Thursday mornings feel so empty now…
Posted on May 31, 2007
Well, maybe not that empty.
UPDATE: Head over to Chaos Theory to find out who won Hero-vivor!
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Lost-vivor | 13 Comments
Lolcats + Batman = Lolbats
Posted on May 30, 2007
What happens when you cross Lolcats — those ubiquitous cat photos with the poorly-spelled captions — with Batman? You end up with Lolbats, of course, and it goes a little something like this…
More follow after the jump.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Apropos Comics | 27 Comments
Beverage Report: Pepsi Summer Mix
Posted on May 28, 2007
Wherein I drink potentially nasty soft drinks so you don’t have to…
I believe the unique flavor of Pepsi’s latest seasonal beverage, Pepsi Summer Mix, is best summed up by the following “infographic.”
The sweet, citrusy flavor caught me off guard at first, but as I finished the bottle, I couldn’t help but notice Pepsi Summer Mix is surprisingly refreshing for a cola. I’m not about to stock my fridge with 24-packs or anything, but it’s worth trying out if you’re curious. It’s perfect for: 1) cola drinkers who wish their Pepsi tasted a little more like Mountain Dew, or 2) people like me who see an unfamiliar soft drink label in the grocery store checkout line and can’t resist sampling it.
Quaff-o-Meter Score: 81.4 out of 100
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Random Musings | 41 Comments
“I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!”
Posted on May 27, 2007
YouTube: A fan-made teaser for Tales of the New Republic, a hypothetical CGI Star Wars cartoon. Worth watching just to see animated versions of Mara Jade and Grand Admiral Thrawn.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Asides | Leave a Comment
Review: “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”
Posted on May 27, 2007
Let’s see if I can briefly sum up Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Blah, blah, swordfight. Blah, blah, Davy Jones’ Locker. Blah, blah, Cap’n Jack. Blah, blah, pirate lords. Blah, blah, double-cross. Blah, blah, swordfight. Blah, blah, goddess bound in human form. Blah, blah, Mexican standoff. Blah, blah, Keira and Orlando. Blah, blah, sea battle. Blah, blah, swordfight. Blah, blah, credits.
Seriously, I haven’t seen a movie franchise go this far downhill this fast since Reloaded and Revolutions took a bullet-time crap on The Matrix.
At World’s End isn’t confusing, per se, but the storyline is far more convoluted than seems necessary for a simple pirate movie. Subplots go nowhere, and the story falls a few pieces of eight short of making sense at times. Moreover, the characters’ motivations are often unclear — particularly in the case of Will Turner. Oh, and if you haven’t seen Pirates 2 in the past few days, you might want to bone up on the previous installment before you head out to the theater. There’s very little in the way of recap in At World’s End, and you’ll likely find yourself saying, “Hey, it’s that guy! I forgot about that guy!” several times as characters from the previous films are reintroduced.
Johnny Depp rolls out his Captain Jack Sparrow shtick once again in At World’s End, and it’s as bizarrely entertaining as ever. Surprisingly, however, the film belongs to Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa. Naturally, the film doesn’t bother to explain why the villain of the first Pirates film is suddenly the most trustworthy man on the Spanish Main, but his rollicking, over-the-top performance is just golden. Meanwhile, the characters of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) feel as tacked-on as ever. “This pirate movie simply must have a love story! Must!” Speaking of Elizabeth, is it just me, or is the whole “fiercely-independent firebrand that can intimidate an entire boatload of bloodthirsty pirates” act starting to seem just as clichéd as the standard “damsel in distress” archetype?
All told, Pirates of the Caribbean is a rather difficult movie to sit through. It’s not particularly funny, the action scenes fall flat, it runs nearly an hour too long, and it simply feels like we’ve seen it all before. Bright spots like the dueling captains, Jack and Barbossa, or the top-notch CGI work on Davy Jones just aren’t enough to save the film from a half-baked plot and overwrought script. I guess that’s what happens when you try to adapt a 14-minutes theme park ride into a trilogy of major motion pictures. Disney should have stopped after it made the perfect pirate movie the first time around.
The verdict: D+
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Pop Culture | 15 Comments
Shatner: Techno at 160 mph
Posted on May 26, 2007
YouTube: William Shatner enters the world of techno music. While driving a race car. At 160 miles per hour. Because he’s William F’n Shatner.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Asides | 2 Comments
Everything I know about murder, I learned from television
Posted on May 25, 2007
Are you a suspect in an ongoing murder investigation? Did you actually commit said murder? If you answered “yes” to both questions, you’re in luck! I’ve literally spent hundreds of hours watching reruns of police procedurals like Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, Cold Case, and The Closer to compile this simple three-step guide to dealing with the police in just such a situation.
