doors to holding cells. Most seemed full of creatures from races Roger had never seen. The great Utta must have many enemies with all these prisoners. Suddenly one of the guards spoke loud enough for him to here, so he listened in.
"Master said put him in with Greleck."
"Is that wise. You know what he did with the last eight cell mates," the other said.
"Uttaís word goes around here. But you might be right, Utta wants the pleasure to be all his."
"Send him in anyways. We can blame it on the Durchenien guy if he dies."
"Roger spoke up, itís anyway, not anyways."
"Shut up and get in there!" the guard yelled. They opened the door and shoved Roger in. Wilco couldnít see anyone, but then again it was so dark this Greleck guy could be right in front of him. The cell door slammed closed behind him. Roger was worried. He heard what they said, about the guess saying ĎYou know what he did with the last eight cell matesí. That couldnít be good.
"Hello!" he yelled out. He heard a low grumble. Then out of the darkness he could make out a blob coming towards him. Roger stepped back, but he couldnít go any farther. The blob came out of the darkness and took the form of a humanoid being.
It grabbed Roger. "Listen to me," Greleck said, "I can help you escape."
"Yeah. You can eat me right?" Wilco said sarcastically.
"What do you mean?"
Roger looked at Greleck like he wasnít stupid. "I heard what the guards said. By the way, what did you do to your last eight cell mates?"
"What? Oh that. Iíve helped all of them escape. Here, take this." Greleck said stepping back into the shadow. Roger heard the sounds of metal hitting metal and tools falling. Greleck emerged from the shadow holstering a large gun of some sort.
Roger stuck his hands straight up into the air, "Please, donít shoot."
"No, no. Iím not going to kill you. This is a time rip gun like your son had. I can send you back to Deep Ship 86."
Roger sighed knowing his death wasnít eminent. "Thank you Greleck. I donít know how I can repay you. But what about you? Donít you want to escape too?"
Greleck frowned, "Of course I do. But I have to stay here and help more escape. Now go." He pulled the trigger of the gun that opened a rip in time.
"Hey! Whatís going on in there?" a guard yelled from down the hall. Roger heard him running down towards their cell.
Greleck look worried. "Here, I canít let them find this." He said handing Wilco the gun. Greleck then shoved him in, the time rip closing behind. Light flooded into the cell as the door was opened. A guard stepped in, holding his gun close to him.
"Where is the humanoid, Roger Wilco?" the guard asked. Greleck forced his face to show a grin and lied, "I ate him, like I did the eight others." The guard looked worried. Utta wanted the pleasure to be all his. Now what would he do? He had an idea. The guard stepped back out of the cell and walked down the hallway a little. On the wall was a green button labeled COMM. The guard pushed the button in and spoke. "He is dead, Wilco is digesting in Greleckís stomach," the guard said in Uttanese.
A guard up in the court replied. "What! Have Greleck brought to me immediately!" The conversation continued for about five minutes, both of them still speaking in Uttanese, then the guard on the detention level pushed the button again, which made it pop back out of speaker mode. The guard walked back to the cell and to his horror and shock, found that he left the door open and Greleck had escaped. Two guards ran down towards the open cell.
"Where is he?" one yelled.
The one that had first found Greleck gone replied, "I donít know? I accidentally left the door open, and now heís not there."
"All right, start a search from this point. He couldnít have gotten far. DC102483, search Greleckís cell. See if you can find any of Wilcoís body." Each guard did as they were told. Two started to search, one looked in Greleckís cell. The guard that stepped in Greleckís cell had been one of the two who put Roger in there and had helped put him in a cell in The Sarienís Strike Back. Last time he put Roger in, there hadnít been any water in the cell. Now there was, a giant puddle. The guard turned on his flashlight and found that in the back of the cell was a mess of tools and metal. But none of Wilcoís body.
Back up at the courtÖ
The guard who had received the news of Wilcoís death approached Utta. "My Lord, the evil and terrible Greleck has eaten your prize, the humanoid Wilco." Uttaís blood-pressure rose high.
"Bring me Greleck, I want him killed."
"Yes, my Lord." He said bowing.
Another guard came running down from the path to the detention level with news. "Greleck has escaped!" he said. Utta made a very deep, loud yell scaring everyone at the banquet.
In Space Quest XII:
Vohaulís Revenge IIÖ
The time rip dropped Roger down right next to a giant gold vessel. He recognized it as the one from Space Quest XII. But he couldnít be there, the rip was supposed to take him to the Space Quest VI era. Roger then had a thought, "Greleck said he had to help others escape. But now that I have the gun, he canít help others. I have to get it back to him. But what about Utta? Once he finds out Iím gone, heíll come after me with his goons. I have to stop him, but Iím going to need a few things. Like a ship, more supplies, and some heavy artillery." Suddenly an alarm went off. Roger stepped back into a shadow as red lights started flashing. About twelve Sequel Policemen rushed up and met at the side of the gold ship.
"All right, Wilcoís stolen one of the time pods. We think heís escaped back to Space Quest X. Once weíre sure weíll call for backups. NV695683 and AL2665489, you guest check out Space Quest III. Weíll find that $#@!%&* if itís the last thing we do." The four guards that were making time travel went off to their pods. Once the passengers were inside, the pods phased out of Space Quest XII. The other guards stood around waiting for a signal. Roger couldnít wait for them to leave, so he snuck out of the shadow he was hiding in and into the Sequel Police dispatcher room. He made his way down the stairs that were to his right. Once down the stairs he found an assortment of goods. There were at least twelve different types of guns and blasters. Roger picked up a Policemanís Hand Blaster and a phaser rifle and put them in his pants. Guess thereís a lot of empty space down there. Next Roger found a wall that contained buckazoids from all the different time periods. Roger stole fifty buckazoids for each time period except Space Quest X, he stole one-hundred for that time period because wanted to buy Kingís Quest XXXXVIII at the software store in the Galaxy Galleria. With that he stepped over to the thing he would need the most, a time generator. If this was correctly installed into the spot where the warp distributor cap should be, when you hit for warp speed it would give you time travel. Thatís obviously what Grad Nulec had in his ship. He took the time generator and put it in his pants, then picked up the Time Pod Time Codes book, written by some guy named Fonzo Funk. He made his way back up the stairs, to a good spot where he could make a time jump when suddenly two of the SQís saw Roger.
"There he is! Get him!" they shouted. Roger pretended to go back down the stairs, but actually jumped into a back corner. This made on of the guards yell, "Heís heading down the stairs. We got him trapped!" Not bad Roger, if only you were always this bright.
Roger once again looked forward. "Bite me!" Hey, donít make me end this story now and have you get killed! "Iím sorry, I apologize," Roger said. He hopped back into the gold shipís landing gear compartment. Two of the guards came back up the stairs.
