Everything I know about murder, I learned from television
Posted on May 25, 2007 @ 9:56 am
Are you a suspect in an ongoing murder investigation? Did you actually commit said murder? If you answered “yes” to both questions, you’re in luck! I’ve literally spent hundreds of hours watching reruns of police procedurals like Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, Cold Case, and The Closer to compile this simple three-step guide to dealing with the police in just such a situation.
When the police initially bring you “downtown” to the station — not as a suspect, simply as a “person of interest” — they’re going to ask whether you knew the victim. Don’t lie! They wouldn’t have brought you in for questioning if they didn’t already know that you knew the victim. The next question they’ll ask is if you can think of anyone who would have a reason to want the victim dead. They’ll say something like, “Chloe was found in her home last night…strangled to death with a makeshift garotte fashioned from Twizzlers. Who would do something like that?”
Your first instinct is probably to reply that you have no idea. Wrong! Instead, you should state that you don’t know who would want to murder the victim, but that it’s about damn time that somebody did. Your response should go something like this: “No, I don’t know who killed Chloe, but it doesn’t surprise me that she’s dead. A woman like that makes a lot of enemies.” The detectives will ask for clarification, and that’s when you admit to a motive. “Well, Chloe and I used to date. That’s before I found out she was fooling around behind my back with some loser who works down at the multiplex on Reynolds Boulevard.”
Admitting — even in a roundabout way — that you’re glad the victim is dead may seem counterintuitive at first. Trust me, though; that’s how it’s done in every single episode of CSI and Law & Order that I’ve seen. Now, on to step two!
As you might have guessed, the police won’t react all that positively after you’ve admitted to having a motive. In fact, one of the detectives (we’ll call him or her the “bad cop”) will probably shoot back with something like, “So, that’s why you killed Chloe, huh? You were jealous that she left you for another man. Oldest story in the book.”
Don’t panic! The entire reason we have a Constitution in the United States is to protect murderers in situations just like this. It’s time to get smug — maybe even sneer at the detective. Or, if you prefer, just laugh off his accusation. Then, inform him that you know your rights. Try saying something like this: “Am I being held as a suspect? Are you placing me under arrest? No? Well, then I don’t have to answer any more of your questions, do I? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work.”
The detectives won’t like it, but here’s the best part: they can’t do anything about it. Sure, acting smug, uncooperative, and downright hostile will likely make you seem even guiltier in the eyes of the law, but rest assured, my friend; that’s the way these things are done. Now, on to step three!
A few days will pass, and you’ll eventually be called back down to the station. Be sure to bring along legal counsel this time (it’s one of those constitutional rights we mentioned in step two). Now it’s the detectives’ turn to act smug. They’ll sit you down in the same room as before and ask again if you killed the victim. “I already told you,” you’ll reply. “I had nothing to do with Chloe’s murder!”
“Well, that’s not what the evidence says,” they’ll reply. “We found traces of your DNA on the Twizzler garotte and the victim. And we have a witness that says he saw you at the multiplex on Reynolds Boulevard purchasing the Twizzlers from the snack bar. Now, are you ready to tell us why you killed Chloe?”
At this point, your lawyer will tell you not to answer any further questions. Ignore him. What does he know anyway? This is the part where you stare down at your hands, shed a few tears, and recount the entire murder. How you were jealous that Chloe left you for another man. How you went to the multiplex to confront him. How you bought the Twizzlers while you were there, drove back to Chloe’s house, and then strangled her with the candy rope.
Yes, you could go to trial and let a jury weigh in on whether or not you’re guilty, but where’s the fun in that? At this point, you might want to turn to one of the detectives and implore, “Come on — any man would have done the same thing in my position, right?” The detective will then snappily reply, “Any man who wanted to spend the rest of his life in prison.”
What? You thought you were going to get away with murder? Have you ever even seen a cop show? Seriously, dude, turn on your television. I bet there’s an episode of L&O on TNT right now. These cops always get their man — and always in 40 minutes or less. The good news is that if you paid close attention to these three simple steps, you’re now ready to be the “special guest star” in this week’s episode. Congratulations!
