Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs

Posted on June 25, 2008

Hold on a second…did I just watch a 90-minute cartoon about tentacle rape?

Without treading too far into spoiler territory, that’s the central plot of Futurama’s latest straight-to-DVD feature, The Beast with a Billion Backs. An anomaly opens up in space, allowing a giant tentacle monster from another universe (voiced by David Cross) to get freaky with everyone in our universe.

As you might imagine, the humor is slightly raunchier than the average Futurama outing — which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unfortunately, The Beast with a Billion Backs gets off to a rather slow start, while Bender is stuck in a B-story about a shadowy League of Robots that doesn’t really go anywhere for most of the film. Overall, the movie felt like a slight step down from Bender’s Big Score in terms of quality. Nevertheless, The Beast with a Billion Backs certainly offers its share of laughs. I was particularly delighted to see newly-promoted Rear Brigadier Zapp Brannigan in a supporting role, bravely defending our universe from the encroaching tentacle threat. As for the animation and voice acting, they’re as good as ever .

The DVD release — awesomely packaged with kitschy retro sci-fi art and blurbs inviting the viewer to “See! A monster of questionable morality!” — also includes what’s being billed as Futurama: The Lost Adventure. Basically, the “lost” episode consists of the 3D-animated cutscenes from 2003’s Futurama video game, strung together into a surprisingly cohesive story about an attempt by Mom (evil CEO of Mom’s Friendly Robot Company) to take over the universe. All the familiar voice actors are on board, and it makes for a fun new addition to the Futurama universe –at least for those of us who don’t own an Xbox.

To sum up, I wanted more from The Beast with a Billion Backs, but slightly disappointing Futurama is better than no Futurama at all. I’d certainly recommend the DVD to any Futurama fans out there, but I suspect most either already own it or are in the process of securing a copy.

The verdict: B-

Three reasons to love ‘LEGO Indiana Jones’

Posted on June 9, 2008

1. It’s Indiana Jones.

2. It’s LEGO.

3. Any video game where Temple of Doom’s Willie has the “special ability” to scream so shrilly that she literally shatters glass (making otherwise inaccessible items and areas available to the player) is tops in my book.

Quinto confirmed as Spock

Posted on July 27, 2007

It’s official: Zachary Quinto, best known for his role as the villainous Sylar on Heroes, has been cast as Mr. Spock in J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek reboot. I’m definitely cool with that. Internet rumors suggested early on that Adrian Brody might play the half-Vulcan science officer, but I think Quinto is a far better fit.

There’s no announcement yet on who will play Kirk, and Matt Damon has dismissed his attachment to the project as mere Internet speculation. I’m so attached to William Shatner in the role, I can’t think of a proper replacement. For whatever reason, my gut instinct is Christian Bale, but having him play both Batman and Captain Kirk would be too much of a nerdgasm even for me.

Who would you choose to play Kirk? How about Bones, Scotty, and the rest?

The Ten Worst Superhero Movies of All Time

Posted on May 4, 2007

Following up on my earlier countdown of top ten superhero films of all time, here are my picks for the worst of the worst. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to let me know in the comments section.

10. Superman III

This is the one with Richard Pryor, for those keeping score at home. There’s nothing quite like watching Supes play second banana to Pryor’s character, a computer savant who creates unstable synthetic Kryptonite by substituting tar for an unknown component in its mineral composition. That being said, this stinker is somewhat redeemed by the Evil Superman versus Clark Kent fight and the fact that the film’s “steal the fractions of cents left over after financial transactions” idea reappears as a subplot in Office Space.

9. Hulk

How do you screw up a Hulk movie? Apparently, you hire Ang Lee to direct it, cast Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, and make it as boring as possible. The only good things to come out of this snoozer were those foam “Hulk Hands” toys that were everywhere back in ‘03.

8. Captain America

A low-budget film from 1991, Captain America is just plain silly — right down to the rubber ears they glued to the side of Cap’s mask to create the illusion that his actual ears were sticking through. Stranger still is the fact that Cap’s archenemy, the Red Skull, is Italian instead of German. The Red Skull as a character essentially boils down to two defining traits: 1) he has a head that resembles a red skull and 2) he’s a frickin’ Nazi! Why make the guy Italian?

7. Steel

Shaquille O’Neal as Steel, a member of Superman’s supporting cast in the comics. Of course, the only connection between this film and Superman is the S-shield tattoo on Shaq’s arm. Honestly, Shaq is so bad here that he makes Michael Jordan’s performance in Space Jam look Oscar-worthy by comparison.

