Harry Potter “Spoilers”
Posted on July 20, 2007 @ 6:34 am
Harry and Draco quietly settle down in a domestic partnership and live happily ever? Hermione was actually Snape all along, disguising himself with a bottle of Polyjuice Potion? Dumbledore kills Ron?!
In what’s become a Harry Potter release-date tradition here at Apropos of Something, feel free to post your own fake spoilers for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in the comments section.
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1. Ron and Hermione were actually figments of Harry’s imagination all along. Flashback to several moments in his life where we see Harry is actually talking to himself.
2. Under the guise of the polyjuice potion, Draco Malfoy is actually Filtch’s cat.
3. All the dead characters come back in one chapter for a wacky “Weekend at Bernie’s” tradition they have at Hogwarts.
4. Fed up with all this wizard crap, Uncle Vernon breaks Harry’s wand and shoots Voldemort in the face with a rifle.
5. Bellatrix explains to Neville that torturing and murdering his parents was all an accident. Neville forgives her. Bellatrix escapes.
6. Hagrid is really five midgets in a coat.
1. Snape is not really good, or really evil. He’s just really bipolar.
2. Draco has become a raging alcoholic and checks into the Betty Ford Clinic.
3. Voldemort just wanted to invite Harry to a fish fry.
4. Hermione teaches everyone two newly discovered spells: “Your mom,” and “That’s what she said.”
Oh boy, my friend Jenny and I had fun with these the other day.
It turns out that Aveda Kedavra is actually a shrinking spell! Sirius has really just been made very tiny, and is found living in a little house he made out of a peanut shell. Harry’s parents have just been Dr.-Shrinkered, and they live in Harry’s SCAR. Once he figures out the embiggening spell, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, lives happily ever after.
There’s a hilarious moment when Dumbledore, who has transfigured himself into a butterscotch chip, gets thrown into one of Hagrid’s rock cakes and eaten. He throws up this little shield spell and he makes it out okay and they all laugh about it over butterbeer and pumpkin pasties later.
That all starts happening on page 552 or so. Seriously.
Harry wakes up at the end of the 999 page book to discover it was all a dream.
1. Draco, Crabb, and Goyle form a heavy metal rock band called “Hobbits in Cages” and give up magic altogether.
2. Hagrid’s been a Death Eater all along. Admits to being a former member of ZZ Top.
3. At the end, Voldemort manages to escape death, gets a name change, and enters American politics under the guise of Dick Cheney.
4. Five year Hogwarts reunion: Harry’s just a junior broom mechanic–tough luck, kiddo.
Harry dies, Voldemort takes his rightful place as the head of both Hogwarts and the MoM, and everyone else falls in line inevitably finding the wisdom of his ways.
In a strange twist of fate it turns out Harry was evil, and Voldemort was just misunderstood.
Ron admits that although he likes Hermione, he is really in love with Goyle.
Voldemort says “Harry… I am your father…”
Harry screams “Nooooo!”
Voldemort: “Search your feelings, Harry. You know it to be true.”
Harry falls into a deep pit and must be rescued by his friends.
OMG I just about peed my pants reading these– how FUNNY!
Harry Potter wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette, and realizes it was all a dream.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows…IT’S A COOKBOOK!
Just finished reading it!
J.K. Rowling dies!
Didn’t see that one coming!
Voldemort dies, but not because of horcruxes or anything like that, but because of severe peanut allergies.
Harry has many children, and names names all of them terrible, generic names borrowed from bad fanfiction.
I was sad to see that I’m not the first, second or even the third person to come up with the Dallas ending. I mean you should have seen it coming when they cast Patrick Duffy.
Anyway, I was particularly fond of the part where Voldemort sent the winged lawyers and served Harry with charges of defamation of character. But everything was alright because Hermione cast a Cochranomus Defendamus and saved the day. I mean really. Who knew that there was such a heated courtroom drama in there? 857 pages of it. Criminy.
Ooops, corrected myself and hit submit again. Think there’s a spell to fix that? Like an Adminstratos Deletium.
@Timmy B.: Fixed it!
Ginny cries at the end, but pulls herself together, saying, “Hogwarts. Hogwarts. Tomorrow I’ll go to Hogwarts. After all, tomorrow is another day.”
[...] Potter Fake spoilers. In twodifferent threads. Don’t worry, they won’t give the show [...]
Voldy admits at the end that……
He was just joshin’
Harry’s scar was a tattoo the whole time.
no,harry’s scar is made with make-up!!!!;)