Posted on February 29, 2008
Welcome to Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.
Desmond has always been among my favorite Lost-vivors, so it’s no surprise that I really dug “The Constant.” The time travel element was unexpected (I’m striving to avoid reading spoilers this season), and I’m a total sucker for Penny and Desmond’s relationship. Yeah, yeah…I was getting all misty-eyed when they were declaring their love for each other. Go ahead, laugh it up. So what if I’m emotionally over-invested in Lost? That’s my job as the Keeper of Lost-vivor, right?
Right.
Aside from all the mushy romantic stuff, Daniel Faraday is quickly ascending the list of my favorite Lost characters. I’ve mentioned how much I enjoy Jeremy Davies’ performance before, but I also love that we finally have a character around who has some clue about what’s going on with the Mysterious Island (even if his memory is a little spotty). If next week’s promo is any indication, Daniel and company are going to continue to figure prominently in future episodes. So, what do you think, Lost-vivor Nation? Is it time to officially add the Freighter Folk to the rankings?
Oh, and did anyone else wonder if the “side effects” Desmond experienced in tonight’s episode might be the same “sickness” that Rousseau and others have associated with the Island? Hmm…
With five episodes down, I’m very pleased with Lost’s fourth season. As far as I’m concerned, the series has finally regained its momentum and sense of purpose. In fact, I don’t think I’ve looked forward to new episodes with such anticipation since the bygone days of the Hatch. Yes, I was one of those fans who totally adored the whole “push the button/don’t push the button” phase. Anyway, from what I’m reading on the Lost-osphere, this is how the rest of the season is shaping up:
- Episode 6: March 6 (”The Other Woman”)
- Episode 7: March 13 (”Ji Yeon”)
- Episode 8: March 20
- Episode 9: April 24
- Episode 10: May 1
- Episode 11: May 8
- Episode 12: May 15
- Episode 13: May 22 (season finale)
As I said last week, I’m glad that ABC extended Lost’s season by a few episodes now that the writers strike has ended. Where’s the fun in awarding the Lost-vivor championship after just eight episodes? Thirteen episodes, on the other hand — that’s a warrior’s number. Now, let’s start tallying up some points…
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Desmond:
“Apparently, my consciousness is jumping through time again, brotha”: +4
“Only this time, it’s leaving me with swiss-cheesed memory, brotha — just like that show Quantum Leap: -1
Chewed out by his drill sergeant. They act like that in the Scottish military, too?: -1
Stuck doing push-ups and crunches in the rain. Reminded me of that movie Biloxi Blues where Ferris Bueller joins the army: -1
You know, as Desmond’s beard gets bushier, he’s starting to look a little like Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees: +1
Penny didn’t want to see him in the past. Poor Des: -2
Remembered the settings Future Daniel gave him, convinced Past Daniel that he really was from the future: +2
1996? That guess wasn’t even close: -1
Started blacking out randomly: -2
Suffered the Nosebleed of Certain Death (a time-honored television and film staple). You’re gonna die, brotha: -3
Found Penny’s father. I’m not entirely sure how, but he found him: +1
Tracked down Penny, convinced her to give him her phone number: +2
Remembered Penny’s phone number in the future: +2
Contacted Present Penny. Or, is she Future Penny? Either way, she still loves him: +5
And got his memory back: +3
And he’s Daniel’s constant. For whatever that’s worth: +1
Net gain/loss: +10
Current score: 113 |
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Charlotte:
Called Jack “doctor.” It’s about time somebody started showing some respect around here: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: NA |
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Daniel:
Spilled the beans about the Island’s time discrepancy: +2
Arranged a rendezvous with Desmond in the past: +2
Thought ahead — or is it behind? — and provided Desmond with a code phrase for his time traveling adventures: +1
Demonstrated every “absent-minded professor” cliché imaginable. As a professor, I’m personally offended: -1
Holy frijoles! Daniel invented rodent-based time travel: +19
Uh…Des is right. You might want to get some protection for your head if you’re going to insist on playing with radiation. Might I suggest a tinfoil hat?: -6
Roughed up by Des in the past, got his chalkboard knocked over: -1
Net gain/loss: +16
Current score: NA |
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Eloise:
Consciousness traveled through time, successfully completed maze: +17
Brain short-circuited, died: -117
Net gain/loss: -100
Current score: NA |
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Sayid:
Quizzed Frank on the night/day time discrepancy: +2
Gave up his gun in exchange for the satellite phone. I dunno…it’s going to be harder to kill people with a phone: -3
Roughed up the ship’s doctor: +2
“Can you fix the comm system, brotha?” “I’ll need a minute.” How awesome is Sayid?: +2
Fixed it. Of course. Oh, and saved Desmond’s life in the process (without even knowing it): +3
Net gain/loss: +6
Current score: 127 |
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Jack:
Knows how to put the satellite phone on speaker mode. Hey, that’s something, right?: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 107 |
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Frank:
Flew back to the freighter with only one casualty — Desmond’s sanity: +3
Talked Sayid into giving up his gun. That’s no easy feat: +2
Took Sayid to sickbay: +1
Net gain/loss: +6
Current score: NA |
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Not too many characters to score this week, but here are your updated standings:
- Sayid (127) (+6)
- Locke (126)
- Sawyer (119)
- Ben (116)
- Desmond (113) (+10)
- Hurley (112)
- Juliet (108)
- Jack (107) (+1)
- Vincent (105)
- Bernard (101)
- Jin (101)
- Sun (101)
- Kate (99)
- Claire (96)
- Rose (97)
With episode five in the books, Sayid reclaims the lead from Locke. Meanwhile, Desmond — last season’s fan favorite — finally started racking up a few points. Tune in next week to see if he can continue to build on that momentum. As always, thanks for reading Lost-vivor, and I’ll see you next time!
