Apropos of Something’s Public Enemy #1: Sporty Spice

Posted on February 28, 2007

I’m officially declaring a new public enemy number one for my blog. Just read this recent news item:

Spice Girl Mel C Holds Up Reunion

Melanie Chisholm is scuppering plans for a Spice Girls reunion because she thinks her solo career is more important.

Simon Fuller, who founded the five-piece in 1994, claims Victoria Beckham, Geri Halliwell, Mel B and Emma Bunton are keen to reunite — but Mel C is refusing. He says, “Mel C thinks her solo career is bigger than the band, which is just not the case. She needs to wise up and realize a reunion would be amazing for everybody concerned.”

You’d have to reunite the zombified corpses of John and George with Ringo and Paul for a three-night stint in Madison Square Garden to have a bigger musical reunion than the Spice Girls! And Mel C (the erstwhile Sporty Spice) is holding it up? In the interest of her solo career? You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Shame on you, Mel C. All I really want — all any of us really, really want — is a zig-a-zig-ah. And you’d deny us that? You’re officially Apropos of Something’s new public enemy number one, Sporty. I hope you can live with yourself.

The Kirk Identity

Posted on February 27, 2007

Star Trek XI, starring Matt Damon as Captain James T. Kirk, Adrian Brody as Mr. Spock, and Gary Sinise as Dr. McCoy? If the rumors pan out, I could live with those choices.

Somebody queue up “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

Posted on February 27, 2007

YouTube: A collection of the corny one-liners David Caruso spouts just before the CSI: Miami theme kicks in each week. Now here’s a guy (pause, put on sunglasses)… who knows how to act.

Review: “Ghost Rider”

Posted on February 27, 2007

Ghost Rider isn’t that bad. That is, it’s not nearly as bad as I imagined when I first read they’d cast Nic Cage as the lead and then later when I actually saw the trailers. Cage is a little twitchy as Johnny Blaze, a motorcycle stunt driver who sells his soul to the devil in exchange for a flaming skull, but he brings enough interesting quirks to the character to almost make it work. Eva Mendez, on the other hand, is completely forgettable as Johnny’s childhood sweetheart, Roxie. She’s there, it seems, only because every superhero needs a girlfriend — even the demonic, Hell-spawned ones.

The film plays out like a video game, as Ghost Rider must defeat a series of mini-bosses until he eventually works his way up to the demonic final-stage boss, Blackheart (played by Wes Bentley). Ghost Rider even has a special finishing move: the Penance Stare. Unfortunately, the fight scenes are rather anticlimactic, lasting a minute or two at most and failing to showcase Ghost Rider’s unique abilities. In a film that so clearly chooses action over plot and character, it’s a good idea to at least make the action compelling. Instead, the fight scenes in Ghost Rider mostly consist of Ol’ Bonehead riding up on his flaming motorcycle, staring down the bad guy, swinging around his chain for thirty seconds, and winning the battle. Spider-Man wishes he had it this easy.

The film’s special effects measure up, and supporting actors Donal Logue and Sam Elliott put in solid performances. With a little more work on the fight scenes and a tighter script, Ghost Rider could have at least been a dumb, fun popcorn movie — the next Blade. With the film raking in cash at the box office, though, maybe they’ll have time to remedy these problems before Ghost Rider rides again in the sequel.

The verdict: C-

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 94

Posted on February 26, 2007

94. I never learned to play a musical instrument, but I possess the uncanny ability to pick out the tune to “(Way Down Upon the) Swanee River” on anything from a Fisher-Price keyboard to a piccolo. Just give me fifteen minutes of painful trial and error, and it’s on!

Archie to Kiefer: “Hit the Road, Jack!”

Posted on February 26, 2007

I love on 24 how CTU’s solution to any crisis is to set up a perimeter, even though they never work. The bad guy always slips through, and then Chloe is stuck repositioning satellites for the next fifteen minutes. Oh, well…be sure to check out the Apropos Comics archive.

Review: “Reno 911!: Miami”

Posted on February 25, 2007

As far as I’m concerned, Reno 911! is one of the funniest shows on television. It’s a testament to the cast’s talent that what could have easily been a one-note COPS parody is still going strong after four seasons. Now, with the release of Reno 911!: Miami, Dangle, Jonesy, Raineesha, and the entire Reno Sheriff’s Department make the leap to the big screen. The change in scenery, however, isn’t enough to liven up a movie that, by and large, fails to compare to some of the television show’s finest moment.