"I just donít get it," one said, "We had him trapped. Then poof, he was gone." The SP made a gesture of an explosion with his hands. "Well, come on. Letís run this transport down to the surface." They both got in, and within moments Roger was on the streets of future, war torn Xenon. Roger looked around and once the gold ship took off into the distance he came out from hiding. Now that they were gone he had some business to take care of. He walked over towards a sewer grate when he noticed that there was a flashing light at the top of one of the buildings. It showed the time, not that that really mattered since he had a time gun. It said it was 23:41. That couldnít be right. Didnít matter really. Roger pulled the cover off the sewer and hopped in. Just as he exited the street level, the Eradicator Droid flew by. It stopped, moved its electronic head around, then moved on. Below street level Roger found a glass jar on a shelf near the table that had one last time he was here. Then he turned a wheel that opened a door into the sewer. He stepped in and started to walk when an ooze formed behind him. Thatís what he needed. He scooped some of it up into his glass jar, then he used the time gun to open a rip. Roger stepped through, with the rip closing behind him.
In Space Quest IV:
Roger Wilco and the Time RippersÖ
The time gunís rip deposited Roger in his hoped destination of Space Quest IV in the cantina on the planet Magmethius. Unfortunately it dropped him into a toilet. Roger stood up and stepped out of the toilet, his pants soaking wet and he was dripping water all over the floor. Luckily he could get a new pair of clothes in Space Quest X once he stole the Aluminum Mallard. Wilco checked his pockets to make sure the time generator was still there. He felt the bulge in his pocket and knew it was still there so he walked out of the restroom and into the bar area. He hopped his dripping pants wouldnít attract attention, but luckily now one cared about a lowly janitor like himself. He stepped up to the bar and said to the bartender, "Gimme a double bourbon on the rocks." The barkeep ducked and looked under the counter for a cup and some ice. After he finished making the drink he came back up from under the counter with Wilcoís drink. Roger set 2 Bz on the counter, then he took a sip from his drink. Suddenly two Sequel Policemen stepped into the bar. Roger quickly swiveled away from their sight.
One said, "Wilco isnít here. Letís secure the perimeter and check for the Aluminum Mallard." The other nodded, then they both walked out.
Roger didnít want to take any chances of being confused by the Sequel Police as the Wilco of this time, so he was about to walk out of the bar when he heard this time periods Wilco say, "Come on in guys. Iíll buy you some drinks and then you can listen to my incredible stories."
The Roger heard an alienís voice. "As long as youíre paying, Iím interested in listening." Rather than be seen by Wilco, he hid in a communications booth, and once Wilco had walked past the booth and up to the bar with the alien, Roger stepped out of the booth only to cram back in to hide. The Policemen who had been here only a minute before must have heard the Mallard power down and land. They stepped in and looked around before finally spotting Wilco in a corner at the back of the bar telling his tales to some homely-looking alien type. I guess everyone canít be as fortunate as you Roger.
Roger looked out of the phone booth at the author. "You are really getting on my nerves!" he yelled. Thatís it, no more Mr. Nice Author. I told you no more insulting me. The door to the booth swung open and the Sequel Police rose their blasters.
"Here he is," one shouted to the other, although it wasnít necessary since they were standing right next to each other.
Suddenly Roger cried out. "No, please Dan. Give me one more chance. Iíll be good, I promise." All right, All right. I take that part about the Sequel Police finding him out of the story. Anyways. Roger really turned red on that one, but he didnít say anything to upset the author. The Sequel Policemen stepped over to Wilco, which gave time for Roger to escape. He opened the booth door and stepped out of the bar. Once outside he stepped up to the Aluminum Mallard. The door was locked like he had left it when he once lived in this time. That seemed like decades ago, and if you count the time period he was in last it was decades ago. He never figured he would have to steal it in the future. Oh, well. Heíd return it before Wilco knew it was missing. Roger opened the jar with the green acid and poured it on the doorís lock. He then popped the door opened and walked in. Once he was inside, he sat down in the pilotís seat. The ship shook back and forth, the Time Rippers where on top of the it. Roger heard phaser blasts go off on the right side of the ship. The he saw Wilco and Roger Wilco Junior run past the front of the ship and into an alley. Junior opened a time rip and Wilco hopped in. Now that he was gone, Roger hit the undock button on his console, then piloted his ship up and off the planet. Once he had left the atmosphere and entered space he stood from the pilotís chair and looked around for the time gun. He couldnít find it. "My, God! I left it back at the restroom," he thought out loud. But he couldnít go back, and if his plan worked he wouldnít need it anyway. Roger walked to the control panel for the warp distributor cap. He hoped the time generator and it would interface correctly since the time generator had been made decades after this type of warp distribution was the top of the line. Roger turned the warp drives off line, then pulled out the distributor cap. He replaced the open space with the time generator. "Here goes nothing," he said out loud. Not true, if this doesnít work, you have no way to get back to the Space Quest VI era. Then youíd be stuck here in SQIV. That would ruin any story lines for future Space Quest games. Then Sierra-Online would sue me. So that means that this will have to work. "Boy," he said, "You really take the fun out of my adventures. First of all, you canít write crap. I really wish the Two Guys were doing this. And second of all, you canít narrate good. Whereís Gary Owens when you need him?" Well youíre not Mr. Perfect either. Maybe I should have this ship depressurize, or have you get sucked out the airlock. Give me some time, Iíll think of something. "Oh, no. Iím really scared now." Roger walked back up to the front of the ship and sat down in the pilotís chair. "Next stop," he began, "Space Quest VI and the Deep Ship 86." He hit the warp speed button, but now that the time generator was in place of the warp distributor cap, the Mallard just phased out of Space Quest IV.
In Space Quest VI:
Roger Wilco in The Spinal FrontierÖ
The Aluminum Mallard phased into SQ6 right above Polysorbate LX. "All right. This will be the best time to get over to the Deep Ship, while most of the crew was on shore leave including me of the past," he thought. Roger piloted the Mallard on full thrusters into the atmosphere of Polysorbate LX to avoid being detected by the Deep Shipís sensors.
On board the Deep ShipÖ
"Sir, sensors just picked up a small ship almost under us, then it just disappeared again," the science officer reported.
Kielbasa looked confused. "What happened to it? Did it go into cloak?"
"Negative, sir. It wasnít a decloak sort of appearance. It like, just phased in or something."
Dorffís voice spoke up. "Sir, Mr. Wilco requests permission to transport down to Polysorbate for shore leave."
"All right. Tell him he can transport down when heís ready. Mr. Porkins, please lower the shields." The weapons officer nodded. A soft creaking noise surrounded the ship, it was the noise of the shields going down. The science station beeped, the during the middle of the second beep it stopped. "What was that?" Kielbasa asked.
"I have no idea, wait, it was an illegal transport onto our ship. Its hard to get an exact location but, there it is, Cargo Hold 2665. Wilcoís Quarters. Iím sending a message down there."
