(I’m Everything I Am) Because You Scare Me

Posted on September 13, 2007 @ 11:53 am

CelineAs I was riding the elevator back to my office after class this morning, I was joined by a peculiar man sporting a Celine Dion t-shirt and a vaguely disconcerting gleam in his eye. Yes, a Celine Dion t-shirt. In public!

Unfortunately, the Social Distortion Field generated by my iPod wasn’t powerful enough to prevent this guy from striking up a conversation.

“That’s a really nice iPod!”

I pop out my earbuds. “Thanks. I just picked it up a month ago to replace a broken one.”

“Awesome! So, what are you listening to?”

Gah! Why is this elevator so damn slow?

“Feist.”

“Is that a band? I’ve never heard of them.”

“She’s a Canadian singer-songwriter.”

Did I just say Canadian? I think I did. Please, if there’s a God above, don’t let that be the opening this guy needs to bring up Celine Dion.

“My favorite singer is Canadian, too! Do you have any Celine Dion songs on your iPod?”

Sigh. “No, I’m afraid I don’t.”

A crestfallen look washes over his face. “Well, do you like Celine Dion?”

I’m already imagining my obituary in the campus newspaper, describing how this promising young professor was tragically slain after only his third week of classes — beaten to death with his own backpack by a crazed Celine Dion fan.

“Yeah, I guess she’s okay.” Nice save.

“What’s your favorite Celine Dion song?”

D’oh! What does Celine Dion sing? She sang the theme to Titanic, right? No, I can’t say that. It’s too obvious. Besides, nobody likes that song (except maybe this guy). Wait…there’s that other really annoying song…what was it called?

“I guess my favorite is ‘(I’m Everything I Am) Because You Loved Me.’ She really has a great voice.”

“Awesome! I love that song, too!” Translation: I’m not going to murder you after all!

Thankfully, before my new friend and I had a chance to discuss my second favorite Celine song, the elevator reached my floor and I scurried out to safety. I’m still a little discombobulated by the encounter, though. As it stands, Mr. Dion is about one more shared elevator ride away from taking over as my new Fedora-and-Pipe Guy here at Bovine State University.

Posted by Jess | Filed Under Random Musings |

25 comments so far...

  1. Veronica September 13, 2007 12:36 pm

    At least the guy wasn’t out to fire you, like the Micheal Bolton fans in Office Space.

  2. Randy Peterman September 13, 2007 12:36 pm

    [insert entire recitation of scene with Bobs from Office Space about Michael Bolton here]

  3. lifexhistory September 13, 2007 12:58 pm

    Where do you find these characters? It’s like you have a weird-o/nemesis magnet that you carry around in your backpack. Wait, do you have one of those? You do, don’t you? You carry it around so you have blog material. Unbelievable!

  4. Trint September 13, 2007 2:32 pm

    Scary dude! I’m glad you survived. You played it better than I would have. I probably would have laughed at the guy and got my blood soaked into the elevator buttons.

  5. Chris September 13, 2007 4:11 pm

    The most pleasant sound associated with any Celine Dion album is the tearing of the cellophane wrapper.

  6. Fritz September 13, 2007 6:00 pm

    Think Twice

    That’s the only Celine Dion song I really like.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rriGtwl1oGE

    Kelly Clarkson won Idol with it:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65GuzeMhMJs

  7. Fritz September 13, 2007 8:23 pm

    I just “stole” your comment balloon for my own blog, BTW.

  8. Michael September 13, 2007 10:24 pm

    Nice to see that you’re back to having time to blog, even though you’re in the real world, and with funny stories to boot.

  9. Thom September 14, 2007 4:42 pm

    Alright, fess up. What’s your real favorite Celine Dion song?

  10. Fritz September 15, 2007 1:23 pm

    Here’s something to blog about…

    http://video.scifi.com/player/?id=154513

  11. [...] unknown wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAs I was riding the elevator back to my office after class this morning, I was joined by a peculiar man sporting a Celine Dion t-shirt and a vaguely disconcerting gleam in his eye. Yes, a Celine Dion t-shirt. In public! … [...]

  12. Jeff Schiller September 21, 2007 9:49 am

    So what’s your favourite Feist song?

  13. Brandon September 25, 2007 3:46 am

    that sounds like Scary Barry, this dude who comes into the store I work at. he is the only person who has made me genuinely contemplate suicide while in his presence.

    bovine state? what state is bovine state?

  14. sporkfoo September 26, 2007 2:13 pm

    what is with the “fedora and pipe guys”??

    when I was in college we had one of those.

  15. mon September 29, 2007 3:31 am

    i t hink thats when id have said….’no hablo englais’

  16. Alex October 8, 2007 5:16 pm

    I nearly peed myself reading this….

  17. Heather October 21, 2007 8:38 am

    Uh… did Elevator Guy kill you?

  18. Greg October 23, 2007 3:00 pm

    it’s just not the same with out Jess’s blogs to look forward to every few days…

  19. coco October 25, 2007 8:09 pm

    It’s so funny how people can be ashamed to like Celine Dion but worship talentless stars like Britney Spears who doesn’t even care about her fame.

  20. Ruko November 5, 2007 1:02 pm

    Jess, you doing ok? Been a while.

  21. Clayton November 7, 2007 8:57 am

    Hi,

    I enjoyed checking out your blog. I’m a recent grad in Silicon Valley, and I’ve just started a company that is mapping the blogosphere to our world. I noticed that your blog has great content and a good-sized readership, and it would be great to have you on the map. Here is an example of a blogger in Georgia who’s plugged in: http://www.verveearth.com/landing/#type=user&id=772. It can be fun to explore different localities.

    It’s an easy process to get on board, and I can be reached at clayton@verveearth.com for questions or feedback. If you resonate with the vision of painting a global canvas of voices, please give VerveEarth a mention.

    Cheers! -Clayton

  22. Greg T November 7, 2007 9:50 pm

    Jess, post something!

  23. Katie December 13, 2007 3:50 pm

    I hate it when people ignore my Bubble of Safety. That guy sounds like a loon.

  24. Carrie And Jonathan December 18, 2007 3:37 pm

    Carrie REALLY DISLIKES Celine Dion. Not just in a “I kind of don’t like Celine Dion” sort of way, but in a “please give me some earplugs before I go postal” kind of way.

    Funny that this guy wanted to make friends over Celine Dion.

    What actually brought us to your site (which we’ve immensely enjoyed reading, BTW) was your experience in Verona.

    We absolutely loved Verona when we were there, and have thought about having an apartment there. How did you like it (excluding the Bidet - which apparently is the best invention ever…)

    If you’re interested in seeing our pictures of Verona (not that you probably didn’t take your own, but maybe we got some good ones you’d like to see), they’re here: http://www.carrieandjonathan.com/verona-our-wonderful-day-in-verona.html. (We love the one Jonathan got of the castle at night.)

    Looking forward to reading more about your experience there, and more of your ruminations on your site here.

    Warmest,

    Jonathan and Carrie

  25. [...] (I’m Everything I Am) Because You Scare Me What does Celine Dion sing? She sang the theme to Titanic, right? No, I can’t say that. It’s too obvious. Besides, nobody likes that song (except maybe this guy). Wait…there’s that other really annoying song…what was it called? … [...]


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