Posted on March 28, 2007
Welcome to Week Fourteen of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition. Here’s the deal: after each week’s Lost, I’ll award and deduct points from the characters based on their actions during the episode. I’ll tally up the Lost-vivor scores as the season progresses, and, at the end, we’ll declare a Lost Season Three champion! You can catch up on the action so far at the Lost-vivor archives.
Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.
Why do I get the feeling that “Exposé” is really going to divide the Lost fanbase? Personally, I loved the episode. In fact, it’s one of my favorites so far this season. The idea that Paulo and Nikki were these unsavory characters trying to track down $8 million in stolen diamonds — and not just annoying characters who popped up out of nowhere — was simply brilliant. They finally had a purpose. Even better, they’re dead now, so I never have to see them again. It’s a win-win! All the same, I imagine some viewers found the “buried alive” twist a little too Twilight Zone. I thought it was a nice, creepy way to end the episode — a throwback to the darker storytelling of the first season.
I’m a sucker for on-the-island flashbacks, too. How awesome was it seeing Boone, Shannon, Dr. Arzt, and Ethan again? As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the episode in the comments section. Now, let’s start slinging around some points!
| Nikki:
Nikki was a stripper?: +2
Who stripped to “Rump Shaker” by Wreckx-N-Effect: -1
No, wait. She was an actress: -1
An actress who starred opposite Lando Freakin’ Calrissian: +2
Unfortunately, her character’s catchphrase was “Razzle dazzle!”: -3
Dated some dude who’s old enough to be Céline Dion’s husband’s father: -4
Fell for the old “bracelet in a basket of rolls” trick: +2
Nikki’s a murderer? I didn’t see that coming. Looks like she got away with it, too: +3
Tricked Dr. Arzt into mapping the trajectory of the plane wreckage: +2
Found the drug plane and Pearl Station with Paulo before any of the main characters: +10
Spider attack! What are the odds she could sling that spider out of a jar and hit Paulo on the neck from five feet away?: +4
Instant karma’s gonna get ya, Nikki. Bitten by spiders; should have paid attention to Dr. Arzt: -6
Buried alive: -200
With diamonds: +5
Net gain/loss: -185
Current score: Eliminated |
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Paulo:
Paulo was a chef? He and Sayid should swap recipes sometime: +2
Poisoned food, killing Nikki’s elderly boyfriend. They don’t call him the Wolfgang Puck of Brazil for nothing: +3
Quit smoking: +1
Played Xerxes in 300: -10
Smart enough not to climb up into the drug plane. Well, at least smarter than Boone: +3
Found Pearl Station before any of the main characters, resisted taking a dump in it (for now anyway): +10
Displayed superior diving skills: +2
Found diamonds, hid them in the Pearl toilet: +5
OMG! His obsession with crapping was a clever diamond-stashing ruse all along! I take back all the mean things I’ve said in the past, Paulo. You’re a criminal mastermind: +9
Dropped his nicotine gum, tipping off Nikki in the process: -4
Paralyzed by Dr. Arzt’s spider: -6
Buried alive: -200
With diamonds: +5
Net gain/loss: -180
Current score: Eliminated |
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Charlie:
Noticed grime under Nikki’s fingernails. Charlie should audition for CSI: Mysterious Island: +2
Confessed to kidnapping Sun. It takes a brave hobbit to admit when he’s done something wrong: +3
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: 100 |
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Dr. Leslie Arzt:
He’s stranded on an island — possibly for the rest of his life — and he almost immediately starts collecting specimens of the local fauna? A geek after my own heart: +2
Folded like a cheap lawn chair the moment Nikki started flirting with him: -3
Net gain/loss: -1
Current score: NA |
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Hurley:
Beat Sawyer at ping pong (again): +1
“Paulo lied”? Dude, she totally said “paralyzed”: -2
Found Paulo’s waxy-looking corpse in the jungle: +2
Displayed considerable detective skills in his investigation of Nikki and Paulo’s deaths. Hurley is like a hairier version of Velma from Scooby Doo: +7
Net gain/loss: +8
Current score: 126 |
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Boone:
He’s been dead for two seasons and he’s still getting bossed around by his sister/secret crush: -2
Net gain/loss: -2
Current score: NA |
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Locke:
Dispensed some old school Locke wisdom (”Things don’t stay buried on this island”): +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 76 |
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Shannon:
You know, I kinda miss having Shannon around. She and Sayid made a cute couple: +3
Net gain/loss: +3
Current score: NA |
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Desmond:
Provided Hurley with vital information on Sawyer and Nikki’s argument. “I’m helpful even when I can’t use my precognitive abilities, brotha”: +1
Net gain/loss: +1
Current score: 154 |