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Posted on February 26, 2008
…or there was a camel parked in front of my office building as I left work half an hour ago. Seriously, it was just hitched to a tree. Nobody around to supervise it, no “Beware of Camel” sign. It was just there — a camel in all its dromedarian glory.
As a paranoid academic, I can only wonder…is the university providing some other professor with a camel as part of his or her contract? If so, I’m totally renegotiating for at least a burro when I go up for tenure. Or maybe an alpaca.
Posted on February 25, 2008
From today’s lecture: “Little known fact here, but the 1984 film Ghostbusters was actually inspired by Britain’s post-World War II welfare policies. True story — it’s all in the DVD commentary.”
Posted on February 22, 2008
Welcome to Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.
ADDITIONAL WARNING: Tonight’s installment of Lost-vivor was written under the influence of alcohol. Please excuse any grammatical, computational, and/or comedic errors.
“Eggtown” wasn’t the most riveting Lost episode in recent memory, but the show continues to boast a level of consistency that it lacked throughout much of Season 3. I’ve never been a fan of Kate-centric episodes, and courtroom dramas put me to sleep. That being said, the developments on the island were quite intriguing. I love that Locke is trying his damnedest to establish himself as the “new Ben” of Otherville. Of course, since he’s still easily-fooled, quick-to-anger John Locke, he’s not doing a terribly good job of it.
Meanwhile, anyone care to venture a guess about what was going on with Charlotte and Daniel’s card-guessing routine? Was it some kind of memory-loss thing or a psychic thing? Or was it incredibly obvious, and I just missed out on a piece of crucial dialogue?
I saw the “Aaron is Kate’s son” thing coming a mile away, and I suspect many other viewers did as well. It reminded me a bit of the “shocking” “revelations” that Claire was Jack’s half-sister and Locke’s dad was the original Sawyer. Does Aaron count as one of the Oceanic Six? Does Claire die, or does she stay on the island and let Aaron leave with Kate? I found Jack’s cover story for the crash quite interesting. Only eight people survived the crash, eh? Have I mentioned how much I love the whole flash forward concept overall? It really seems to have breathed new life into the show.
Speaking of new life, I was just reading earlier today that ABC has officially extended Lost’s season from eight episodes to thirteen. Not only am I thankful for the additional episodes, but I’m glad I won’t be crowning a Lost-vivor after a measly eight weeks. Sayid had to endure twenty-plus weeks of competition to win last season. This season’s winner (also likely to be Sayid) already has it way too easy.
Okay, I’m babbling. Let’s assign some points!
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Kate:
Apparently, Kate is this week’s guest star on Law and Order: Mysterious Island Unit: -4
On the bright side, she has one of the most recognizable face in America: +2
Totally “Scooby Dooed” Hurley. Whatever the hell that means: +2
Kate has a son? Hmm…as a rule, I oppose the continued reproduction of the hew-mon species, but I’ll make an exception in this case: +2
Busted Miles out of the boathouse: +3
Banished from Lockeville: -4
Scored a little make-out time with Sawyer anyway: +3
Jack lied under oath to defend her. Aww…that’s sweet: +2
Interrupted Jack’s testimony. Gee, Kate, are you sure that you’re clear on how this whole “defendant” thing is supposed to work?: -1
Jumped on that deal for ten years probation when the prosecutor was willing to keep bargaining. Reminds me of that episode of Seinfeld where Kramer happily accepts the settlement for a lifetime supply of free coffee before Java World has a chance to mention the monetary component: -3
Turns out Jack was lying under oath when he said he didn’t love her. Nothing says “be mine” like perjury : +2
Kate named her baby after Claire’s baby? That’s unoriginal: -3
Oh, wait…she stole Claire’s baby! That’s a little more respectable: +4
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: 99 |
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Hurley:
Fell for the old “Locke told me to bring Miles his dinner” trick: -2
Wait a minute…wasn’t Hurley the mastermind who managed to con the near-omniscient Sayid last week? Now Kate is running circles around him? I’m deducting an extra point for good measure: -1
Net gain/loss: -3
Current score: 112 |
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Daniel:
I’m not sure, but I think Charlotte just hustled him at three-card Monte: -1
Net gain/loss: -1
Current score: NA |
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Locke:
Woke up in a hospital bed. Thankfully, his remaining kidney still seems to be intact: +1
Prepared Ben a nutritious breakfast, including sliced DHARMA-lope, the official melon of Lost-vivor: +1
Threw a hissy fit, tossed Ben’s breakfast, stomped around Otherville, slammed doors, and generally made a scene: -2