In Rogerís QuartersÖ
A transporter beam swiveled around near the Mr. Soylent machine. Wilco materialized in the kitchen. He stuck his head out the door and saw that he of the past had all ready left for shore leave. He walked out of the kitchen and looked around. Boy he wished he was here in his own time period. A flashing caught Wilcoís eye. It was on the ComPost. He stepped over to it and saw that a message was waiting. Roger pressed "Y" to play it and saw Dranyís face appeared on the screen. He was the old science officer of the Deep Ship. "This is Lieutenant Drany, please come in Wilco. Please report." Then the message ended. Roger pushed a button to open standard communications with the bridge.
"This is Roger, I was just about to leave. Can I help you?" Roger lied pretending he was this eraís Roger.
Drany smiled to see him still there. "Has anything unusual happened in your quarters?"
Roger shook his head, "No. Iím sorry, should something have?"
"No, thatís okay." Drany said, then closed communications. Now that Drany was off his back he was free to walk around. He walked over to the closet door and started pressing buttons, then he pressed a big green button. The door slid open.
"All right!" Roger shouted. "I could never figure this thing out. I canít wait until I get back to my Deep Ship and put my stuff in it and clean up my room." Sure, thatís what you say Roger. I bet you wonít really clean it up. "So what, maybe I will, maybe I wonít," he then said on the defensive. Roger walked over to the table and picked up the things he came for. He took the ATM card and walked back into the kitchen to pick up Spikeís cage. He opened the cage, pulled out Spike, and stuffed him into his pocket. Then he walked to the ComPost and hit the Intraship Transport button. He chose for more, then hit the button for the Sickbay. Then he hit one for Confirm Transport. He was sucked off the decks of his room and when he landed he was on the decks of Sickbay. He saw Jebba the Hop and another doctor walking around. Wilco stepped over to the medicine cabinet and pulled out one of the two needles full of morphine. Then he stepped back onto the Transport pad and pushed to ComPost for his room. Once he was back in his quarters he walked into the kitchen for his return beam back home when he again noticed the ComPost flashing. He hit the "Y" button and saw Stellarís face appear on the screen.
"Hi, Roger. I hope you get this before you go down on shore leave. I came over on a shuttle craft during my shore leave to spend a little time with you. If you donít answer this message within an hour Iíll look into where you are staying on Polysorbate, and if youíre already there have a good time." Gosh, he must have just missed her. Oh, well. Roger stepped back into the kitchen and pulled out a transporter beacon. He hit the button that was on it, which activated the Mallardís transporter, and disappeared from the decks of the Deep Ship.
On the Bridge of the Deep ShipÖ
"Sir, Iím picking up another transport. This time its beaming off the ship," the science officer reported.
Kielbasa turned and inquired, "Could it be Wilco beaming down for shore leave?" He couldnít know how right he was.
"No, Wilco has already beamed down."
"Where did the transport originate from?"
The science officer replied, "The cargo bay, again."
"Letís have that checked out. Go on, get on it."
Meanwhile back in Space Quest XV:
Utta sat awaiting news of where Greleck was when Grad Nulec entered with two guards. Grad Nulec spoke first, "We have news of Wilco. He is still alive, and in Space Quest IV say our last readings."
Utta laughed hysterically, good thing Roger wasnít here. "Good, send out a detachment to pick him up. But if he has acquired a time gun he might have already taken his leave of Space Quest IV, so check around with the locals and see if he told anyone his plans."
This time the one of the two guards spoke, "Yes my Lord." he said.
Back in Space Quest VI:
Roger Wilco in The Spinal FrontierÖ
Polysorbate was as quiet as usual. The only place Roger heard a large amount of noise coming from it was Orionís Belt. But instead of going there, he walked over to Boot Liquor and stepped in. Pa Conshohoken stood inside. When Roger stepped up he said, "Why hello, Iím sorry but all of my buckazoid fifty stuff is sold out. All I got left is the 70 Bz good stuff. But you donít look like you could afford it."
"Yes, actually I could." Roger reached into his pocket and pulled out 50 Bz and realized that he didnít take enough from Space Quest XII. Luckily he had 21 more from his time period. "Iíll take a bottle of your Labion Ale. And make sure itís new!"
Pa turned and pulled a bottle off the shelves behind him. Roger plopped down 70 Bz and took the bottle off the counter. "Nice doing business with you." Pa said with a smile. Then he chuckled. Suddenly the sounds of two laser blasts were fired outside. Roger looked out the door to see two Sequel Policemen firing their lasers at the cinema. Wilco decided either Space Quest 7: The Musical was sold out, or they were here from Space Quest XII looking for Roger after being sent by Sludge Vohaul. He hopped this didnít change any of the future past, or past future, or whatever the hell it was. Roger flipped out his transporter beacon and pressed the button to return to the Mallard. He began to dematerialize, then rematerialized.
"What the hell?" Roger said aloud. This only happened when a dampening field or shields were up around the beam destination. Had the Sequel Police put up a shield around the Mallard? Suddenly he dematerialized and reappeared on the Aluminum Mallard. Wilco didnít care what happened, he just sat down in the pilotís chair of the ship and hit the warp speed button. The ship phased out of Space Quest VI just as another Sequel Police space ship phased in from SQ12.
In Space Quest XV:
Grad Nulec stood beside Utta, who was deeply in a conversation with one of the dancers from his court. When two guards walked in he told her, "Hang on a minute honey. Yes, any news of Wilco?"
One of the guards responded, "Yes, we have picked up a trace of him on Polysorbate LX in SQ6."
"Good, send another detachment down there, and try to get him before he leaves!"
Meanwhile in Space Quest X:
The Latex Babes of EstrosÖ
The Aluminum Mallard slowed to a stop as it neared the Galaxy Galleria. After docking the ship, Roger left and entered the giant complex. Roger had come for only a few things, one being Kingís Quest XXXXVIII. The first thing he did was step onto the people mover. He rode it until he passed the software store, he immediately got off to see a whole crowd around the store. He immediately got in line to find out that he had just gotten the last one. What a break, he couldnít wait to get home and play it on his new computer. Now to get out of these soaking pants. Roger stepped back onto the people mover and rode it all the way down to Big and Tall. Once there, he stepped off and into the store. The droid on duty slid over to Roger. "Excuse me sir," he said in a fake French accent, "You seem to be in dire need of my services."
"Well, yes. You see, I was, erÖI mean, umÖ. I accidentally fell into a toilet and I need some new pants," Roger replied embarrassed.
"All right, let me get your measurements." The droid rushed over to Roger and pulled out his measuring tape. After getting the measurements the droid went over to a shelf labeled "Generic Space Hero Line", which oddly was right next to the shelf labeled "Evil, Bad Guy Line". "All right, try these on in the dressing room." Roger stepped in and in about four minutes came out looking new and clean, like right out of the Academy. "That will be five buckazoids, please." The droid finished. Roger plopped the 5 Bz down, then left the store.