Oh, and if you live in Miami and one of the cops on the case is a weird redheaded dude with sunglasses, be prepared to hear him say at some point in the investigation, “Well, I guess that’s one mouth…Twizzlers didn’t make happy.” Then, the Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” will suddenly start up in the background. Just go with it; it’s kinda his thing.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Pop Culture |
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Ha! Good post. That’s pretty funny
Now you need to make a version “How to run from a sociopathic murderer” and make sure you include how running into a Dead end Hallway closet is always the best idea
I’ve stopped watching cop shows entirely, except for The Closer, which hasn’t settled completely into a formula yet. I stopped watching Cold Case when I noticed that the cops always interviewed exactly two people who had a motive to commit the crime but then directed the cops to someone else who had an even better motive. “Sure, I wanted him dead, but I was in Siberia that day. You know who you should be talking to….”
From Law and Order, I know that it’s always the inconsequential character introduced halfway through the investigation that’s the guilty party.
Also, if you’re a witness being questioned by homicide detectives, don’t stop what you’re doing to answer a question about a murder. You’re on the clock, and those crates aren’t going to stack themselves!
I think someone should do a statistical analysis of how often people get away with their crimes on police procedurals… it would likely be surprising.
@Quelyn: Thanks! I was actually thinking about doing a “how to survive a zombie outbreak” entry next. Rule #1: If your best friend is bitten, kill him NOW. You’re not going to find a cure. He’s not going to survive. He’s going to become a zombie, and you’ll just have to kill him then anyway. So, get it out of the way up front before he’s all gross and zombified. Oh, and the hallway closet rule you mentioned applies there, too.
@Diesel: Sometimes I wonder who the three people with motives would be if I got murdered. I imagine most people I interact with on a semi-regular basis would be excellent candidates.
@Greg: Ha! You nailed it with the crate-stacking. I love how nonchalant people are about being murder suspects.
@MC: Who needs statistics for that? It’s zero.
Well, unless you count two-part episodes where they don’t catch them until the second episode.
I dunno, i watched Sean of the Dead, and I’m inclined to disagree with Step 1. I think you just have to chain him up in the shed
Too bad this guy didn’t read this post before he ran off with his kid. er. though i suppose that woulda been hard since his wife supposedly “disappeared” and he hit the road on the run about a week ago, but whatever. details.
since you and i are barely hanging on by a thread what with the difference in opinions in just about everything
i probably shouldn’t mention that i like csi:miami and that H has grown on me. not to say that i don’t find him goofy, but he’s okay.
Hmmmm… I’ve got a friend who’s an editor at the Cracked website and he mentioned he was looking for more articles like this one. Specifically, he’s looking for pop culture humor articles in list form, and this may fit the bill.
Here’s the forum thread if you’re interested.
http://jaypinkerton.cracked.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=3490
@pea: The first few times I saw CSI: Miami, I was like, “Is this dude for real?” Over time, though, I’ve become an official F.O.H. (Friend Of Horatio). The sunglasses…the one-liners…the standing sideways while talking to people. All so wonderfully cheesy!
@Datadog: Thanks for the link; I’ll check it out. Meanwhile, it seems you’re the second person today to run afoul of my overzealous spam filter. If you notice one of your comments not going through again, feel free to e-mail me and I’ll set things right.
Hehe, that red headed guy cracks me up. I’ve only seen a couple of episodes of CSI Miami and he’s been outrageously cheesy in all I’ve seen. Top postage as ever, my learned friend. Happy Sunday
Roo x
Back when I used to watch original CSI, probably its 1st or 2nd season, someone got away with murder. So there is the one-in-a-million shot for that. ^_^
I’m always intrigued that when L&O:C.I’s, Detective Robert Goren does the head tilt in the interview room and the perp starts blabbing away about the crime while his lawyer just sits right there and watches.
It’s like the lawyer is watching a snuff film. Or it might be that Goren’s head tilt is magical and has hypnotic powers.