6. The Fantastic Four (1994)

The Fantastic Four movie released in 2005 wasn’t perfect, but it was leaps and bounds better than the version Roger Corman produced over a decade earlier. In fact, the 1994 version was never intended for release; it was made entirely so the studio could retain legal rights to the characters. Of course, The Fantastic Four eventually turned up at comic book conventions and on eBay, giving the world a peek at a literal joke of a superhero movie. Just check out the trailer if you don’t believe me. The special effects are a particular highlight, including a Human Torch that only “flames on” once in the entire movie and a Mr. Fantastic who stretches by means of a fake hand on a stick. Classy.

5. Batman & Robin

I suppose now is the time to insert the obligatory “nipples on the Batsuit” reference. Where should I begin with this one? Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl? Arnold Schwarzenegger’s awful ice puns? Gotham City’s Day-Glo street gangs? That scene where Batman produces a Bat Credit Card from his utility belt (expiration date: “Forever”)? The codpieces? Actually, what bugs me most about Batman & Robin is a scene early in the film in which Robin is being pulled underwater by Poison Ivy’s plants. At one point, he surfaces for air before being pulled back under. What makes the scene ridiculous, however, is that Joel Schumacher just reuses the same shot of Robin coming up for air in reverse to show him being dragged underwater again. That’s just plain lazy, Joel. As bad as Batman & Robin is, however, it’s somehow still not the worst movie in the Batman franchise.

4. Elektra

Enough to make viewers long for the deep characterization and intricate storytelling of Daredevil. It’s like a bad episode of Alias, only Sydney gets to say “shit” at one point. Yay, PG-13!

3. Batman Returns

I know a lot of people love this film, but I’d rather sit through a dozen viewings of Batman & Robin than watch fifteen minutes of Batman Returns. Like Tim Burton’s first Batman film, Batman Returns is all doom and gloom, starring a Caped Crusader who doesn’t mind taking criminals’ lives. Meanwhile, the Penguin is no longer a high-society criminal, but rather a disgusting sewer mutant who, at one point, straps rockets onto the backs of penguins to bomb Gotham City. Worse still, the interplay between Batman and Catwoman is supposed to be sexy, but it instead comes off stilted and awkward in large part because: 1) Michelle Pfeiffer can’t act, and 2) Michael Keaton can barely move in the Batsuit. Not even Christopher Walken could save this one from Burton’s bizarre vision of the Batman mythos.

2. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

My favorite part of Superman IV is when Superman uses his heretofore unseen “Rebuilding the Great Wall of China Vision” after a portion of the monument is destroyed by Nuclear Man (groan). Low-budget and lame, I wondered what went wrong with this film even as a ten-year-old.

1. Catwoman

Film exec: “Hey, remember how Halle Berry almost ruined the X-Men movies with her awful performance as Storm? Well, how does this idea sound? We’ll cast her as Catwoman! Only it won’t be the Catwoman from the comic books or Batman Returns. It won’t even be set in Gotham City! This is an all-new Catwoman, a heroine with feline superpowers! Oh, and remember that shiny black costume Michelle Pfeiffer wore as Catwoman? We’ll replace it with something far skimpier, but decidedly less sexy. The audience will eat it up with a spoon!” Someone should revoke Halle Berry’s Oscar for this debacle.

 
That’s it for Apropos of Something’s countdown of the ten worst superhero movies of all time! As always, I look forward to hearing your feedback in the comments — especially if someone wants to mount a vigorous defense of Catwoman.

The Ten Best Superhero Movies of All Time

Posted on May 2, 2007

To celebrate the premiere of Spider-Man 3 this Friday, I thought I’d count down the top ten superhero movies of all time. Enjoy — and feel free to disagree in the comments section.

10. Blade

Vampires, sword fights, kung fu, more vampires — Blade is an excellent example of how to make a fun popcorn movie out of a relatively obscure, second-string character. A far better film than one might expect, Blade laid the groundwork for the superhero movie revival that began in the early 2000s.

9. Batman (1966)

Say what you will about the Batman series of the 1960s, but I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Adam West’s campy portrayal of the Not-So-Dark Knight. This movie was released to theaters between the series’ first and second seasons, and features the Joker, the Penguin, Catwoman, and the Riddler teaming up to defeat the Dynamic Duo once and for all. This film also marked the debut of the handiest tool in Batman’s utility belt: the Bat Shark Repellent Spray.

8. Superman II

Why Superman II and not the original Superman? In my mind, there’s one thing that separates this 1980 sequel from the first installment in the series: the inclusion actual supervillains for Big Blue to fight. The Phantom Zone criminals give Supes a run for his money, making this the most enjoyable film in the series. Kneel before Zod!

7. X-Men

The whole “Magneto builds a machine to transform world leaders into mutants” storyline was a little corny, but the casting and characterization is so spot-on that it more than makes up for it. Ian McKellen and Hugh Jackman are especially well suited to their respective roles as Magneto and Wolverine. If only they had cast someone — anyone — other than Halle Berry as Storm.

6. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

A film spun off from Batman: The Animated Series in 1993, Mask of the Phantasm far exceeds the Burton-era Batman films in terms of story quality and characterization. Worth checking out for Mark Hamill’s portrayal of the Joker alone.

5. X2: X-Men United

An improvement over the first X-Men film in almost every way. The story is far more engaging this time around — the X-Men and Magneto join forces to stop Col. William Stryker from decimating the mutant population — and the addition of Alan Cumming as Nightcrawler is a fanboy’s dream come true.

4. Spider-Man

Sam Raimi understands that what makes Spider-Man such a classic character isn’t the suit or the powers, but rather the kid under the mask. Peter Parker is a typical teenager who finds himself gifted with strange powers following a freak lab accident. When Peter’s inaction leads indirectly to his Uncle Ben’s death, he realizes that with great power comes great responsibility and dedicates himself to fighting crime as Spider-Man. What more could you ask for in a superhero origin? Throw in an inspired casting choice in the person of Tobey Maguire, and you have all the components of an outstanding superhero film.

3. The Incredibles

It’s almost a shame that Pixar managed to produce the perfect Fantastic Four movie before Marvel even had a chance.

2. Batman Begins

Dark, but not in that goofy “Tim Burton” way. Batman Begins strips the Batman mythos down to the brass tacks, while Christian Bale offers the most compelling live-action incarnation of the Dark Knight ever to grace the screen. Round out the cast with strong performances from Michael Caine as Alfred, Gary Oldman as Commissioner Gordon, and Liam Neeson as the villainous Ra’s al Ghul, and Batman Begins truly raises the bar for superhero movies.

1. Spider-Man 2

With the first film’s origin story out of the way, Spider-Man 2 jumps straight to the superheroics. Doctor Octopus is a far more interesting villain for Spidey’s second outing, and Peter’s struggle with bearing the mantle of Spider-Man evokes some of the finest moments from the comic book source material. The end result is what I consider the best superhero movie ever made.

Be sure to tune in Friday when I continue the celebration by counting down the ten worst superhero films of all time!

Mousetrap

Posted on April 25, 2007

I’m a little obsessive compulsive at times, and for whatever reason, it really flares up whenever I’m shopping for a new computer mouse. I just get totally fixated on finding the perfect mouse. Unfortunately, I have a cripplingly narrow definition of what qualifies as “perfect.”

First, it has to be corded. I don’t trust cordless mice; it just seems wrong somehow. Second, it has to have a clicky scroll wheel. Smooth scroll wheels drive me nuts. Third, the mouse can’t have any extraneous buttons. I don’t want to become reliant on some wacky feature that only my mouse has and then find myself frustrated every time I have to use a “normal” mouse without that special button. Fourth, I really prefer Microsoft and Logitech mice. I’ve had bad luck with every other company I’ve tried. Fifth, it can’t be too big. I have tiny hands (like a carny). Finally, it has to be cheap. I’m not paying more than $39.99 for a mouse. Ever.

In the words of Bill Cosby, I told you that story so I could tell you this one. My trusty mouse bought the farm yesterday. The left button jammed, and my best efforts to repair it — using the little built-in file on a pair of toenail clippers — failed. As usual, I immediately transformed into Obsessive Compulsive Jess and began the Great Mouse Hunt of 2007. My three hours (!) of shopping included stops at:

      1. Wal-Mart
      2. Target
      3. Circuit City
      4. Best Buy
      5. OfficeMax
      6. Office Depot
      7. Target (again)

At each store, I spent ten or fifteen minutes fondling their display mice, trying to find that perfect mouse. When my trek around town finally ended, I still didn’t have a mouse. In fact, I more or less gave up on finding one. Maybe I’d just wait a few months until new new models hit the shelves. In the meantime, I could practice my Windows keyboard shortcuts.

After ruminating on a mouseless future for a few hours, however, I decided to give it one more try. I went back to Best Buy and bought the opposite of my ideal mouse — a big, cordless Kensington mouse with all kinds of extra buttons. I figured it would be cathartic and maybe help me let go of this mouse obsession. So far, I’m pleased with the outcome. Of course, I cheated a little and still went for a clicky scroll wheel. There are some principles you just can’t compromise.

Oops! I almost forgot to blame my broken mouse for the dearth of new content here at Apropos of Something over the past two weeks. Yeah, broken mouse…that’s the ticket.

UPDATE: The “cathartic” mouse lasted less than 24 hours. My anal retentiveness, however, wasn’t the culprit. It seems the mouse tended to recognize right clicks as left clicks and vice versa. So, I exchanged it this afternoon for a Microsoft wireless mouse…which doesn’t work either. With the wireless receiver literally less than a foot from the mouse, it barely registers. So, now it’s back to Best Buy to make my second mouse exchange of the day. It’s a good thing I really have nothing better to do with my time.