Now Roger had to escape, but he knew the Sequel Police guarded all the main exits. The he had an idea, "If the me of SQ4 has already come through here, then the clothes I, I mean he bought should still be at Sacks," he thought. He ran down the people mover and finally reached Sacks. He walked in and into the back changing room. And, I donít believe it, dressed up like a woman again, but this time leaving his janitorís uniform on under the dress. Then he left the store and went to the main exit. He hoped this worked and that the Sequel Police didnít see right through his disguise. Roger stepped on the down escalator that led him to the parking area. Right where the floor met the escalator stood a Policeman.
At first when he saw Roger he pulled out his phaser rifle, but when he thought it was a woman he put it away saying, "Oh, sorry doll." Once Roger was passed the guard and had gotten into the Mallard, he took off the dress. He piloted the Mallard out of the parking garage and into space where he made another time jump.
In Space Quest XV:
The fat lard that was Utta awaited more news of where Wilco was in time. Grad Nulec entered with a worried expression on his face. "My lord, Wilco just left Space Quest X and we have reason to believe he is going to Space Quest V. Although we have no proof, I request we send a detachment there before he reaches it."
Utta nodded, "Yes, he is there. I know it. Call for my ship. Iím going with you. There will be no one to stop us this time!"
Meanwhile in Space Quest V:
The Next MutationÖ
The Aluminum Mallard pulled into a standard orbit around the StarCon Spacebar. Roger hit the sensor button on his console. A sensor readout showed that the Eureka was already in orbit. "Damn!" he thought aloud, "This will be a real short party if Iím was recognized." Roger stepped out of the cockpit of the Mallard and into the back room where the transporter was. He stepped onto the pad and said, "All right, energize," to the voice activated computer transporter. Roger felted his atom being pulled apart and relocated on the pad at the bar. Once he was totally rematerialized, he looked around his surroundings. Everything was the same, not that it should be different. Roger immediately checked the seats across for him. Luckily Droole, Flo, and himself of the past werenít already there. He stepped off the transporter pad and looked around again. The lava lamp was down to the right. Up forward and above him was the arcade. The bar itself was off to the left. Roger thought heíd get a drink, but suddenly he heard the hum of a transporter beam. He assumed it was Cliffy, Flo, and Droole. Roger decided to get out of the way quickly, he walked up the stairs to the arcade. Once on the upper balcony he looked back at the transporter to see himself of the past beam in. Oh well. He stepped over to the Stooge Fighter Remix box and popped in a buckazoid. He watched the game come to life. The Stooge Fighter title screen came up, then the list of characters.
Stooge Fighter Remix
Curly Joe Happy
Roger keyed in ABACABB on his control console, a cheat cod that gave him the character lists released in Stooge Fighter II and the original. In his time STIII had been released, but here they were still playing the Remix. Wilcoís new list read:
ShimpFat CurlyCoily Joe
MoeCrazy MoeBig Moe
Curly Joe Happy
Ever since Stooge Fighter II came out and he accidentally picked Coily Joe, Joe had become his favorite character. Wilco moved the highlighter over Coily Joe and hit the "Letís Rumble" button. The "Letís Get Wild!" screen came up, then the fight begun. Since the computer couldnít use the cheat code it picked Shimpy. Roger played for a few minutes, then heard Quirk say to the Roger below him "I demand satisfaction! I challenge you to a game of Battle Cruiser, wimp!"
"Fine, Iíll kick your aft side into the next quadrant Quirk!" Wilco of this time said.
"This is it. Iím about to kick Quirkís butt in a game of Battle Cruiser. I remember this. I better get out of here before they come up though" Roger thought to himself. He walked down the stairs and up to the bar.
He heard Quirk finish the conversation before the game, "Ha! Weíll see about that, broom jockey!" They both walked up the stairs to the arcade.
The barkeep walked up to Roger, "Whatíll you have?"
"Iíd like a double bourbon, on the rocks."
The bartender shook his head, "Iím sorry, the captain of the Eureka just ordered the last one." He had ordered the last of the bourbon just two years ago, damn.
"All right, Iíll take a Green Goblin." The bartender nodded and pulled out a triangular glass. He poured In some green stuff, then some vodka. To finish it off he dropped in a cherry.
"Here, you go. Do you have an account with StarCon or are you going to pay with cash?"
"I have an account with StarCon, but Iíll just pay with cash." The main reason he was going to pay in cash was that his new account was set up on the Deep Ship, and in this time, the Deep Ship hadnít even been built yet. He dropped down 3 Bz and swiveled his chair around to gaze around the bar just in time to see Cliffy arguing with Quibbly. At first Roger was shocked, but then he remembered this was before Cliffy had made Quibbly his junior engineer aboard the Goliath.
"You must be so ashamed to serve aboard the Eureka, that garbage scow," Quibbly said with a chuckle. "Iíd be so embarrassed if I had to change a spark plug on that piece of crud or should I say, piece of crap! And that Wilco, what an idiot."
Roger felt like going and slugging that jerk, but he restrained himself since he knew Cliffy was going to do it for him. "The Eureka is a great ship, and Iím proud to serve under the great Captain Wilco," Cliffy said to Rogerís surprise. He hadnít known that Cliffy was proud to serve under him. Quibbly snickered at the mention of Wilco. "Why you dirty no goodÖ", Cliffy took a swing at Quibbly. Two guards ran up and grabbed them both. Just then Wilco and Quirk came down the stairs from their game.
That Wilco said, "Whatís going on here, Cliffy?"
"Captain, that slug bait crewman from the Goliath called our ship a garbage scow. I couldnít just sit there and let him get away with that."
"Cliffy, the Eureka is a garbage scow."
Cliffy thought about it for a minute, then said, "Oh, yeah. I forgot. But he didnít have to go rubbing our noses in it." The conversation continued for a minute, then the two guards took Cliffy and walked him into the back area. Quirk and Quibbly walked away and stepped onto the transporter pad and beamed away as this times Wilco went and sat down with Flo and Droole. Roger turned back to his drink and took a sip.
"Yuck! How can Droole drink this?" Roger yelled out in his thoughts. Roger decided to mix himself a new drink. He reached over the counter and pulled out a bottle of Mesbat Brandy. Suddenly an alarm went off and Roger looked up. The space monkeys his counterpart had set loose were multiplying at an alarming rate. The other Wilco wasnít to be seen, but Droole and Flo were on the transporter pad beaming back up to the Eureka. Then Roger saw something strange, someone was actually beaming in. Three someones to be exact. Utta, Nulec, and a guardís shape started to form on the transporter pad. Roger stepped back into a shadow as they stepped off the pad. All three of them turned towards the giant lava lamp and walked that way, then they stepped into the souvenir shop. Roger walked over and stepped up behind them. "Hey, Utta. Looking for me?"
"Oh, there you are," he said.
"You didnít think I was going to run did you?"
"Look, Wilco. Come back with us, and maybe I wonít kill you. What do you say?"
Roger shook his head, "Sorry, I have a few more things I need to take care of." He started to run when a blast hit his leg. He fell and when he tried to get up he felt Grad Nulecís foot on his back.
