An open letter to Jack Bauer

Posted on April 30, 2007

Dear Agent Bauer,

First, allow me express my sincere gratitude for your unwavering service to this country — specifically, saving President David Palmer’s life, preventing a nuclear bomb from detonating in Los Angeles, stopping a Mexican drug cartel from unleashing a deadly biological weapon on the United States, rescuing the former Secretary of Defense and his daughter from terrorists, exposing a conspiracy within the Logan administration to transfer nerve gas to Russian separatists, and your recent efforts to recover the suitcase nukes smuggled into the U.S. by Abu Fayed. You, sir, are a great American, and your efforts have been indispensable in our country’s war against fictional terrorists hailing from unspecified Middle Eastern countries.

That being said, I am writing to inform you that, while I remain a devoted fan of your show, I will no longer be tuning in to 24 on Monday nights. I don’t know if you’re familiar with NBC’s Heroes, but it’s one of the best new shows on television this season. Unfortunately, it also airs opposite 24. It is with a heavy heart that I inform you I’ll be tuning in to Heroes instead of 24 for the remainder of the season.

Don’t get me wrong — 24 is a great show too, and I’ll still be downloading new episodes from the iTunes Store. Yes, each episode of 24 is an action-packed thrill ride that puts many Hollywood shoot ‘em ups to shame, but I’m afraid it’s basically the same thing season after season. You uncover a plot against America, put a stop to it (against all odds), find out that the interchangeable bad guy you thought was behind the whole thing is actually working for someone else, and then you track that bad guy down and save the day. Oh, and there’s a CTU mole in there somewhere. Sure, it’s great entertainment, but I’m starting to feel like I’ve seen it all before. Heroes, on the other hand, offers engaging characters and exciting plot twists that consistently keep me coming back for more.

In closing, I trust that you will accept this difficult decision on my part even if you don’t agree with it. Moreover, I hope that you will find it in your heart not to torture me as a result of this missive. Please, I don’t know anything. I swear!

Sincerely,

P.S. It was really awesome when you killed a terrorist earlier this season by biting through his jugular vein. Seriously hardcore, dude. And not at all crazy.

P.P.S. Once again, please don’t torture me.

The fine line between stupid and clever

Posted on April 29, 2007

Video: Spinal Tap will reunite for Live Earth, and filmmaker Marty DiBergi is on hand, as always, to give us an all-new, behind-the-scenes look at the band as they prepare for the show.

Review: “Hot Fuzz”

Posted on April 27, 2007

A quick synopsis: Nicholas Angel, London’s top cop, is transferred to a sleepy village after his arrest record embitters his less capable colleagues. Assigned a dimwitted partner who’s obsessed with “classic” cop films like Point Break and Bad Boys II, Angel soon stumbles upon a sinister plot in the seemingly idyllic community.

Hot Fuzz is the latest film from the team that brought us 2004’s positively sublime Shaun of the Dead, trading in its predcessor’s skewering of zombie clichés for the fertile comedic ground of over-the-top police action movies. If you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz is an absolute must-see. It’s smart, funny, and a decent little action movie to boot. It’s so hilarious, in fact, it makes Police Academy look like Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow. Zing!

No, I have no idea what that means either.

Much of the credit for Hot Fuzz’s success goes to Simon Pegg and his downright remarkable performance as Nicholas Angel. After playing an underachieving schlub in Shaun of the Dead, I was genuinely surprised to see how adeptly Pegg played the straight man this time around. His portrayal of Angel is so no-nonsense that it’s not that hard to imagine him as England’s finest police officer following the opening montage of career highlights. Meanwhile, Nick Frost delivers big laughs as Danny Butterman, Angel’s hapless partner in crime (prevention).

All in all, Hot Fuzz is an outstanding comedy — definitely the best I’ve seen so far this year. After the letdown of Reno 911!: Miami, this was just the film I needed to renew my faith in the utter ridiculousness of Hollywood’s typical portrayal of gun-blazing, car-chasing, building-exploding, catchphrase-spewing law enforcement.