UPDATE #2: I finally settled on a Logitech LX7 cordless mouse. I’m pleased with the performance, and all is right with the world. The Great Mouse Hunt of 2007 is at an end!

World of Warcraft: One Year Clean and Sober

Posted on April 13, 2007

Hello. My name is Jess, and I’m a recovering WoWoholic.

(”Hi, Jess!”)

Today marks the one year anniversary since I last played World of Warcraft, and it feels good to be clean. It didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time, but hindsight being what it is, I now realize that I had a serious addiction to the game. Before we went cold turkey, my wife and I were spending virtually all our free time adventuring in Azeroth. Oh, I never kept close track of the time we spent playing WoW each week, but I’m sure it approached thirty hours or more during particularly “busy” weeks.

It was a hardcore addiction. When I wasn’t playing Warcraft, I was thinking about Warcraft. My wife and I were both officers in our guild; we were in charge of scheduling the group’s nightly dungeon raids. Most of the people we considered friends were people with whom we played regularly in WoW. On one occasion, we even met up with our guildmates in real life for a cookout. Of course, we spent most of the cookout talking about Warcraft.

So, yeah — World of Warcraft pretty much consumed my life for the better part of a year. It’s probably not a coincidence that I also stopped blogging during that year. Who has time to blog when you could be standing around Ironforge trying to sell a nifty glowing sword you looted from a dragon the night before?

I’m not sure how it happened, but a year ago today, my wife and I just decided we weren’t going to play anymore. We still enjoyed the game, but something deep inside said that it was time to leave it behind. So, we said goodbye to our friends, logged off from World of Warcraft, and never logged on again. Still, there are lingering reminders of that year we spent in Azeroth:

Here’s to one year of World of Warcraft sobriety! Huzzah!

I’m so geeky that…

Posted on February 9, 2007

…I staked out my local Wal-Mart on August 24, 1995, for the midnight release of Windows 95. What can I say? I was really excited about an integrated TCP/IP protocol at the time.

Feel free to play along in the comments. “I’m so geeky that…”

Hunka hunka frozen Gungan

Posted on February 2, 2007

I can’t decide which is more awesome: Stormtrooper Elvis or Jar Jar Binks frozen in carbonite. Sure, the Jar Jar model probably required hours and hours to construct, but he’s Stormtrooper Elvis!

What, no slave girl Leia?

Posted on November 28, 2006

Counting down the twenty sexiest women in sci-fi. In my defense, only seven currently hold restraining orders against me.

I’ll get you someday, Soda Popinski!

Posted on October 24, 2006

You know what’s depressing? After almost two decades of practice, I’m no better at video games today than I was as a ten-year-old.

When I was ten, one of my favorite Nintendo games was Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! I was never particularly good at the game. Success required good timing and the ability to discern your opponents’ patterns of attack — neither of which was my strong suit as a kid. No matter how many times I tried, I could never beat Soda Popinski (pictured right with his bubble-gum pink skin). After much frustration, I gave up and moved on to other NES games. But Soda Popinski still haunted me.

A couple of days ago, I decided I would take another crack at Punch-Out — just for old times’ sake. I was amazed at how quickly it all came back to me after almost twenty years. I worked my way up through the ranks until I finally reached my old archnemesis, Soda Popinski. BAM! He knocked me out in the first round. I tried again. And again. No luck. I still can’t beat Soda Popinski.

I’ve logged well over a thousand hours playing video games since I last faced Soda Popinski, and I still can’t beat him?!? And it’s not that I’m rusty; I zipped through the first eight or nine Punch-Out opponents in record time. I just can’t beat Soda Popinksi. With all that practice through the years, am I really not any better at video games than when I was a kid? What have I done with my life?

Hell, I’ve been trying to beat Soda Popinski for so long that the country he represents (the USSR) doesn’t even exist anymore.

I tried explaining the dilemma to my wife, and this is what she came up with: “Honey, why don’t you just play Galaga instead? You’re good at that, and it always makes you happy.”

Man, sometimes she just doesn’t get it.

Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-Start

Posted on October 2, 2006

Play nearly 300 classic NES games from your web browser! Better get your Mario fix before the cease and desist arrives.

Bad science + bad fiction = bad science fiction

Posted on September 27, 2006

Tired Science Fiction Tropes That Must Be Retired: Part 1 & Part 2.

Note to self…

Posted on September 21, 2006

Holding the plastic toy guitar below your waist and playing it punk-rocker style doesn’t make you look cool. You’re still a grown-ass man playing the Guitar Hero demo at Best Buy. Live with it.

Summon the finest bakers in the Mushroom Kingdom!

Posted on September 18, 2006

A gorgeous Super Mario Brothers wedding cake. If I ever get married again, I’m totally having a Kid Icarus cake. (via)

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