"You donít understand, " he began, "When Lord Utta says something, you obey him. Is that clear?" Suddenly the two guards who had imprisoned Cliffy ran out of the detention area.
"Hey, get off him." One yelled and fired their phaser at Nulec knocking him to the ground. Roger stood and ran to the transporter pad. Right as he beamed out he heard Utta say to the Grad, "To your ship, we must catch him."
Back on the Aluminum MallardÖ
Roger ran to the pilotís controls and hit for full impulse for the Druthemin System. The bounty hunters ship also undocked, in full pursuit of the Mallard. "What am I going to do. That ship is from the future, Iím sure it will be able to overtake me. If only I could create some sort of a mirage of me going into a time warp." Then it hit him. "Murage! The killer droid from Ulence Flats. Thatís it." Roger hit the warp speed button, and his ship phased out.
Aboard Nulecís shipÖ
A blip on the radar screen showed where Rogerís ship was. Suddenly it disappeared. "Whereíd he go? Whereíd he go?" Utta screamed.
Nulec was calm, "He must have made the jump into time. I canít track him from here but if we go back to your palace in Space Quest XV Iím sure Iíll be able to find him."
"No! We almost had him, Iím not going back without him," he replied.
"Sir, we really donít have a choice. I mean we could just time hop, but I have no guarantee weíll find him."
"Letís try it," Utta said, "Start with Space Quest I." Nulec nodded and his ship phased out also.
In Space Quest I or Star Quest:
The Sarien EncounterÖ
Rogerís ship reappeared in Space Quest. He set course for the planet Kerona and set off at full impulse power. After the Mallard had been gone at least two minutes, Nulecís ship, the Drone II appeared. "Can you locate him?" Utta asked.
"Yes, heís here. Heís heading towards the planet Kerona on full impulse. Iíll be able to overtake his ship."
"Good," Utta said and smiled.
Back on the MallardÖ
"All right, standard orbit around Kerona." Roger said each thing he was doing as he did it. Once he was in a standard orbit he stepped back onto the transporter. "All right, energize." He materialized right outside the old bar. He hoped the bartender didnít remember about that Slots-O-Death game exploding. Up above him he heard a loud rumbling sound. He looked up to see the Drone II pull into an orbit next to the Aluminum Mallard. "I need to make this fast," he said aloud. Now he ran towards Droids-B-Us. Once there he entered, the droid shop keeper started talking.
"If you see any droid you think you would like, just give a holler. Our first droid is the Sux-9000. Sorry but Iím all sold out. Our next droid is the Nav-201, good for piloting all ships. In fact a fellow came in today and bought one. Hereís a fine fighter if you are fighting a rebellion, itís called the Skywalker 1.4. And speaking of fighting, try out the Murage. Now on sale at 51 Bz, just got some in today."
Roger spoke up, "Iíll take it. Here." He pulled out the fifty he got from Space Quest XII and the one left over from when he bought the Labion Ale back in Space Quest VI.
The droid took a look at the buckazoid of the future, then said "This is not a standard monetary unit, but I will take it as seeing it has the normal markings as official galactic money. You can pick up your droid out back, he is currently turned off but you can activate and deactivate him just by saying the word ĎMurageí. It is a pleasure doing business with you." Roger nodded, then walked outside and to the Droids-B-Us pickup center. The Murage was carried out since it wasnít active, then placed in front of Roger. Utta and Grad Nulec ran around from the front and came up to Roger.
"Now we got you, no guards, just you, me, and Nulec," Utta said.
"You forgot one person, my buddy Murage!" That was it, the droid came to life and fire a blast of energy, which could knocked out a shipís shields in one shot, at Nulec. He was totally vaporized. Utta pulled in his head and rolled away at top speed. "Now fire at the ship!" Roger yelled. The droid complied and the blast brought the Drone II right to the ground. The burning pile that used to be the Drone II lay in front of them. Roger stepped back to the droid working the pickup center. "Could you hold my droid for me? Donít give it out to anyone but me, okay."
The droid nodded and said, "Yes," then it turned an looked into the shop, "Hey guys, get out here and put it with the rest of the ĎOn holdí droids." Roger walked off towards the SQ IV Rogerís time pod and stepped in. He pulled out the book by Fonzo Funk called "Time Pod Time Codes". It only had on page:
Time Button Numbers
Star Quest 10-14-8-2-12-7
Space Quest III 1-2-3-4-5-6
Space Quest X 15-15-15-15-15-15
Space Quest XII 3-6-13-13-10-11
Space Quest XV 6-2-8-13-15-9
Space Quest XXX 15-12-12-12-12-12
Roger typed in the buttons for the numbers of Space Quest XXX. Electrical blasts swarmed along the outside of the pod as he disappeared. Utta came back from around the bar. He walked over to the wreckage of the Drone II and looked around in it. Finally he found what he was looking for, the time generator. Utta had a plan, he would buy a ship from Tinyís Used Ships and install the time generator into it. He wasnít about to let Wilco beat him again.
Welcome to Space Quest XXX:
Roger Wilco in Another Fucking Space Quest AdventureÖ
Rogerís time pod phased in still surrounded by electricity. As he stepped out he found himself on a planet in the Earnon system. The only reason he knew that was the green sun that shown above him, was the only green sun in the universe. This looked a lot like Xenon, but Roger could tell it wasnít. It was to cold, and although the sun still showed brightly, it was considerably dull. That meant he was probably farther out than Xenon, maybe on the planet Derex. All the building here were run down and abandoned, in fact, Roger didnít think he saw any humanoid life on the planet at all. "Why the hell did I come here?" Roger yelled out to non-existent auditory organs. Then he remembered, he had hoped that he could find his son, but it didnít look like heíd find him here. How could this Space Quest even exist without Roger, or had he been replaced? He looked at the status bar and saw that the title was Roger Wilco in Another FuckingÖetc. That had to mean he was here or would be here. But why would he come here? To this desolate place? All his questions were answered in a second when three Xenonians came out of a sewer grate to the left of him. They were all armed to the teeth with weapons.
Suddenly one said, "Hey, itís him. The Savior of Xenon."
Another chimed in, "Yes, it is him. He has come back to save us from the evil sun."
The third one looked quite familiar, then he recognized him. It was his son. "Roger, what happened here?"
"As feared back when you served aboard the Arcada, our sun has failed sending us into an ice age," he said.
"But this isnít so bad, its not to cold. Whatís so bad?" Roger senior asked.
Roger junior looked worried. He took his father aside and said, "The sun is going to go supernova. Itís going to destroy this whole system. Original, Xenonian scientists thought it would just fail and that our Star Generator would be able to save us. Now they have learned this, only a select few know the truth. We are trying to keep the hope alive that we can pull through this. The Xenonians tell stories of the great savior, you. You would come and save us from the sun of evil. Of course this is quite impossible. You know even less than we do about this. But why are you here?"