The verdict: A

My top five movies of 2007 (so far) follow after the jump.

“And all this time, I thought Googling yourself meant the other thing…”

Posted on April 27, 2007

Video: Marge Simpson discovers the Internet and promptly finds herself hooked on an MMORPG.

Create Your Own Southern-Fried Aphorism Day!

Posted on April 27, 2007

Good news, everyone! It’s April 27th, and that means it’s Create Your Own Southern-Fried Aphorism Day here at Apropos of Something. I’ll get the ball rolling with this one:

“If you can’t catch the chicken, sometimes you’ve just gotta bag yourself a hog.”

Now it’s your turn to coin your own nugget of old-timey wisdom in the comments. The best one wins a prize!*

*Void where prohibited. Which is everywhere.

Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg

Posted on April 26, 2007

YouTube: Take a walk down memory lane with thirty minutes of ’80s cartoon openings.

Lost-vivor: “D.O.C.”

Posted on April 25, 2007

Welcome to Week Eighteen of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.

When Captain America throws his mighty burrito…

Posted on April 25, 2007

Wacky News: “A doctor in a Captain America costume went from superhero to super villain when he stuffed a burrito in his tights and groped a woman in a bar.” Yes, that’s an actual quote from the article.

Mousetrap

Posted on April 25, 2007

I’m a little obsessive compulsive at times, and for whatever reason, it really flares up whenever I’m shopping for a new computer mouse. I just get totally fixated on finding the perfect mouse. Unfortunately, I have a cripplingly narrow definition of what qualifies as “perfect.”

First, it has to be corded. I don’t trust cordless mice; it just seems wrong somehow. Second, it has to have a clicky scroll wheel. Smooth scroll wheels drive me nuts. Third, the mouse can’t have any extraneous buttons. I don’t want to become reliant on some wacky feature that only my mouse has and then find myself frustrated every time I have to use a “normal” mouse without that special button. Fourth, I really prefer Microsoft and Logitech mice. I’ve had bad luck with every other company I’ve tried. Fifth, it can’t be too big. I have tiny hands (like a carny). Finally, it has to be cheap. I’m not paying more than $39.99 for a mouse. Ever.

In the words of Bill Cosby, I told you that story so I could tell you this one. My trusty mouse bought the farm yesterday. The left button jammed, and my best efforts to repair it — using the little built-in file on a pair of toenail clippers — failed. As usual, I immediately transformed into Obsessive Compulsive Jess and began the Great Mouse Hunt of 2007. My three hours (!) of shopping included stops at:

      1. Wal-Mart
      2. Target
      3. Circuit City
      4. Best Buy
      5. OfficeMax
      6. Office Depot
      7. Target (again)

At each store, I spent ten or fifteen minutes fondling their display mice, trying to find that perfect mouse. When my trek around town finally ended, I still didn’t have a mouse. In fact, I more or less gave up on finding one. Maybe I’d just wait a few months until new new models hit the shelves. In the meantime, I could practice my Windows keyboard shortcuts.

After ruminating on a mouseless future for a few hours, however, I decided to give it one more try. I went back to Best Buy and bought the opposite of my ideal mouse — a big, cordless Kensington mouse with all kinds of extra buttons. I figured it would be cathartic and maybe help me let go of this mouse obsession. So far, I’m pleased with the outcome. Of course, I cheated a little and still went for a clicky scroll wheel. There are some principles you just can’t compromise.

Oops! I almost forgot to blame my broken mouse for the dearth of new content here at Apropos of Something over the past two weeks. Yeah, broken mouse…that’s the ticket.