“I just killed a chicken.” Ooo-kay, John. I think it’s time we talked about changing up your meds a little. Nevertheless, vaguely bad-ass: +1
It seems Locke is setting himself up as El Presidente of Otherville. Better him than Claire, I suppose. When Locke says “dinner at six,” you damn well better believe he means it: +2
Barged in on Kate and Claire without knocking. Manners, John. Manners: -1
Stuffed a live grenade in Miles’ mouth. Hardcore. Seriously, that’s like a 9.3 on the Jack Bauer Scale of Violent Awesomeness: +6
Net gain/loss: +8
Current score: 126 |
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Miles:
Locked up in the boathouse: -2
Brokered deal with Kate to bust him out: +3
Yikes…$3.2 million. Dude drives a hard bargain: +2
Recaptured by Locke, downgraded to hanging from ceiling of boathouse by a chain: -3
Introduced to the unique flavor of live handgrenade: -8
Net gain/loss: -8
Current score: NA |
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Sawyer:
Found some clothes belonging to a deceased Other that just happen to be Kate’s size. I guess that almost counts as sweet. In a Sawyer kind of way: +1
Kate isn’t moving in with him. Are you kidding? Sawyer, Kate, and Hurley sharing a cabin is the best set-up for a sitcom since Hugo and the Ghost Hobbit: -2
Rocked the reading glasses. That’s old school Sawyer, yo: +1
Broke out the boxed DHARMA wine. That Sawyer is one smooth operator: +1
Saw through Kate’s attempts at manipulative island seduction: +3
But agreed to help her bust Miles out anyway: -1
Played on Locke’s love of backgammon. Remember when Sawyer — not Kate — was the island’s resident conman? I miss those days: +2
Bestowed nickname on Miles (”Bruce Lee from the Freighter”): +1
Bestowed nickname on Hurley (”Montezuma”): +1
Got hot and heavy with Kate. I hear the only thing better than make-up sex is pre-banishment sex: +4
Oh, wait…make that pre-banishment cuddling: -2
Called Kate on the “wait ’til you get pissed at Jack and bounce right back to me” thing: +2
Slapped by Kate for bringing up the aforementioned “bounce right back to me” thing: -1
Net gain/loss: +10
Current score: 119 |
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Claire:
Apparently, Claire has been put in charge of making the coffee, doing the laundry, and taking care of the baby. I’m surprised Locke didn’t make her take off her shoes and cook everyone dinner while she was at it: -2
Hmm…Aaron is off with Kate in the future? Somehow, I can’t imagine that bodes well for Claire: -2
Net gain/loss: -4
Current score: 96 |
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Ben:
Downgraded from rec room to basement: -1
But it seems the basement suite comes with a complimentary breakfast: +2
Mentioned Locke’s inability to find Jacob’s cabin, provoked John by saying he was “more lost than you ever were.” I see what you did there: +1
Complimentary breakfast offer rescinded: -2
May or may not be worth $3.2 million: +5
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: 116 |
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Juliet:
Convinced Charlotte to call the freighter’s emergency number. Is it just me, or has Juliet’s role been significantly downgraded this season?: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 108 |
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Sun:
Actually had dialogue this week. Congratulations! Welcome to Lost-vivor: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 101 |
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Jin:
Hey, look! That guy who barely speaks English and hangs out with Sun all the time is back, too: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 101 |
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Jack:
Surprise witness!: +2
Lied under oath to help Kate. Oh, Jack will gladly lie for Kate in court, but he wouldn’t even bend the truth for his own father in some silly malpractice suit a couple of seasons ago? For shame: -1
What does Jack have against Aaron? Isn’t he Jack’s half-nephew? Is there even such a thing as a half-nephew?: -1
Net gain/loss: 0
Current score: 106 |
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With episode four in the books, here are the current Lost-vivor standings:
- Locke (126) (+8)
- Sayid (121)
- Sawyer (119) (+10)
- Ben (116) (+5)
- Hurley (112) (-3)
- Juliet (108) (+1)
- Jack (106)
- Vincent (105)
- Desmond (103)
- Bernard (101)
- Jin (101) (+1)
- Sun (101) (+1)
- Kate (99) (+5)
- Claire (96) (-4)
- Rose (97)
It figures that they’d have to take Sayid off the show for a week for someone else — in this case, Locke — to seize the number one spot. That being said, there’s a tight race forming near the top between Sayid, Locke, Sawyer, and Ben. At this point, I think it’s anybody’s game. So, that’s it for this week’s Lost-vivor. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time!
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Posted on February 19, 2008
Okay, not really. Besides, Tyra-vivor is a much catchier name.
Posted on February 14, 2008
Welcome to Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.