His father stared right into his sonís eyes. "I came here for you. I know what youíre doing here, trying to help save Xenon and all, but I need you. My life depends on it."
His son thought for a moment, then shook his head. "I canít leave," he started, "We are close to finding a way to stop the process that will cause the supernova. Then itís just a matter of time before we restore the sun to normal." Another blast of light, and a Sarien Warship appeared before them. The door opened and a plank lowered to give the Sarienís a way off. About ten dozen guards came out with weapons. Once on the streets of Xenon they opened fire. The two men who had come with Rogerís son fired back. Another group of ten or so Xenonian males, also armed to the teeth, came out and began to fight. A blast from a Sarien rifle knocked Roger in the leg and he slammed into the cold, hard streets. "Dad!" Roger Jr. yelled.
Roger stared up saying, "Go on without me, save yourself."
"No, I wonít leave you. Come on." Rogerís son lifted him and carried him towards the time pod. The door to the pod slid open and Roger Jr. slid his fathers body in. Another blast went off right above Roger Juniorís head. He turned back to take his last look at Xenon. He knew he wasnít coming home from this one. When the next blast just missed him he knew it was time to go. As he jumped in and the door slid shut above him, he had a feeling that he was betraying all he fought for. But he had to continue. He poked his father with his elbow, "Stay awake. If you go unconscious I might lose you!" Roger Jr. wanted to see that his fatherís last wish, that Utta die, was to be fulfilled with or without his father. He entered the time code for Space Quest XV and left in a blaze of electricity.
"Crap! Get them you stupid Sarienís. I knew I should have waited for my guards from Space Quest XV." The battle continued for a few minutes while all the Sarien guards piled back into the time ship they had come in. This took time since some had to stay and continue fighting until it was their turn to hop in the ship. Once all the guards were in the ship, they made the jump into time.
Back in Space Quest XV:
Uttaís Fucking RevengeÖ
Roger Jr. hopped out of the time pod. "All right dad, what should I do?" he immediately asked.
Roger faintly smiled, "I have a bottle of Labion Ale and a bottle of Mesbat Brandy. Mix them together and replace Uttaís drink with it."
"Youíll see," Roger said, then laid his head down. His son walked over to Uttaís Grand Throne, which was currently vacated since Utta was in Space Quest XXX. Roger Jr. mixed the drinks and replaced the old drink with the new concoction. Rogerís son started to walk back to the time pod to find out what to do next when two blasts hit the wall near him. Two of Uttaís guards were at the entrance to the court, holstering phaser rifles. Another blast struck the side of the time pod, knocking it over into a small pool of water that Utta kept as a decoration. Roger spilled out of the pod and into the cold water. Upon seeing this, the guards ran to the edge of the pool and ordered Wilco to get out. As he tried to get out, he called out "I need some help. Please, Iím hurt. Just pull me out."
The two guards looked at each other and nodded. "All right, KC695683. But watch out for a trick." Both of them knelt down to give Roger a hand and when they were in range, he grabbed their wrists and pulled them into the pool. A spark arose from the place they had landed in the wet pool, and started to spread outward. Roger quickly hopped out of the pool and onto the floors of the palace, his son came over to help him up.
"What do you think of that, dad?" his son asked.
Roger pondered it for a moment, then realized it. "Theyíre droids. Thatís why they fried in the water. And if theyíre droids, there must be a main computer that controls them. If we find it and shut it down, itíll just me you, me, and Utta. But first, come onÖ" He began to explain a plan.
Meanwhile, Utta plotted back in Space Quest ]I[:
The Pirates of PestulonÖ
Utta stood outside the door where the fighter droids were kept in Scumsoft. If he could steal one of these, heíd have an edge over Wilco, his Murage droid, and his son. "Now if only I could figure out this blasted door code," Utta grumbled trying to figure out the password. Not that this was one of those super strong titanic metal-job doors mind you. If he had wanted to, he could have just blasted the door down. But that of course would set the alarms off, sending security into a frenzy. Utta tried at least a dozen combinations before he gave up and went and sat in a dark, shadowy corner. Now sitting for a Meban is no easy feat, it takes at least five minutes. Anyways, er I mean anyway. Gees, Roger would have a fit if he were here. Anyway:
In another part of Scumsoft in Space Quest ]I[, RogerÖ
"Hold it," Utta called out. Wait a minute. He said that to me. "Are you telling me that that good for nothing, sleazy, ugly, waste of hard drive space is in this time? Where?" he asked. Oh dear, I think Iíve said to much. Iíll leave now.
At some workers cubicle, in ScumsoftÖ
Roger and his son looked around for a computer terminal. The cubicle he was in, luckily, had one. Roger sat down and started to boot up the computer, the screen showed:
Your home for great software.
Creators of such fine games as:
Stooge Fighter I, II, Remix, and III
Ms. Astro Chicken
Virtual Battle Cruiser
Home Battle Cruiser
and some other games.
Roger remembered something he forgot. "Damn! Hey son, can I trouble you?" he asked.
"Sure, what do you need?"
"I need you to go to Space Quest XII and pick up a disk from Sludge Vohaulís super computer."
His son smiled, "You got it, dad." He walked out of the cramped cubicle and climbed into the time pod. He hit the code for SQ12 and took off. Hey Roger, I need to tell you something.
"Yes, Dan?" Roger asked. You see. Well Utta is here, at Scumsoft, and I accidentally let it out that you were here. Roger gave me a mean glance, then asked "Where is he?" Heís trying to get into the room that contains the Nukem Dukem Robots. Roger began to shake his head, to shame me. Well, I donít have to take this.
Roger Jr. lands in Space Quest II:
The time pod appeared inside Vohaulís asteroid hideout. "Hey, what the hell? I didnít want to come here," he said getting out.
"Yes, but I wanted you here!" a robotic voice announced. Roger Jr. turned to see Sludge Vohaul sitting in a chair high up on a platform. Around him was a large computer system. A genetically engineered door-to-door life insurance salesman walked up to the time pod. He carried a box with him, on the side had a picture of a not particularly wholesome man. It also had the letters LSL scribbled on the side. "I need you to deliver something to Xenon for me."
"Why should I help you?"
"Because if donít, Iíll have to keep you here forever. And then Utta will kill your father, since you couldnít complete his task. And youíll be taken down to a Labion mining colony, thinking about how you let your father down," he said smugly.
"All right, Iíll do it." The salesman pulled Roger Jr. out of the pod. He set the box in the time pod and set a code for Space Quest IX, which he was programmed to know without the time book, and let it leave. "Where is it going?" the young man asked.
"To Space Quest IX, where it will be found by Xenonians and used to destroy their super computer. Then Iíll control Xenon if this plan fails. Iím sure it wonít, but itís just a backup."
Roger Jr. realized he was what caused the destruction of his home planet. It was his fault. When the pod phased back in, Vohaul let him go about whatever he was doing. Once Roger was in the pod, he set off for Space Quest IX to undo what Vohaul had done. He hoped that would give him enough time to complete his task before the super computer was overrun by Vohaulís Virus.
