Breaking radio silence to bring you this important message

Posted on November 4, 2008

Election prediction: Obama wins with 311 electoral votes.

Who am I voting for? This guy:

A New Hope

 
That being said, while I support Candidate Skywalker’s energy policy of ending our country’s crippling dependence on foreign power converters from Tosche Station, his association with known smugglers like Han Solo raises significant questions about his character.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 6 Comments

Antichrist Superstar: Conversations with the Elderly

Posted on September 29, 2008

I was having lunch yesterday afternoon with my evangelical step-grandmother-in-law (you know, my wife’s grandfather’s second wife) when the discussion turned to politics.

Her: So, Jess…you study politics for a living. What do you think of our current candidates?
 
Me: Well, I’m a pretty liberal guy, so I’m inclined to vote for Barack Obama.
 
Her: Aren’t you worried that he might be the Antichrist?
 
Me: Pardon?
 
Her: The Antichrist. Aren’t you concerned that by voting for Obama, you might be voting for the Antichrist?
 
Me: Not really. I figure if he’s the Antichrist, he’s going to win no matter who I support. So, why not? Right?
 
Her: But, I mean, wouldn’t that worry you if –
 
Me: Besides, if Barack Obama really is the Antichrist, why would evangelical Christians want to stand in the way of his rise to power? After all, it’s just a necessary step in bringing about Armageddon and, thus, Christ’s eventual reign on Earth. I mean, aren’t the End Times a good thing if you’re right with God?
 
Her: Are you telling me that you’d stand up to be counted with the enemies of everything the –
 
Me: I’m just saying that until Obama admits that he’s the Antichrist, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Could you pass the rolls, please?

 
I grow more popular with the in-laws by the day.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News, Life in a Nutshell | 13 Comments

Forecast: A 30% Chance of Planet-Engulfing Black Holes

Posted on September 10, 2008

This morning’s top story at CNN.com (emphasis mine):

 
Shouldn’t someone have mentioned the whole “black hole capable of swallowing the Earth” thing — oh, I don’t know — yesterday? As it stands, I’ll barely have enough time before the Earth’s destruction to load my beloved Cocker Spaniel into a rocket and launch him into space, bound for a distant planet where he’ll use his newly-discovered superpowers to fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 15 Comments

There are many copies…and they have a plan.

Posted on August 31, 2008

Tigh McCain Roslin Palin

 
We know that Governor Palin supports offshore drilling and opposes same-sex marriage, but what’s her stance on the future of Human/Cylon relations?

via BURNLAB

Posted by Jess | Filed Under Geek, In the News, Pop Culture | 8 Comments

Want to make millions without leaving your house? Ask me how!

Posted on December 18, 2006

PenniesDue to rising metal costs, the media recently reported that the value of the metal in U.S. coins has now surpassed that of the coins themselves. The metal contained in a penny, for instance, is worth approximately 1.12 cents at market prices, according to the U.S. Mint.

With that in mind, I would like to let you in on the ground floor of a potentially lucrative investment opportunity. From what I gather on eBay, I can get ahold of a decent smelter for around a thousand bucks. From there, at a profit of 0.12 cents per penny, we’ll only need 833,334 pennies (or $8,334) to cover start-up costs. From there, as long as metal prices stay high, it’s pure profit.

With a mere 834,166,668 pennies and a little hard work, we can clear a million bucks!

At current market values, we can obtain roughly 100 pennies for one dollar. That means we’ll need approximately $8,341,666.68 in investment capital to make our first million.

This is where all of you come into play. If you’d like to share in this unique investment opportunity and buy into the future of what I’m calling “penny-ante arbitrage,” please send a check or money order to:

Apropos Enterprises
1 Apropos Way, Suite 1
Free Country, USA 55555-0001

For just (several thousand) pennies a day, you can’t lose!

What? The U.S. Mint already outlawed this?! Really? Ah, son of a crap. Never mind.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 5 Comments

An Inconvenient Photo

Posted on July 15, 2006

Is it just me or does poor Al Gore look like some kind of demonic Jeff Goldblum on the cover of this week’s EW?