After Lost kicked off the season with a couple of wild episodes, “The Economist” slowed down the storytelling pace a bit. That being said, the episode nevertheless offered some interesting revelations. Sayid as Ben’s post-rescue hired gun? I certainly didn’t see that coming. I bet Jin would be so proud to see Sayid following in his career footsteps. You remember Jin, right? He was that guy that used to occasionally appear on screen and deliver dialogue in earlier seasons of Lost. I think he had a girlfriend or sister or something on the island with him.
What really intrigues me, though, are the results of Daniel’s little experiment suggesting that the island exists thirty-one minutes behind the “real” world. I guess that explains why nobody can find the place; it’s like a tropical Brigadoon! I have no idea where they’re going with this, but my curiosity is piqued.
Aside from that, I don’t have much more to say about “The Economist.” Overall, I thought it was a solid episode — nothing earth-shattering, but we did get a few decent “WTF?!” moments. So, let’s take a look at the scores…
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Sayid:
Sayid’s a golfer?: +1
And he’s one of the Oceanic Six! That’s surprising; I had always just assumed Sayid’s death was right around the corner dating back as far as the first season: +5
Murdered that dude on the golf course. That’ll teach him to stick his nose where it doesn’t belong. Specifically, in Sayid’s middle game: -3
Would it be awkward if I took this opportunity to point out what a handsome guy Sayid is? Yeah, I thought so: +1
Scored a date with Elsa: +1
How cool is Sayid? So cool that he throws away cell phones when he’s finished talking on them: +1
Basically told Jack to step aside and let him handle the “helicopter situation.” I guess Sayid looked at last season’s Lost-vivor scores and figured it was time for him to take charge: +4
Totally scored with Elsa: +2
Found the secret room in Ben’s cabin: +4
Deceived by Hurley. Really? Were you taking heavy doses of cold medicine, Sayid? Not getting enough sleep? Low blood sugar maybe? I thought you could always tell when someone was lying, Mr. Iraqi Torturer. I honestly don’t know what to make of all this: -7
Shot by Elsa: -6
Survived: +2
Shot and killed Elsa. Under normal circumstances, a Lost-vivor would lose points for shooting his girlfriend, but since she shot him first…: +3
Traded the sarcastic ghostbuster for the snooty anthropologist. Is that an upgrade?: +3
Made it onto the chopper: +3
He’s working for Ben?! I don’t see this ending well: -4
Net gain/loss: +10
Current score: 121 |
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Hurley:
Wanted to go easy on Charlotte. Have you read Lord of the Flies, Hugo? It’s starting to feel like you’re auditioning for the role of Piggy here. And we all know what happened to Piggy: -2
Got left behind by Team Locke. Well, it’s better than getting crushed by a boulder: -3
Oh, snap! Hurley was with Team Locke all along, making him the first person in the history of Lost-vivor to ever pull anything over on Sayid: +12
Net gain/loss: +7
Current score: 115 |
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Daniel:
Dude’s been on the island for all of two hours and he’s already figured out that it’s 31 minutes behind the rest of the world. By way of comparison, the survivors of Flight 815 were there for a solid month before they figured out how to take a crap in the jungle without being eaten by the Smoke Monster in the process: +20
Net gain/loss: +20
Current score: NA |
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Locke:
Can’t find Jacob’s cabin: -2
Masterminded plan to capture Sayid and Kate: +5
Made iced tea. Say what you will about Locke, but he’s a damn fine host: +1
Net gain/loss: +4
Current score: 118 |
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Sawyer:
Bestowed nickname on Ben (”Gizmo”): +1
Suggested shooting Ben’s toes off: +1
Finally! Someone pointed out to Kate that the whole “wanted fugitive” thing might make life back in the real world a less-than-ideal scenario: +1
Net gain/loss: +3
Current score: 109 |
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Ben:
Has a secret room! Behind a bookcase! With passports! And currency!: +3
Ben’s a veterinarian?: +3
Net gain/loss: +6
Current score: 111 |
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Juliet:
Found Desmond. It’s about time somebody made an active effort to get Desmond involved in the season: +2
Net gain/loss: +2
Current score: 107 |
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Desmond:
“I’m taking a helicopter ride and getting some answers, brotha”: +3
Net gain/loss: +3
Current score: 103 |
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Kate:
Got all sulky when Jack decided to send Juliet back to the beach instead of her: -2
Lest we forget, Sayid wasn’t the only one fooled by Hurley, Master of Deception: -5
Net gain/loss: -7
Current score: 94 |
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Three episodes down, and here are the current rankings:
- Sayid (121) (+10)
- Locke (118) (+4)
- Hurley (115) (+7)
- Ben (111) (+6)
- Sawyer (109) (+3)
- Juliet (107) (+2)
- Jack (106)
- Vincent (105)
- Desmond (103) (+3)
- Bernard (101)
- Jin (100)
- Sun (100)
- Claire (100)
- Rose (97)
- Kate (94) (-7)
It seems the competition is heating up! Locke and Sayid continue to battle it out for the top spot, with Hurley and Ben not far behind. Meanwhile, based on Jack’s performance last season, you have to consider sixth place after three episodes to be something of a moral victory on his part. Anyway, that’s it for this week’s Lost-vivor. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next time!