When the police initially bring you “downtown” to the station — not as a suspect, simply as a “person of interest” — they’re going to ask whether you knew the victim. Don’t lie! They wouldn’t have brought you in for questioning if they didn’t already know that you knew the victim. The next question they’ll ask is if you can think of anyone who would have a reason to want the victim dead. They’ll say something like, “Chloe was found in her home last night…strangled to death with a makeshift garotte fashioned from Twizzlers. Who would do something like that?”
Your first instinct is probably to reply that you have no idea. Wrong! Instead, you should state that you don’t know who would want to murder the victim, but that it’s about damn time that somebody did. Your response should go something like this: “No, I don’t know who killed Chloe, but it doesn’t surprise me that she’s dead. A woman like that makes a lot of enemies.” The detectives will ask for clarification, and that’s when you admit to a motive. “Well, Chloe and I used to date. That’s before I found out she was fooling around behind my back with some loser who works down at the multiplex on Reynolds Boulevard.”
Admitting — even in a roundabout way — that you’re glad the victim is dead may seem counterintuitive at first. Trust me, though; that’s how it’s done in every single episode of CSI and Law & Order that I’ve seen. Now, on to step two!
As you might have guessed, the police won’t react all that positively after you’ve admitted to having a motive. In fact, one of the detectives (we’ll call him or her the “bad cop”) will probably shoot back with something like, “So, that’s why you killed Chloe, huh? You were jealous that she left you for another man. Oldest story in the book.”
Don’t panic! The entire reason we have a Constitution in the United States is to protect murderers in situations just like this. It’s time to get smug — maybe even sneer at the detective. Or, if you prefer, just laugh off his accusation. Then, inform him that you know your rights. Try saying something like this: “Am I being held as a suspect? Are you placing me under arrest? No? Well, then I don’t have to answer any more of your questions, do I? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work.”
The detectives won’t like it, but here’s the best part: they can’t do anything about it. Sure, acting smug, uncooperative, and downright hostile will likely make you seem even guiltier in the eyes of the law, but rest assured, my friend; that’s the way these things are done. Now, on to step three!
A few days will pass, and you’ll eventually be called back down to the station. Be sure to bring along legal counsel this time (it’s one of those constitutional rights we mentioned in step two). Now it’s the detectives’ turn to act smug. They’ll sit you down in the same room as before and ask again if you killed the victim. “I already told you,” you’ll reply. “I had nothing to do with Chloe’s murder!”
“Well, that’s not what the evidence says,” they’ll reply. “We found traces of your DNA on the Twizzler garotte and the victim. And we have a witness that says he saw you at the multiplex on Reynolds Boulevard purchasing the Twizzlers from the snack bar. Now, are you ready to tell us why you killed Chloe?”
At this point, your lawyer will tell you not to answer any further questions. Ignore him. What does he know anyway? This is the part where you stare down at your hands, shed a few tears, and recount the entire murder. How you were jealous that Chloe left you for another man. How you went to the multiplex to confront him. How you bought the Twizzlers while you were there, drove back to Chloe’s house, and then strangled her with the candy rope.
Yes, you could go to trial and let a jury weigh in on whether or not you’re guilty, but where’s the fun in that? At this point, you might want to turn to one of the detectives and implore, “Come on — any man would have done the same thing in my position, right?” The detective will then snappily reply, “Any man who wanted to spend the rest of his life in prison.”
What? You thought you were going to get away with murder? Have you ever even seen a cop show? Seriously, dude, turn on your television. I bet there’s an episode of L&O on TNT right now. These cops always get their man — and always in 40 minutes or less. The good news is that if you paid close attention to these three simple steps, you’re now ready to be the “special guest star” in this week’s episode. Congratulations!
Oh, and if you live in Miami and one of the cops on the case is a weird redheaded dude with sunglasses, be prepared to hear him say at some point in the investigation, “Well, I guess that’s one mouth…Twizzlers didn’t make happy.” Then, the Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” will suddenly start up in the background. Just go with it; it’s kinda his thing.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Pop Culture | 13 Comments
Pirates of the Caribbean: At Franchise’s End
Posted on May 24, 2007
YouTube: Behind the scenes at Pirates of the Caribbean with Keira and Johnny. “Here’s a really good idea! What if we did Edward Spoonhands? Get it? No scissors. Just spoons!”