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Sawyer:
Lost to Hurley at ping pong yet again: -1
Found Paulo’s waxy looking “corpse” in the jungle: +2
Bestowed nickname on Nikki and Paulo (”Nina and Pablo”): +2
Found the diamonds. If I were Sawyer, I’d use that eight million dollars to hire the other Losties to perform Nikki’s Exposé script for my entertainment (with Claire as Corvette and Jin playing the smooth-talking Mr. LaShade): +10
Gave the diamonds to Sun: -10
Had his scheme to gain control of the guns — and his role in Sun’s kidnapping — exposed: -8
Got back the diamonds. Exposé time!: +10
Dumped the diamonds in the grave: -10
Net gain/loss: -5
Current score: 158 |
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Jin:
Found Paulo’s waxy looking “corpse” in the jungle: +2
Net gain/loss: +2
Current score: 124 |
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Jack:
Where was Jack when they needed a physician to determine whether Paulo and Nikki were, you know, actually dead? Probably on the other side of the island playing two-hand touch with Zeke: -2
Net gain/loss: -2
Current score: 87 |
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Sun:
Given 8 million dollars worth of diamonds by Sawyer. If I were Sun, I’d use that money to build a Swiss Family Robinson-style tree house and staff it with monkey butlers: +10
Slapped Sawyer for masterminding her kidnapping last season: +3
Gave back the diamonds. Hello? Monkey butlers?: -10
Net gain/loss: +3
Current score: 113 |
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Vincent:
Tried to pull back the sheet covering Paulo and Nikki, proving he was the only member of the Scooby Gang who knew they were still alive: +4
Net gain/loss: +4
Current score: 109 |
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Nikki and Paulo weren’t exactly vying for the Lost-vivor lead, so their eliminations don’t create a major shake-up in the standings. Hurley and Charlie made respectable gains this week, while Sawyer continues to stall out in the top spot. Can Captain Nickname get back on track, or will the Psychic Scotsman eventually overtake him? Oh, and don’t count Kate out either; she’s hanging in there in third place.
After fourteen weeks of nonstop island action, here are the updated Lost-vivor standings:
- Sawyer (158) (-5)
- Desmond (154) (+1)
- Kate (134)
- Hurley (126) (+8)
- Jin (124) (+2)
- Sayid (123)
- Sun (113) (+3)
- Vincent (109) (+4)
- Claire (107)
- Charlie (100) (+5)
- Jack (87) (-2)
- Locke (76) (+1)
With that, we bring this week’s installment of Lost-vivor to a close. Kate takes center stage next week in “Left Behind.” Will our favorite fugitive continue her steady rise through the Lost-vivor ranks? Maybe. Will her flashback involve running away from some difficult situation in her past? Almost certainly. See you next time!
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Posted on March 28, 2007
THE SCENE: A Honda dealership somewhere in America. A handsome young blogger takes his car to the service department to determine why the “Check Engine” indicator light mysteriously turned on a day earlier. After hours of diagnostics, he is confronted by his mechanic.
Auto Mechanic: Sir, we figured out why your “Check Engine” light is on. It looks like you need a new transmission.
Me: Really? Roughly how much will that cost?
Auto Mechanic: Including parts and labor [taps on his computer keyboard]…$4,000.
Me: Ah, I see. Out of curiosity, how much would it cost just to disable the “Check Engine” indicator?
Auto Mechanic: Well, we can do that free of charge, sir, but –
Me: Excellent! Let’s go with that option, then.
FIN.
Posted on March 27, 2007
Wacky News: “The 50-foot robotic replica of Michael Jackson would be visible from incoming flights as it stalked the desert shooting laser beams.”
Posted on March 27, 2007
It’s a tale years in the making: the origin of everyone’s favorite crime-fighting plant enthusiast, the Bat-Botanist! Original images via Scans Daily. The Apropos Comics archive is here.
Posted on March 26, 2007
Video: Homeless James Bond investigates an evil plot by the mastermind of the vagrant underworld.
Posted on March 26, 2007
Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) is a former Marine living off the grid in the mountains of Wyoming when he’s informed of a plot to kill the president. Now, the military wants him for one last mission: to utilize his skills as one of the world’s best snipers to anticipate the time and location of the assassination attempt so it can be stopped. He’s double-crossed, however, and set up as a patsy by conspirators within the U.S. government. The subject of a nationwide manhunt, Swagger goes on the run, searching for the real killer and plotting revenge against the people who framed him.
First things first: Bob Lee Swagger is one of the worst movie character names ever (although Special Agent Nick Memphis, a rookie FBI agent who unravels the film’s conspiracy, is a close runner-up). That being said, Wahlberg brings his usual intensity to Shooter, and it’s his engaging performance that keeps things rolling — even when the plot ventures a few steps beyond the realm of plausibility toward the end.