Gore, Entertainment Weekly

Creepy. But go see An Inconvenient Truth anyway.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 6 Comments

Presidents need pee breaks, too

Posted on September 14, 2005

Reuters brings us what is quite possibly the best photograph ever — a shot taken earlier today of George W. Bush writing a note to Condoleeza Rice during the 2005 United Nations World Summit.

Let’s take a closer look at that note, shall we?

Priceless. Absolutely priceless. I’m glad to see that President Bush is getting a head start on writing his memoirs. I have to wonder, though, if Condi gave him permission to leave. Or does that require a hall pass from Kofi Annan?

Anyway, if it’s Photoshopped, somebody certainly fooled Reuters (see it here and here on Yahoo News). Links via Waxy.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 16 Comments

Justice Jess

Posted on July 1, 2005

I’m taking this opportunity to officially throw my hat into the ring as a potential replacement on the Supreme Court for the retiring Sandra Day O’Connor.

Why do I think I’d be a good fit for this position? Well, I’m liberal (but not in that scary Michael Moore way), I’m relatively well versed in the Constitution and the workings of the Supreme Court (if not the law, per se), and I look rather dashing in a robe (those are provided free of charge, right?).

What’s my greatest weakness? Probably that I’m too much of a perfectionist.

If anyone from the Bush administration would like to contact me about the appointment, please leave a comment on this entry and I’ll get back to you at my earliest convenience.

On a related note, with O’Connor gone, does that make make Clarence Thomas the hottest justice on the bench?

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 7 Comments

Quote of the Whenever: No Disassembly Required

Posted on June 2, 2005

“It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of — and the allegations — by people who were held in detention, people who hate America, people that had been trained in some instances to disassemble — that means not tell the truth.”

President George W. Bush, responding to
criticisms of America’s treatment of detainees
during a press conference on May 31, 2005

I’m not trying to come off like Joe Vocabulary here, Mr. President, but I think you meant dissemble. You know, sometimes I think he’s just messing with us.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 5 Comments

Legislators pass the darndest bills!

Posted on April 13, 2005

Ripped from the headlines:

• Wisconsin considers a bill that will make it legal to hunt stray cats. I assume this is for sport, since stray cats taste terrible!

• Legislators in Idaho are hard at work on a bill that would officially recognize the “vision, talent, and creativity” of the creators of Napoleon Dynamite. An honest-to-God excerpt from the bill: “…any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote ‘Nay’ on this concurrent resolution are ‘FREAKIN’ IDIOTS!’ and run the risk of having the ‘Worst Day of Their Lives!’” Seriously.

• Clever lawmakers in West Virginia slip a minor amendment into a bill clarifying the number of members that cities can appoint to boards of parks and recreation — an amendment that makes English the official language of West Virginia. Senator Billy Wayne Bailey, the mastermind behind the amendment, boasts: “I just told the members that the amendment clarifies the way in which documents are produced.” Ha! You sure taught the democratic process a lesson on that one, Senator Bailey. Take that, people who speak English as a second language! You just got punk’d!

That does it for this edition of Apropos of Something’s Kooky Legislation Round-Up. See you next time…

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 2 Comments

Quote of the Whenever: Canned Meat Edition

Posted on March 30, 2005

“I’m torn between my love for Vienna Sausages and my love for state services.”

– lobbyist Lauren Moughon, in response to a
proposed Washington state tax on canned meats

Feel free to play along at home and fill in the blanks! “I’m torn between my love for ______________ and my love for ______________.” Personally, I’m torn between my love for Doritos and my love for non-orange fingertips.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 8 Comments

Baseball players seize control of Capitol Hill

Posted on March 18, 2005

Reports from Washington, DC, indicate that a group of major league baseball players led by slugger Mark McGwire seized control of Capitol Hill on Friday morning, taking several members of Congress hostage for currently undisclosed reasons.