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Posted on February 14, 2008
Video: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull trailer in glorious HD. Almost geektastic enough to make up for the news that J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek reboot has been delayed.
Posted on February 14, 2008
I noticed a sign outside my local Baskin-Robbins this morning that encouraged would-be customers to “Celebrate with a VD Cake!”
As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing less celebratory (or less celibatory) than a VD cake. Hell, I’ll take a urinal cake over a VD cake any day. Do I even want to know what constitutes thirty-one flavors in this context?
As always, Apropos of Something invites its readers to celebrate our officially-sanctioned Valentine’s Day alternative, Isolation Day. If you’re not familiar with the holiday, here’s an excerpt from last year’s Isolation Day entry:
My wife hates Valentine’s Day. I mean, she hates it. As I’m reminded on an annual basis, she feels that it’s a contrived, overly commercialized holiday manufactured by the evil triumvirate of the greeting card, candy, and floral industries that only serves to perpetuate the idea that romance should be confined to one day per year. I should note that she doesn’t reject the notion of Valentine’s Day in that all-too-common way where she tells me not to buy her anything or take her out to dinner, only to get upset when I don’t take the initiative to do so of my own accord. Trust me — if I were to walk into the house today carrying a stuffed bear with little red hearts on its paws, the consequences would be too terrible to mention. Seriously.
Due to my wife’s general distaste for all things Valentine’s Day, we’ve celebrated our own alternative holiday on February 14th for the past six or seven years — a holiday we like to call Isolation Day. To celebrate Isolation Day, we basically just spend as much time apart from one another as possible for the day and carefully avoid doing anything vaguely romantic when we are together. It’s a terrific day to clean out the gutters or grab a bite to eat at Taco Bell instead of buying roses or making dinner reservations at Chez Coûteux. Best of all, it leads to great conversations like this:
Me: “What do you want to do for Isolation Day tomorrow, honey?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: “Cool.”
Want to join us — and by “join us” I mean “stay the hell away from us” — in celebrating Isolation Day this year? Just explain to your significant other why you won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day, make other plans for yourself, and have a great time sticking it to the confectionery-floral-military-industrial complex.*
Happy Isolation Day, one and all!
*Apropos of Something is not responsible for any damages incurred while explaining to your significant other why you won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year.
Posted on February 13, 2008
Okay, I was on campus this morning and saw a guy riding a unicycle to class. Mind you, there’s an inch of snow on the ground, but that’s beside the point. Here’s the important question: if my first, barely-repressed instinct upon spotting him was to run up and push him over, does that make me a sociopath?
I’d argue that it’s nothing more than Newton’s Third Law. For every action (i.e. riding a unicycle to class), there is an equal and opposite reaction (i.e. getting knocked over and laughed at).
Who’s the real sociopath here — me or the uni-tard? I think the answer is obvious.
Posted on February 10, 2008
So, I signed up for more my cable company’s DVR service a few months ago, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that with the great power of digital video recording comes great viewing responsibility. Unbound at last from the strictures of a rigid television schedule, I soon discovered that I will apparently watch anything and everything that comes on television. After all, with my shiny new DVR box, why should I ever miss an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County or Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Oh, excuse me for a moment while I program in a season pass for Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.
Unfortunately, things got out of hand about a month ago. VH1 aired an America’s Next Top Model marathon around New Year’s, showing all nine seasons in sequence. I’d seen a few episodes here and there, and in a television landscape decimated by the writers’ strike, I figured, “Where’s the harm in recording a few episodes of Top Model?”
By “a few episodes,” of course, I mean roughly 112 hours of Top Model. All on my DVR. Just waiting to be watched.
If I ever wanted to have enough space on my TiVo to record another program again, I was going to have to start clearing out episodes of Top Model. So, I did. I started watching the episodes — one by one, season by season. After a month’s time, I had watched every single episode of America’s Next Top Model. Seriously, I’m an expert now — from Adrianne to Saleisha. Just quiz me.
That being said, something scary happened around Cycle 4. It was around that time that, for some bizarre reason, Tyra Banks and her merry band of misfit judges actually started making sense to me. That’s when I knew I had flown to close to the sun on wings of poorly-produced reality television.
Tyra would say something like, “In this photo, you were like ‘uh-uh-UH!’ when you should have been more ‘uh-UH-uh!’” and I would somehow know what she was babbling about. Pretty soon, I was watching the show and thinking, “Jaslene is fabulous, but she really needs to smile more with her eyes,” and “Yoanna is so working that gown, but her walk is still a little too bouncy,” or “CariDee has what it takes for commercial work, but can she handle editorial?” It seems my TiVo has made me fierce, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
Oh, and if ANTM started me down the road to fierceness (ferocity?), Christian from this season’s Project Runway sealed the deal. Omigod — so fierce!
Posted on February 8, 2008
Welcome to Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.