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Asides | Leave a Comment
Lost-vivor: “Through the Looking Glass”
Posted on May 24, 2007
Welcome to the twenty-second installment of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for the Lost season finale. Proceed at your own risk.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Lost-vivor | 50 Comments
The following entry takes place between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m.
Posted on May 23, 2007
Best Week Ever’s 10 Most Ludicrous Moments in the History of 24. Includes obligatory “Kim gets stalked by a cougar” entry.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Asides | Leave a Comment
Flummoxing the flimflam man
Posted on May 23, 2007
So, I was shopping for groceries earlier when a guy — maybe 25 years old, dressed like a frat kid — approached me in the pet supplies aisle. “Dude,” he implored, “I totally locked my keys in my car outside. I have a job interview in Atlanta in an hour, and I’m short on cash to hire a locksmith. Can you spot me ten bucks?” Smelling a rat, I replied (truthfully) that I didn’t have any cash on me and wished him the best of luck getting into his car.
Flash forward five minutes later. I’m wheeling my groceries out to parking lot, and I see the same guy getting into a car with an unidentified woman (presumably his girlfriend) and desperately trying not to make eye contact with me. Of course, I couldn’t resist calling out across the lot, “Dude, did you get your car unlocked?”
Embarrassed, he stammered, “Um…well, I guess it turns out that…er, it wasn’t locked after all?”
“Awesome!” I cheerfully replied. “Good luck with the interview!”
Here’s a hint, matchstick man: next time you plan to run the locksmith con, at least have the decency and common sense to park your getaway vehicle out of sight. Show your marks a little respect.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Life in a Nutshell | 5 Comments
Top 20 Star Wars Moments
Posted on May 22, 2007
The top twenty moments from the Star Wars series. Leia’s slavegirl costume conspicuously absent.
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Asides | 4 Comments
And then Jack was all like…
Posted on May 22, 2007
A screencap recap of Lost Season 3. “So it all started with some blonde chick who was upset because she couldn’t make muffins or something and we felt bad for her and we were like, ‘Aw, poor woman, don’t worry about your muffins!’” (via)
Review: “Shrek the Third”
Posted on May 22, 2007
On his deathbed, King Harold anoints Shrek (Mike Myers) the new ruler of Far Far Away — that is, unless the ambivalent ogre can find a more suitable heir to serve in his stead. Enter Arthur “Artie” Pendragon (Justin Timberlake), the King’s teenage nephew. While Shrek sets sail for distant shores with Donkey (Eddie Murphy) and Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) to retrieve Artie, the loathsome Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) gathers a band of fairy tale ne’er-do-wells and lays siege to Far Far Away, imprisoning the pregnant Fiona (Cameron Diaz) and her cadre of fellow princesses. Now Shrek must not only free Far Far Away from Charming’s clutches, but also convince a reluctant Artie to accept the crown.
(Here’s hoping that the preceding paragraph will be enough to finally earn my Children’s Movie Synopsis-Writing merit badge.)
Like the first two films in the series, Shrek the Third serves up anachronistic pop culture references galore — some of which work, some of which fall flat. The end result is a fun, if ultimately forgettable, 90 minutes of entertainment. Once again, Banderas steals the show once as Puss in Boots, while series newcomer Eric Idle makes a hilarious cameo as the hippie-wizard Merlin. Meanwhile, the film’s satiric portrayals of Snow White (Amy Poehler), Sleeping Beauty (Cheri Oteri), Rapunzel (Maya Rudolph), and Cinderella (Amy Sedaris) also offer their fair share of laughs.
As a whole, Shrek the Third really fares no better or no worse than the previous Shrek films. That being said, Princess Fiona doesn’t get anything particularly interesting to do this time around, and a few of the film’s music cues were puzzling to say the least (I’m still trying to figure out the rather morbid use of Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” at King Harold’s funeral). Sure, we can all agree that Shrek the Third probably won’t hold up as well as, say, Pixar’s animated features a decade down the road. In the here and now, however, it’s an entertaining enough entry into 2007’s summer blockbuster sweepstakes.
The verdict: B
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Pop Culture | 3 Comments
Zombie-American
Posted on May 17, 2007
Video: The Office’s Ed Helms is Glenn, the average Zombie-American just trying to live a regular life free from ridicule and scorn. (via)
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