In Space Quest IX:
Vohaulís Conquering of XenonÖ
Roger Jr.ís pod phased in on the streets of Xenon. Unlike the Xenon of Space Quest XII, these streets had buildings that werenít falling down. The people of Xenon didnít have a care in the world. "Hopefully I havenít change in appearance much. Maybe I can still pass for myself of this time," he thought. He walked along the cobblestone streets of the city he called home, although home in the future. Once he reached the Xenonian Capital Building, two guards greeted him with frowns.
"Iím sorry," one began, "but no one can see Lord Granada right now."
"But this has to do with the safety of Xenon. Iím sure he could spare just a few minutes!" Roger protested. The guard shook his head no. "Fine," Roger said, "but when you wake up dead, donít come crying to me." As he started to walk away, the guard spoke.
"All right. Iíll go check, stay here!" he commanded. The guard entered the building through the 15 foot doors that were behind him. After about five minutes the guard emerged with a message from Granada. "Heís busy in a meeting with Congressman Zekk. Once he is done, youíll be called for. If you would like to wait in the Café 2010 Iíll call you when Lord Granada is ready to see you." Roger nodded and walked off towards the café. Once he was inside he remembered something about this place. Yes, this is the future site of the Golden Mop Societyís Roger Wilco Memorial. It was indeed a wondrous café. Although quite small, it did have a great decorum. Roger stepped up to a register and looked over a menu as a Xenonian girl, obviously a waitress, came up to him.
"May I take your order?" the waitress asked. Her voice was very nasally, like there was a clothes pin around he noise. But since Roger saw none, he guessed thatís how her voice was.
Roger placed his order, "Iíd like a Double Ulvula Spritzer, twist the fleck rind. And I want it hack and whipped, not like one of those shaken or stirred sissy drinks." The waitress nodded and went off to mix his drink. Roger turned and looked straight ahead and asked, "So, howís my father doing?" Well, aside from sitting around waiting for you to bring him theÖ Wait a minute, Iím not supposed to tell you that? "Well, can you at least tell me what I should do next?" What do you think I am, a hint book? "Fine! Be that way." He turned back to the bar as the woman set down his drink. He thanked the woman and paid her five buckazoids. The door to the café swung open, ringing a bell to tell the waitresses that a new customer had entered the room. One of the girls walked up and asked if he wanted a drink.
"No, thank you. Iím here to inform Mr. Wilco that Lord Granada will grant him an audience." Upon hearing this Roger Jr. stepped up to the large guard an said he was the one that sought the audience with the lord. The large guard spoke again. "Then come with me. Lord Granada wishes to hear all advise from his people." At that, the guard led Roger out of the café and across the street to Granadaís Palace. At the first set of doors, two guards came out with wooden spears.
"Letís see some identification!" one of the two said. The guard with Roger pulled out a badge with his name and an insignia on it. Wilco recognized it as Xenonís symbol of the Royal House. The other of the two guards nodded and let the guard and Roger by. At every door, the process was the same. That is, until they reached the doors into Granadaís Royal Palace room. When they reached those doors two guards came out with very large and deadly blasters.
"This is it. The final stop. But without the correct password, you with both be vaporized. Now what is the password?" the guard asked. The guard leading Roger to Granada took a deep breath, one wrong word and theyíd both be history.
"We serve thee, Lord Granada!" With that, the guards opened the doors to the palace room, letting Wilco gaze in wonder and awe.
Lord Granada looked at the guard, and then the young man. Wilco opened his mouth to speak, "This is the most grand room in all of Xenon. Not even Lord Redendousís room had this splendor. But my lord, I have urgent news, one of universal importance." When Wilco spoke that final sentence, Granada waved his hand to signal that the guard should leave. Once he was gone he asked Wilco to continue. "I know this sounds hard to believe, but Iím a time traveler from Space Quest XXX. Very soon, if you havenít yet, you will locate a box floating in space. On its side are the letters LSL and the picture of a not particularly wholesome man. You must load the contents of this into your computer in order to access it. It contains the Vohaul Virus. In my time, Xenon is a place of ruin, not beauty. Heed my words Granada, for I must leave now and will not be able to witness the destruction of this box and what it contains."
Lord Granada sat back in his chair and said "My, my. This is very bad news. My men are working right now to load the program into the super computer. They said they were having trouble with the old wiring and interface. Hopefully they still have not fixed the problem. I will go at once to find out, and you may stay if you wish."
"No, I really must be going. I have very important business"
"All right, "Granada said standing and walking towards his door. "Donít worry, Iíll take care of this right away." They both walked down to the ground level and out of the palace. Roger went immediately to his time pod and re-entered the code for Space Quest XII. One of the palace guards came over and handed him a large deadly blaster saying, "Lord Granada told me the information that you gave him was important. Thank you for helping my planet. Take this, you might need this." After taking the weapon he closed the pod door. He hoped he wouldnít have anymore side trips, and he hoped Lord Granada reached the technicians in time to stop the installation. It would be a great help to Xenon. His pod phased out of this time as Granada walked across the street. A hovercar pulled around the corner and, not seeing Granada, sped up to maximum speed. The car struck Lord Granada, killing him and the chance of saving Xenon he carried with him.
In Space Quest XII:
Vohaulís Revenge IIÖ
As Rogerís time pod phased in, he looked around. He wasnít in the normal pod bay, he was at the site where Vohaul would normally be. But Vohaulís giant computerized head wasnít there, he must have already been beaten. That would make this trip easier, a lot easier. Roger remembered when he got kidnapped and brought here. And how Vohaul had taken his body. Roger went over to where the body exchange took place and looked at the small disk slot. "Yes!" Roger yelled aloud. The disk containing Vohaul was still here, and all he had to do was get it back to his dad and have it deleted. Then his father could do whatever he wanted with the disk and he could go back to Space Quest XXX. Roger popped the disk out of the slot and walked over to the time pod. He opened the door and dropped the disk into the glove compartment, then he entered the time code for Space Quest ]I[. Just before getting in the pod himself, he heard footsteps. Two Sequel Policemen entered with their blasters raised.
"Halt Wilco!" one yelled. Roger leaned over the edge of the pod and hit the ENTER key. The door closed and the pod phased out while Roger stood up to the Policemen. Although he dodged the first blast, the second hit him square in the knee sending him to the ground. Both men fired at his legs and once it seemed he was he couldnít move, they kicked him over the side.
In Space Quest ]I[:
The Pirates of PestulonÖ
The time pod phased in, Roger stood to his feet. The door slid open and Roger said, "Welcome back son, it seems like you just left." His words werenít answered because Roger Jr. wasnít in the pod. "Son! Where are you?" Roger quickly reasoned that the most logical place to start a search at was Space Quest XII, since that was where his son had been going. He jumped into the pod and felt that he was sitting on something. He got up and put the disk in his pocket, then sat down again. After typing in the code for Space Quest XII he hit the ENTER key. As his time pod left this time, he had a bad feeling that his son was in deep, deep trouble. The floor shook violently the very second Roger was gone. Utta neared the cubicle Roger had vacated only seconds ago, in a giant fighter robot.