Finally, we meet the crew of the H.M.S. Not Penny’s Boat! Somehow, I expected more of an elite paramilitary unit and less of a foursome of misfits and geeks. That being said, “Confirmed Dead” continued to build on the momentum established in the season premiere. It looks like the producers learned their lesson from last season’s snooze-fest of a debut, ’cause Lost is moving full-speed ahead at this point.
I spent much of last season lamenting the loss of Super Cool Jungle Locke, so I have to say that it’s a pleasure to see the character rehabilitated somewhat in these past two episodes. Also, I love Ben’s new role as the guy who talks smack and then gets his ass kicked a few times every episode. Pummel away, Lost-vivors! Oh, and it was a welcome change of pace to see Jack treated as a vaguely competent leader for the first time in forever. I know I give Jack a tough time here on Lost-vivor, but believe it or not, he’s one of my favorite characters on the show. It warms the cockles of my heart to see him do good every one in a while.
As for the Freighter People (a name that sounds decidedly less ominous than the Others), I really dug the actor they cast as Dan. His twitchy, spazzed-out performance was easily one of the highlights of the episode for me. I’m looking forward to finding out why they’re searching for Ben, as well as their mysterious connection to Oceanic Flight 815.
I’m so loving Thursday nights right now: Survivor and Lost, back-to-back. If I flip the channel quickly enough after Survivor ends, it’s like a real-life Lost-vivor right there in my television set. Which got me thinking…why not start doing something similar to Lost-vivor, only recapping Survivor: Micronesia instead? Since I’m switching things around, though, I suppose I’d be adding a little of the mystery of Lost to the reality competition of Survivor — kind of like writing a Lost-flavored fanfic to accompany Survivor. Who is the mysterious Jeff Probst, and why does he insist on making the castaways compete in his bizarre challenges? Who built this pristine obstacle course on a seemingly-deserted island? What really happens after the castaways’ torches are extinguished? Find out next week on…Surviv-ost!
Okay, maybe it’s not such a good idea after all. Enough stalling — let’s start doling out some of those sweet, sweet points!
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Hurley:
Actually remembered where Jacob’s cabin is located. I’m impressed, Hugo: +2
Had to be a Chatty Cathy, started blabbing the castaways’ life stories to Charlotte: -1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 108 |
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Daniel:
Unceremoniously shoved out of the chopper: -3
Wearing a tie. Good fashion sense is key to any rescue operation: +1
Forgot about the whole prearranged “tell my sister I love her” code: -1
Noticed that the light doesn’t scatter quite right on Lost-vivor Island. Is this dude high or something?: -2
Belittled repeated by Miles: -3
Net gain/loss: -8
Current score: NA |
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Sayid:
Along with Juliet, got the drop on Miles: +5
Performed a quick chopper diagnostic. Seriously, is there anything Sayid can’t do?: +2
Net gain/loss: +7
Current score: 111 |
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Locke:
Ooo…he’s doing that cool “standing in the rain” thing he always used to do: +3
Bonus point for predicting the passing of the storm: +1
Whoa…cool bullet hole, dude: +2
Saved Ben from additional pummeling by Sawyer: -1
Captured Charlotte: +2
Affixed Charlotte’s transponder to Vincent. At least I assume he did it. Who else in Locke’s tribe is smart enough to come up with a plan like that? Claire?: +3
Asked Ben about the Monster. Lost-vivors always gain points for that one time every ten or fifteen episodes when they actually bother to ask an important question: +5
Of course, Ben didn’t know the answer (or wasn’t telling if he did): -2
Net gain/loss: +13
Current score: 114 |
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Charlotte:
Found a polar bear skeleton in the desert — no easy feat: +2
Stuck hanging in a rather precarious position: -4
Releases her safety harness, splashes down into water. I score it a 2 out of 10: +2
Captured by Locke: -3
Shot by Ben: -10
Survived! These Freighter Folk are tough to kill: +8
Net gain/loss: -5
Current score: NA |
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Sawyer:
Bestowed nickname on Locke (”Colonel Kurtz”): +1
Bestowed nickname on Ben (”Yoda”): +1
Kicked Ben’s ass: +3
Kicked Ben’s ass again, held him at gunpoint the second time around: +4
Net gain/loss: +9
Current score: 106 |
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Miles:
Got the drop on Jack: +2
Already knew that Naomi was dead: +1
He’s a professional ghostbuster. Who ya gonna call? Miles Straume!: +1
Scored some decent dough from that whole paranormal consultant gig: +3
Communed with Naomi’s spirit? I heard the mysterious island whispers, so I guess it worked: +2
Ambushed by Juliet and Sayid. Sayid, I understand. Dude is like Chuck Norris. But, Juliet? C’mon: -5
Threatened to break Dan’s fingers. Dude, dial it back a notch: -3
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: NA |
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Jack:
Confronted Daniel about his gun: +2