Shooter is kind of like a season of 24 crammed into an action-packed two hours, starring Marky Mark instead of Kiefer Sutherland. Or a less European Bourne Identity with a dash of The Fugitive and a tablespoon of Oliver Stone’s JFK. It’s not perfect, but as action movies go, it’s better than most.
The verdict: B
Posted on March 24, 2007
What happened to the Emperor Palpatine after those pesky Rebels blew up the second Death Star? He started applying for jobs at a temp agency, of course!
Posted on March 23, 2007
From Stephen Hunter’s Washington Post review of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie:
“As a piece of film design, the film is first-rate; on sheer aesthetics alone, it rivals Triumph of the Will for astonishments.”
Yes, I realize that Triumph of the Will was a cinematic landmark, but is a 1930s Nazi propaganda film really the best point of reference for a movie about a bunch of anthropomorphic reptiles who like pizza and know kung-fu? Let’s just say I don’t expect “rivals Triumph of the Will!” blurbs to start popping up in television spots for TMNT anytime soon.
I’m not a professional movie reviewer, but let me see if I can fix that quote. How does this sound?
“As a piece of film design, the film is first-rate; on sheer aesthetics alone, it rivals Shrek 2 for astonishments. Cowabunga, dude!”
There. That’s better.
Posted on March 23, 2007
It seems as though Melanie “Sporty Spice” Chisholm has caved in to the mounting pressure of her status as Apropos of Something’s official public enemy number one and acquiesced to a Spice Girls reunion.
Although this site isn’t mentioned specifically in the article, I think we can all agree that its readers played a crucial role in Mel C’s change of heart. Personally, I can’t wait for the night when 4 become 5 and the Spice Girls reunite. You did the right thing, Sporty. I’m just glad my readers and I could help you see the error of your ways. Now, you’d better get to work on your dance steps if you expect to be ready to slam your body down and wind it all around in time for the reunion!
Of course, this leaves my site without an official public enemy number one, and that’s a problem. Feel free to offer any suggestions in the comments section. Me, I’m getting a little sick of that smarmy Dakota Fanning kid.
Posted on March 22, 2007
A collection of stunning high-resolution desktop wallpapers from Hamad Darwish, the same photographer Microsoft commissioned to create those oh-so-pretty backgrounds for Windows Vista. (via)
Posted on March 21, 2007
Welcome to Week Thirteen of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition. Here’s the deal: after each week’s Lost, I’ll award and deduct points from the characters based on their actions during the episode. I’ll tally up the Lost-vivor scores as the season progresses, and, at the end, we’ll declare a Lost Season Three champion! You can catch up on the action so far at the Lost-vivor archives.
Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.
I’ve been critical of Lost in recent weeks, but I thought “The Man from Tallahassee” delivered. At long last, we found out how Locke lost the use of his legs. It turns out the “mystery” was actually quite simple; his evil father pushed him out an eighth-story window. Nevertheless, it was an effective explanation that filled in another piece of Locke’s increasing tragic back-story. Moreover, I can’t say that I like the fact that Locke blew up the submarine (it certainly didn’t do him any favors in Lost-vivor), but his behavior in the past few episodes finally makes sense now (in a sick, twisted way). Locke doesn’t want to be rescued, and he’s willing to doom his fellow Flight 815 survivors to a lifetime on the island if that’s what it takes.
Meanwhile, Ben was simply amazing in this episode. His constant stream of wisecracks (”It’s not like there’s a button that says ’submerge,’ John”) added a welcome dose of levity to an otherwise grim episode. As for Jack, I have to admit I was hoping for a more sinister explanation for his behavior — maybe brainwashing or an evil twin or something kooky like that. Still, I can’t wait to see his reaction to Locke destroying the sub.
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Locke ends up staying behind with the Others rather than face his fellow castaways back at camp. I mean, who wants to explain to poor Nikki why there’s no more submarine?
Now, let’s take a look at this week’s scores!