"Where is that son of aÖ"
In Space Quest XII:
Vohaulís Revenge IIÖ
Rogerís pod appeared below where his sonís had. As the door slid open, Roger stepped out and looked at his sonís limp body. The boy opened his eyes slightly and said, "Dad, we have to see this thing through. Utta must pay for his crimes." He closed his eyes, then jolted them open as if he was trying to keep from sleeping. "Go on, you go back to Space Quest ]I[ and then Space Quest XV. Youíll beat Utta. You just go on without me."
"No, youíre coming with me. You hear that. Now here," Roger said picking up his son. He moved him over to the pod and set him in. It seemed weeks ago when he had been in the same predicament. But now his son was paralyzed, not just injured. Two blast bolts hit the floor beside him, and he decided it was time for him to go. Once in, he did the usual routine, typed in the time code, hit the ENTER button, and listened to the neat music that played. Once he was gone, Utta phased in, still in his fighter robot.
"Damn!" he yelled aloud. Two blasts from the guards above hit him, so he turned and fired a giant blast of pure energy. This disintegrated the two guards. "Letís see Wilcoís Murage droid match that."
Space Quest ]I[:
Pirates of PestulonÖ
The pod appeared. Roger hopped out and made this trip as quick as he could. He popped the disk in the computer slot, then hit the copy button to copy a virus program onto his disk. Once the copying was done, he shut down the computer and returned to the pod. He quickly exited this time and into Space Quest XV.
Back In Space Quest XV:
Roger got out of the pod and looked around. No one was here, at least it didnít seem like it. Roger scanned the walls for a computer terminal, but he didnít find one. Then it hit him, the control station for the guards was probably up on Uttaís chair. Roger rushed to the large, round chair and sat down. Sure enough, right on the arm was a computer terminal. It showed little dots which symbolized where the guards where, in fact, this was a lot like the Pocket Pal he had back in Space Quest XII. Roger popped the disk into the slot, and was about to hit LOAD, when the floor shook violently, and Utta entered in his own killer droid. "Step away from my chair, Roger," he said, his voice being amplified by the droid. Roger stepped down as two guards rushed up. They grabbed him and held Roger for Utta to kill. Just then, Roger Jr. put his arms up over the top of the pod, holstering the large blaster he had been given in Space Quest IX. He pulled the trigger and watched it blast Uttaís droid into a million pieces, leaving the Meban on the floor. "Fire!" he yelled, and the two guards did. The blasts were enough to, once again, knock the pod over into the pool of water. But this time, as Roger Jr. struggled to get out, he drowned since he was paralyzed from the middle of his chest down.
"No! God, donít let this be happening! PleaseÖno," Roger screamed as Roger Jr.ís body became limp and floated to the bottom of the pool. Now, as the guards turned on Roger, he kicked one in the ankle sending it to the ground. He grabbed a gun and fired a blast at the other. This took care of two, but no doubt thereíd be others. Utta couldnít do anything without his droid or guards, so Roger ran to the chair and hit the LOAD button. After about two more seconds, all the dots on the screen faded away. Roger again turned to Utta. He spoke slowly, "You just killed my son. You destroyed StarCon and youíve hurt me in many other ways. Now itís time for me to hurt you!" He picked up the other guards blaster, and aimed it at Uttaís head. "See you in Hell!" he yelled and pulled the trigger. As the blast struck Utta, the lard of his body went flying, leaving only a pile of goo. This reminded Roger of when he killed the Mebanís son, Jett. Now he understood the revenge Utta wanted for the death of his son, it made sense. Roger walked over to Uttaís chair and hit the RELEASE button that opened all of the cell doors. As the prisoners from the first floor walked out into the palace, they looked around suspiciously. But once they realized Utta was dead, they thanked Roger and left quickly. In turn, they each used the communications station to call for a ride. Most of the prisoners on the first floor had been there over a hundred years, and things were different now. They would have to find out the new things for themselves. Meanwhile, Roger sat and reflected on what had just happened. His first idea to kill Utta, the poisoned mixed drink hadnít worked. His second plan, which hadnít really been a plan but just kinda happened, did work His son had died in saving his life, and Roger had killed one of his arch-enemies. But his adventures definitely werenít over.
A few hours laterÖ
Prisoners were still emerging from the monstrously sized prison, and Roger was still in Uttaís chair, waiting for one person. Then, the man he was waiting for emerged. Greleck was overjoyed in seeing Roger. "I knew youíd do it. The others werenít strong enough, but I knew you were," he said. Roger was confused.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Greleck smiled. "You see, I told you to leave, but I knew youíd come back to seek revenge on Utta and release his prisoners. You helped me fulfill my ultimate goal." Roger was still confused and he shook his head. "It doesnít matter," Greleck said, "Youíve done a great deed, and for that you shall be rewarded."
"What kind of reward?" Roger asked.
"Beyond your imagination," he said.
"There is only one thing I want."
"Then you can have it. Your son will be brought back to life." Greleck said. First Roger smiled, but then he shook his head no. "Why not?"
"Because it isnít right. The only thing I want, is to be taken back to my own time. Please," he begged.
"You have the gun, you have the power." Roger blushed.
"Actually, I left in a restroom on the planet Magmethius. But my time pod is over in that pool of water there and I can use that." Roger pulled the pod out of the water and thanked Greleck one more time. He was going to return home, but first he would have to clear a few things up first. He zipped back to Space Quest I: The Sarien Encounter and dropped off his time pod so the other Wilco would have it. He transported up to the Aluminum Mallard and piloted it back to Magmethius of Space Quest IV. Once it was deposited on the planet where Wilco could pilot it after he returned from Space Quest XII, Roger removed the time generator and replaced the warp distributor cap. Then he took the time gun from the restroom and returned to the Space Quest VI era. He briefed the Commander on what had happened, then returned to his quarters. The next day, he would have to file a complete report to StarCon about his adventures so they could see how he had violated the time traveling laws and whatnot. So now Roger had retired to his room for a good nights sleep, and found the ComPost blinking. He hit the Y button to play the message and saw Greleckís face appear on the screen.
"Hello Roger, I hope you get this as soon as you get back. My people and I have been watching you, and after this display of courage and bravery, we think itís finally time for you to become one of us. If youíre interested, wait about a year and Iíll find you, if you arenít, then donít worry about it. I already know what your answer is." The face disappeared and Roger thought about what Greleck had said. And he, was very, VERY interested. Wow! Thatís pretty interested if it was underlined and boldfaced. AnywaysÖer I mean anyway (See, Iím learning), this is definitely notÖ
This story is ©; 1997 Dan Cerulo.
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