Let Miles get the drop on him: -2
Successfully executed the old “I have friends in the jungle with guns pointed at your head right now” trick: +9
Pointed out to Kate that he “did the ‘wink’ thing”: +2
Net gain/loss: +11
Current score: 106 |
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Frank:
Crashed the chopper: -10
Narrowly avoided piloting Flight 815 on that fateful day. I guess Frank’s loss is Greg Grunberg’s gain. Or vice versa: +3
Oh, wait…he didn’t crash the chopper after all. My apologies: +15
Memorized flight manifest. That’s impressive, but Ben’s still better at the know-it-all game than you: +2
Is it just me, or does his voice sound eerily like Locke’s? Creepy: -1
Net gain/loss: +9
Current score: NA |
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Ben:
“Karl, if you’re going to sleep with my daughter, you can call me Ben.” I love this guy: +2
Played a few mind games with Sawyer, while pointing out that Sawyer is, in fact, a handsome dude: +2
Received ass-kicking number two of the season, this time courtesy of Sawyer: -3
Shot Charlotte. That’s what being a snooty, freighter-riding, helicopter-bailing social anthropologist will get you around these parts, missy: +6
And there’s ass-kicking number three, folks: -4
The Freighter People are here for Ben. Uh-oh: -5
Demonstrated why he always used to win when the Others would play a round of Charlotte Lewis trivia: +2
Oh, snap! Ben has a man on the boat: +8
Net gain/loss: +8
Current score: 105 |
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Vincent:
Yay! Vincent is in this episode: +2
Yay! Vincent helped execute the old “tie the transponder to the dog” trick: +3
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: 105 |
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Juliet:
Along with Sayid, got the drop on Miles: +5
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: 105 |
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Kate:
Started acting all jealous again when Juliet showed up: -2
Net gain/loss: -2
Current score: 101 |
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With the second week of Lost-vivor in the books, let’s check out the scoreboard:
- Locke (114) (+13)
- Sayid (111) (+7)
- Hurley (108) (+1)
- Jack (106) (+11)
- Sawyer (106) (+9)
- Ben (105) (+8)
- Juliet (105) (+5)
- Vincent (105) (+5)
- Kate (101) (-2)
- Bernard (101)
- Desmond (100)
- Jin (100)
- Sun (100)
- Claire (100)
- Rose (97)
Big gains all around this week, as Locke takes the lead and several other players cluster near the top. Personally, I’m waiting for Desmond — last year’s Lost-vivor fan-favorite — to do something interesting this season. Let’s see some future-gazing or nude jungle-running, brotha! Anyway, that’s it for this week. As always, thanks for reading Lost-vivor, and I’ll see you next time!
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Posted on February 3, 2008
Long-time readers with elephantine memories might recall my review of Diet Dr Pepper Berries & Cream from a couple of years ago. If not, here’s a quick recap:
Avoid this drink at all costs, live a good life, and pray you don’t end up in Hell where I suspect this vile liquid will be served with every meal. Diet Dr Pepper Berries & Cream is like drinking carbonated cough syrup with about six tablespoons of aspertame mixed in for good measure. Seriously, this stuff is the kind of grotty where you take a sip, nearly spit it out, and then take another drink because it couldn’t possibly taste that bad. Guess what? It did. You just got punk’d by Diet Dr Pepper Berries & Cream.
So, ignoring both past experience and my own better judgment, I sampled Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr Pepper — the company’s latest Franken-beverage — earlier today. Now, it’s time for someone out there to ‘fess up. Who among us was clamoring for Tootsie Roll soda? ‘Cause that’s apparently what Dr Pepper is bottling and selling these days: goddamn Tootsie Roll soda. With cherry. And maybe a hint of prune juice?
Seriously, yuck. That being said, I’d still prefer quaffing an entire 24-pack of this cherry-chocolate abomination than sip another teaspoon of the Berries & Cream variety. <shudder>
Quaff-o-Meter Score: 11.2/100
Posted on February 1, 2008
Welcome to an all-new season of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for the Lost season premiere. Proceed at your own risk.
Gee, has it really been eight months since the third season of Lost ended and Sayid was crowned Lost-vivor champion? In a television landscape decimated by the writers’ strike, Lost couldn’t have returned at a better time — even if it’s only for eight episodes. Overall, I thought “The Beginning of the End” got Season Four off to a solid start. I was hoping we’d learn more about the mysterious people on the H.M.S. Not Penny’s Boat, but there’s plenty of time for that in future episodes. For now, I’m stoked about the new status quo — Jack leading one plucky band of Lost-vivors and Locke the other. Hey, now that we have two tribes living on opposite sides of the island, why not have them meet up for weekly immunity and reward challenges? Personally, I’m pulling for Team Locke.
I’m also digging the mystery of the Oceanic Six. What kind of cover-up and/or sacrifice did they have to make to get off the island? I’m guessing Hurley is just bummed out that he had to leave his hippie wagon behind.