UPDATE: The “cathartic” mouse lasted less than 24 hours. My anal retentiveness, however, wasn’t the culprit. It seems the mouse tended to recognize right clicks as left clicks and vice versa. So, I exchanged it this afternoon for a Microsoft wireless mouse…which doesn’t work either. With the wireless receiver literally less than a foot from the mouse, it barely registers. So, now it’s back to Best Buy to make my second mouse exchange of the day. It’s a good thing I really have nothing better to do with my time.

UPDATE #2: I finally settled on a Logitech LX7 cordless mouse. I’m pleased with the performance, and all is right with the world. The Great Mouse Hunt of 2007 is at an end!

They’ll hire a dog to burn down a hospital

Posted on April 23, 2007

SNL: Everything you ever wanted to know about sloths but were afraid to ask.

Too much information

Posted on April 20, 2007

So, I called to order new cable service earlier today. Not more than five minutes into the call, a customer service rep shared the following revelation: “I was an accident. My parents only wanted two children, but then I came along!”

For real. Don’t ask me how the conversation ended up at that point; I have no freaking idea. I guess complete strangers just feel comfortable opening up to me for whatever reason. Probably because they assume I won’t blab about it to the rest of the world on my blog. Shows what they know.

Is there anything deeply personal you’d like to share? I’m all ears.

Lost-vivor: “Catch-22″

Posted on April 18, 2007

Welcome to Week Seventeen of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition! Note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.

T.J. McFakerson’s: All Your Favorites Under One Roof

Posted on April 16, 2007

I had a great idea for a new restaurant this morning. I’d call it T.J. McFakerson’s, and the entire menu would be made up of “loving tributes” to the signature dishes already offered at other popular restaurant chains. Just think of it as a “greatest hits” compilation of all your favorite restaurants. Can’t decide where to go for lunch? Come on down to T.J. McFakerson’s, where we proudly offer all your favorites under one roof!

 
Here are just a few of the menu items we’d offer at T.J. McFakerson’s:

Appetizers

Entrees

Dessert

I think this idea has legs! What other menu items would you recommend?

Welcome to my weekend

Posted on April 15, 2007

You know what sucks more than driving nine hours across six states to get an estimate for refinishing the hardwood floors in your new house? Fuming for another nine hours on the drive home because the flooring guy didn’t bother to show up for the appointment.

Sigh.

World of Warcraft: One Year Clean and Sober

Posted on April 13, 2007

Hello. My name is Jess, and I’m a recovering WoWoholic.

(”Hi, Jess!”)

Today marks the one year anniversary since I last played World of Warcraft, and it feels good to be clean. It didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time, but hindsight being what it is, I now realize that I had a serious addiction to the game. Before we went cold turkey, my wife and I were spending virtually all our free time adventuring in Azeroth. Oh, I never kept close track of the time we spent playing WoW each week, but I’m sure it approached thirty hours or more during particularly “busy” weeks.

It was a hardcore addiction. When I wasn’t playing Warcraft, I was thinking about Warcraft. My wife and I were both officers in our guild; we were in charge of scheduling the group’s nightly dungeon raids. Most of the people we considered friends were people with whom we played regularly in WoW. On one occasion, we even met up with our guildmates in real life for a cookout. Of course, we spent most of the cookout talking about Warcraft.

So, yeah — World of Warcraft pretty much consumed my life for the better part of a year. It’s probably not a coincidence that I also stopped blogging during that year. Who has time to blog when you could be standing around Ironforge trying to sell a nifty glowing sword you looted from a dragon the night before?

I’m not sure how it happened, but a year ago today, my wife and I just decided we weren’t going to play anymore. We still enjoyed the game, but something deep inside said that it was time to leave it behind. So, we said goodbye to our friends, logged off from World of Warcraft, and never logged on again. Still, there are lingering reminders of that year we spent in Azeroth:

Here’s to one year of World of Warcraft sobriety! Huzzah!

Older Entries »

© Copyright Apropos of Something • Powered by Wordpress • Using Eye Candy theme by Brian Gardner.