Sayid:
Captured by the Others: -2
Sowed seed of discontent among the Others by telling Alex about her crazy French mom: +5
Net gain/loss: +3
Current score: 123 |
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Locke:
On disability for depression. Way to work the system, John: +2
Benefits suspended. Dude, you gotta go to therapy to get the phat government loot: -2
Found Ben’s cabin without much trouble: +1
Speaking of finding things without much trouble, somehow tracked down his father at a florist’s shop: +2
Now he’s running around trying to ruin some poor woman’s wedding? What a jerk: -3
Oh, wait…the marriage really was a con job. My apologies, John: +3
Got his chicken on. It’s not Mr. Cluck’s, but beggars can’t be choosers: +1
Captured by the Others while returning from the submarine: -2
Blew up the freakin’ submarine, the Lost-vivors‘ best hope of escaping the island. Smooth move, Ex-lax: -25
Pushed out an eighth-story window by his father. Tough break. Get it? Tough break? Wakka, wakka, wakka: -5
Not only did he blow up the submarine, but Ben manipulated him into doing it: -4
Uh-oh — his Dad is on the island. Locke better get out of there fast before the guy cons him out of his bone marrow: -3
Net gain/loss: -35
Current score: 75 |
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Kate:
Wanted to charge into Otherville with guns blazing. Unwise, but spunky: +1
Captured by the Others: -2
Executed the old “slip my legs through the handcuffs so I’m more comfortable” trick: +2
Jack promised to come back for her: +2
You know, before Locke blew up the freakin’ submarine: -1
Net gain/loss: +2
Current score: 134 |
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Jack:
Jack can play the piano?: +2
Made a deal with Ben to leave the island. Under normal circumstances, trusting Ben is an automatic loss of points, but it actually looked like he was going to follow through this time: +10
You know, until Locke blew up the freakin’ submarine: -5
Fell for the old “I’ll let your friends go…as soon as you’ve left the island” trick: -2
Net gain/loss: +5
Current score: 89 |
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I guess Week 13 was an unlucky number for Locke as he plummeted to last place in the Lost-vivor standings. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! And you know what that means; Jack is out of last place for the first time since the season began! Take a bow, Jack. You’ve earned it.
Here are your updated Lost-vivor standings:
- Sawyer (163)
- Desmond (153)
- Kate (134) (+2)
- Jin (122)
- Sayid (123) (+3)
- Hurley (118)
- Sun (110)
- Claire (107)
- Vincent (105)
- Nikki (97)
- Charlie (95)
- Paulo (93)
- Jack (89) (+5)
- Locke (75) (-35)
That’s it for Week Thirteen of Lost-vivor! Next week’s flashbacks will feature…wait, this can’t be right. Paulo and Nikki? Why do I get the feeling this will simultaneously be the worst episode of Lost and the best installment of Lost-vivor ever? Tune in next week to see how it turns out!
Meanwhile, with a little more than half the season behind us, would anyone like to take a stab at predicting the Lost-vivor champion? Personally, I like Vincent’s odds, but feel free to share your own prognostications in the comments.
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Posted on March 21, 2007
The Onion AV Club’s twenty-two opening-credit sequences that fit their television shows perfectly — with video evidence, of course. (via)
Posted on March 21, 2007
At least Darkseid didn’t call him Shazam. I hate it when people do that. Original image via Scans Daily. The Apropos Comics archive is here.
Posted on March 20, 2007
YouTube: Marvel Comics meets the Clerks cartoon in this animated mashup. Featuring Captain America as Dante, Daredevil as Randal, and the Silver Surfer and Galactus as Jay and Silent Bob. (via)
Posted on March 20, 2007
In 480 BC, three hundred Spartans fought against the massive Persian army at the Battle of Thermopylae. While the Spartan army eventually fell to Persia’s vastly superior numbers, it nevertheless held off Xerxes’ horde for three crucial days, buying Athens enough time to ready a naval assault that would decimate the Persian invaders. Certainly, the Battle of Thermopylae is a compelling tale — compelling enough for Frank Miller to adapt it into graphic novel form under the title 300. Now, director Zack Synder brings Miller’s work to the silver screen using all the latest in CGI wizardry. Unfortunately, the results are a mixed bag.
One thing is certain: 300 is a gorgeous film. It builds on the bluescreen techniques used in movies like Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Sin City to create a highly stylized — and oftentimes breathtaking — vision of ancient Greece. Meanwhile, the battle scenes are bloody, adrenaline-soaked affairs that raise the bar for BC-era action epics. Sure, the dialogue is cheesy, but no cheesier than Braveheart. Gerard Butler brings bucket loads of intensity to the role of Leonidas, King of the Spartans. When Butler starts yelling about freedom, you believe it.
What turned me off most about 300 (and this probably speaks as much to the source material as the film itself) is the fact that Xerxes apparently recruited his army by way of Mordor. I swore I saw a chained-up cave troll fighting for the Persians at one point. Then there was the grotesque blob with swords for hands who looked like a reject from Doom 3. We even got a hunchback who could easily win first runner-up in a Gollum lookalike contest. I understand 300 isn’t intended as a documentary on the Battle of Thermopylae, but these stylistic choices — much like the rock music that plays during some scenes — just took me out of the moment and strained my suspension of disbelief.
Oh, and Xerxes as a seven-foot-tall drag queen (played by Paulo from Lost?!) was an odd choice. Unless the director was aiming for a weird Grace Jones vibe, that is.
It’s worth seeing 300 for the special effects and action scenes alone. As far as loud, violent epics go, it’s better than most. Nevertheless, the film is burdened by its comic book roots, featuring clichéd dialogue, shallow characters, and a Persian army that’s more monster than man.
The verdict: C