Anyway, it’s great to have Lost back, and I’m pleased as punch to officially kick off the new season of Lost-vivor. The rules work the same as last season; everyone starts out with 100 points and then has points awarded and taken away based on their actions each week. Whoever ends the season with the most points is crowned Lost-vivor champion. Can Sayid bring home the prize two seasons in a row? Will Jack manage to achieve negative points this season? Is there really any point to including Claire in the rankings? We’ll answer all these questions and more, this season on…Lost-vivor! <cue spooky Lost sound>
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Hurley:
Sweet Camaro, dude: +3
After crashing through some papayas (?), earned a standardized 2.4 out of 5 on the Bo Duke Car-Jumping Scale: +4
Caught by the cops, tried unsuccessfully to flee on foot: -4
Totally snubbed Ana-Lucia. I never liked her either, Hugo: +2
Turned down cop’s offer of a donut. Dude, donuts are delicious: -1
Experienced psychotic underwater interrogation-room episode. Cuckoo, cuckoo: -3
Super happy cannonball fun-time: +1
Threw walkie-talkie into the ocean. Sure, you can buy a new one after you’re rescued, Hugo, but not everybody on the island is worth $150 million: -2
Unfortunately, Hurley is back in the nuthouse: -5
On the bright side, he’s winning at Connect Four: +1
Turned down opportunity to upgrade to a nicer nuthouse: -2
Asked “Oceanic representative” for his card. Hurley’s pretty sharp for a psycho: +3
Got lost in the jungle: -3
Discovered Casa de Jacob and actually saw Jacob. Then again, Hurley sees lots of things that aren’t really there: +2
Broke the bad news about Charlie to Claire: +2
Check out those mad igloo-paintin’ skillz, yo: +1
Saw Charlie’s ghost. I smell a sitcom spin-off…Hugo and the Ghost Hobbit! Coming to ABC, Fall 2010: +2
Slapped by Ghost Hobbit. That’s the kind of slapstick comedy viewers can expect to see each week on Hugo and the Ghost Hobbit! Coming to ABC, Fall 2010. For more behind-the-scenes news, mobisodes, and ringtones, visit ABC.com: -1
Delivered a great speech about listening to Charlie and staying on the island: +5
Demonstrated mad nuthouse ballin’ skillz versus Jack (who, in his defense, had probably been drinking): +2
Net gain/loss: +7
Current score: 107 |
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Charlie:
ZOMG! Charlie is still alive: +100
Oh, wait. Hurley’s insane. I forgot: -100
Net gain/loss: 0
Current score: NA (deceased) |
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Naomi:
ZOMG! Naomi is still alive, too: +100
Alive enough to leave a fake trail that, of course, Jack is more than happy to follow: +15
Jumped Kate: +5
Never mind…she’s dead again: -100
Or is she?: +100
Yeah, I’m pretty sure she is: -100
Net gain/loss: +20
Current score: NA (deceased) |
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Sayid:
Smart enough to realize that their communications are likely being monitored: +2
Brought up the whole “Locke destroyed the sub” ordeal. Oh, yeah…Sayid totally went there: +2
Net gain/loss: +4
Current score: 104 |
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Locke:
Ouch! Slugged by Jack: -4
Good plan, going to the barracks. Team Locke rocks: +5
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 101 |
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Sawyer:
Oh, geeze…we’re back to Mr. Nice Guy Sawyer. “You just holler if you need me, Hugo”: -3
Net gain/loss: -3
Current score: 97 |
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Bernard:
Words of wisdom: “Hurley, you wanna do a cannonball? Cannonball”: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 101 |
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Jack:
Let Kate steal his satellite phone after totally ignoring her advice about tracking Naomi: -4
Knocked the ever-loving crap out of Locke: +3
And then tried to shoot him! Whoa, there…let’s dial it down a few notches, Jacko: -5
Also addressed the “Locke keeps blowing important stuff up” issue: +2
Visited Hurley in the nuthouse: +2
Left before finishing his game of H-O-R-S-E. Dude, you can’t stop at H-O: -3
Net gain/loss: -5
Current score: 95 |
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Rose:
Engaged in thinly-veiled, creepy sexual innuendo regarding Claire and Charlie: -5
Bestowed nickname on Bernard (”Rambo”): +2
Net gain/loss: -3
Current score: 97 |
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Ben:
Still looks like crap from his Season Three beating: -2
Slugged by Rousseau: -3
Still reigning King of Sarcasm on Lost-vivor Island. I loved his line about the “big bundle of firewood” Naomi must be out gathering: +2
Net gain/loss: -3
Current score: 97 |
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Kate:
Lifted the satellite phone from Jack: +3
Demonstrated those mysterious island tracking skills they never really explained when/how she learned to find Naomi: +3
Kinda got her ass handed to her by Naomi: -3
Net gain/loss: +3
Current score: 103 |
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Okay, let’s take a look at the scoreboard after one week of Lost-vivor action:
- Hurley (107) (+7)
- Sayid (104) (+4)
- Kate (103) (+3)
- Bernard (101) (+1)
- Locke (101) (+1)
- Desmond (100)
- Jin (100)
- Vincent (100)
- Sun (100)
- Claire (100)
- Juliet (100)
- Ben (97) (-3)
- Rose (97) (-3)
- Sawyer (97) (-3)
- Jack (95) (-5)
No huge gains by any contestants this week, but there’s already some familiar trends afoot (i.e. Jack near the bottom and Sayid near the top). As always, thanks for reading Lost-vivor, and I’ll see you next week!
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