Stories my salad dressing tells me
Posted on February 10, 2007 @ 10:05 am
I always check the back of salad dressing bottles for nutritional information, but upon inspecting a bottle of Newman’s Own Lighten Up Low Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing last night, I was surprised to find the following short story included on the label:
The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race
An armada of balloons loaded with Low Fat Sesame Ginger. The starters gun — Bazooombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman’s Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft® and further than Wishbone®. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman’s Own Low Fat Sesame Ginger in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named Bitch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman’s Own Low Fat, she murmurs, “You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby”, and patting his fanny she whispers, “and no fat.”
Ooookay. That bit about her lips being “smeared with Newman’s Own Low Fat” isn’t gross or anything. And since when is it politically correct to name the female lead in your salad dressing story “Bitch”? In defense of Newman’s Own, though, the bottle I purchased had at least ditched the vaguely offensive image of Paul Newman in a bamboo hat and Fu Manchu shown above.
Listed on humor-blogs.com
Posted by Jess | Filed Under Random Musings |
7 comments so far...
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Uhhh… This can’t be real. Can it?
Hi, your little write-up has now been posted. Really glad to have you as tenant (will be adding to permanent linkies!).
Lighten up (as stated by Fu Newmanchu)
That’s messed up…I have a bottle in the fridge I’ll have to go check. By the way I love the trademark symbols after each name they mention. God forbid we read the word Kraft without realizing it’s part of a giant conglomerate of food products.
I bet they pull this as offensive..cus thats the world we live in!
Geoff: “Fu Newmanchu” may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read. Well, at least in the context of salad dressing.
Lol…My boss just brought me this salad dressin sayin…”Look what my salad dressing says” hahaha thats nutts