The small cadre of superstars — including McGwire, Curt Schilling, and Rafael Palmeiro — were on Capitol Hill to testify before a Congressional committee investigating allegations of steroid abuse in professional baseball.

Police currently have the Capitol surrounded, and are considering options to rescue the trapped members of Congress while minimizing casualties. “It’s not an easy decision,” says Police Chief Lloyd Anderson. “Those guys in there are monsters. If this morning’s events have taught us anything, it’s that one could snap at any moment.”

Witnesses say that Friday’s hearings started off normally enough before quickly descending into violence.

“We were in the middle of the hearings when Sammy Sosa just jumped up out of his seat and started wailing on Chairman Davis (R-Virginia),” said Annie Woofter, one of a handful of support staff workers who escaped the fracas unharmed. “Before long, [the baseball players] had overrun the entire Capitol building. One of them threw Liddy Dole (R-North Carolina) halfway across the Senate chamber. I don’t know if it was ’roid rage or what, but it was absolutely crazy. I’m lucky that I got out alive.”

Some studies have suggested that performance-enhancing steroids not only increase muscle mass, but also produce heightened levels of aggression in abusers.

Witnesses say that former Oakland Athletics star Jose Canseco bowed out of the assault early after he strained a ligament in his arm while beating Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) senseless with a baseball bat. Canseco has been placed on injured reserve pending an MRI later this afternoon.

The players have yet to disclose any demands, although McGwire briefly emerged from the Capitol at 11:05AM EST to proclaim, “Come, son of Bush. Kneel before McGwire!”

Added Schilling, “Me am king of Congress now! Grr!”

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 3 Comments

Hold the crunch berries

Posted on February 15, 2005

Do you miss being back in college and surviving on nothing but Cap’n Crunch for three meals a day? If so, have I got the restaurant for you! Via WebMD:

A restaurant that serves nothing but cereal? It may sound like a scheme from a Seinfeld episode, but the concept is now a reality — a cereality, that is. Diners at the Cereality Cereal Bar and Cafe in Philadelphia can feast on their favorite flakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. As if ordering a sundae at an ice cream parlor, patrons choose from more than 30 brand-name cereals and a multitude of tempting toppings, including fruit, nuts, cookies, and candy. Pajama-clad “cereologists” prepare the custom blends in a homey kitchen setting.

If they’re serving Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I’m so totally there.

Hat-tip to my wife, who actually reads WebMD on a regular basis — unlike her husband, who’s more likely to be found pouring over page-six celebrity gossip in the online edition of the New York Post.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 3 Comments

His love is real, but he is not

Posted on February 5, 2005

Aware of my concerns about the increasing likelihood of a robot-dominated dystopic future, Richard alerted me to this recent article from the Guardian:

Kim Jong-Hwan, the director of the ITRC-Intelligent Robot Research Centre, has developed a series of artificial chromosomes that, he says, will allow robots to feel lusty, and could eventually lead to them reproducing. He says the software, which will be installed in a robot within the next three months, will give the machines the ability to feel, reason and desire.

Kim said: “Robots will have their own personalities and emotion and — as films like I, Robot warn — that could be very dangerous for humanity. If we can provide a robot with good — soft — chromosomes, they may not be such a threat.”

Although he admits his ideas sound fantastic, Kim is no crank. In the mid-1990s, the professor launched the robot football world cup, which has since become one of the most popular means for robotics researchers to measure their progress against competitors from around the world.

Emotional robots capable of reproducing? Why don’t we just teach them ninjitsu while we’re at it? Oh, and only in Britain would the fact that a professor launched the robot football world cup be considered incontrovertible evidence that he’s not a nutcase.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 1 Comment

Take one down, pass it around

Posted on January 28, 2005

Are you tired of severe winter weather? It could be worse. You could be trapped under an avalanche and forced to urinate your way to freedom. From Ananova:

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: “I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I’m glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there.”

Beer…is there any problem it can’t solve?

Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News | 8 Comments

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