A quick synopsis: the Reno Sheriff’s Department is invited to a national police convention in Miami Beach. They arrive late to discover that an unknown party has carried out a bio attack against the convention center where all the cops are assembled, leaving Reno’s finest as the only law enforcement officers in Miami not sealed away in quarantine. So, they hit the streets and begin tackling Miami’s crime problems — ranging from reports of alligators in backyard pools to a Cuban drug lord who’s just one cliché away from introducing them to his little friend.

It’s a good setup, but there’s just too much plot in Reno 911!: Miami and not enough random 911 calls. The show’s funniest moments come when the cast interacts with Reno’s bizarre cast of local scofflaws, and there’s no reason this formula couldn’t easily translate to the film. Instead, they tried to go bigger, and the bio attack plot just wasn’t interesting enough to sustain the comedy. The movie also ramps up the sexual content significantly. While this isn’t a problem in and of itself, the raunchier parts just weren’t that funny.

Don’t get me wrong — there are some hilarious moments in Reno 911!:Miami. The cast is still phenomenally talented, and they’ve truly honed their improvisational skills in the past few years. That being said, you’d probably have more fun and get more laughs waiting saving your eight bucks for the movie ticket and waiting until the next time Comedy Central airs a marathon of the television series instead.

The verdict: C

If you could balance a flip phone on your nose, would you use it to save the world?

Posted on February 23, 2007

YouTube: Ordinary people with pointless abilities. They are…Zeroes. A hilarious Heroes parody.

My body wash is more EXTREME than yours!

Posted on February 23, 2007

Ever since I learned all about the Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race from a bottle of vinaigrette a few weeks ago, I’ve been paying closer attention to product packaging. Imagine my surprise when I found the following warning on my body wash:

Warning: Though Coast® Arctic Surf™ body wash may cause extreme invigoration, we do not recommend: hurricane surfing, Himalaya snowboarding, skyscraper bungee jumping, or telling your best buddy that his younger sister looks hot.

Man, that warning is so freakin’ EXTREME that it squeezes two colons into a single sentence! Suck it, traditional standards of English punctuation! Of course, is there any product much less EXTREME than body wash? I mean, I apply the stuff with a sponge. Sponges aren’t EXTREME. They’re the very opposite of EXTREME. They’re moderate.

Now, bathing with a lye and bleach solution, scrubbed onto your body with a porcupine duct-taped to a stick — that’s EXTREME! Body wash? A sponge? Not so much.

I’m less than impressed, Coast® Arctic Surf™ Eye Opening Body Wash.

Lost-vivor: “Stranger in a Strange Land”

Posted on February 22, 2007

Welcome to Week Nine of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition. Here’s the deal: after each week’s airing of Lost, I’ll arbitrarily award and deduct points from the characters based on their actions during the episode. I’ll tally up the Lost-vivor scores as the season progresses, and, at the end, we’ll declare a Lost Season Three champion! You can catch up on the action so far at the Lost-vivor archives.

Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.

How to Shower, Women vs. Men

Posted on February 21, 2007

YouTube: How to Shower, Women vs. Men. Eerily familiar, right down to the apricot facial scrub.

The waiting is the hardest part

Posted on February 21, 2007

Crapola.

I’m not certain, but I think I was caught running a red light by a traffic camera earlier this afternoon. The light turned yellow, and it was one of those judgment calls: do I slam on the brakes and risk getting rear-ended, or gun it and try to beat the light? I chose the latter, and about midway through the only camera-enabled signal in town, the light turned red.

Of course, I won’t know if I was caught until a citation arrives — or doesn’t arrive — in the mail sometime during the next month. What’s depressing, though, is that I always imagined doing something really awesome if I were ever caught by a traffic camera. You know, flipping the bird. Or mooning the camera. Or chugging a 40 ounce. Or wearing a gorilla suit. Instead, all I managed was a shot of me leaning over the steering wheel, nervously looking up to see if the light had changed yet.

What a bummer.

Pardon the small pieces of Web server scattered about

Posted on February 20, 2007

My apologies if Apropos of Something is running slowly — or not at all — today. It seems my entry on bald female celebrities has brought a server-crushing deluge of traffic to the site. So far, I’ve been Boing Boing’ed, Washington Post’ed, Salon’ed and, most intriguingly, GorillaMask’ed. The traffic shows no sign of stopping at the moment, but my server guru is on the case, cracking his whip on the small family of server gophers that powers the site and pleading earnestly with them to keep up the hard work until another celebrity does something stupid and draws the Web’s attention elsewhere. Toodles!

Eight Women Who Look Better Bald Than Britney

Posted on February 19, 2007

By now, I’m sure we’ve all seen the photos of Britney Spears with her newly shaven head. Amidst all the speculation about whether Britney is in the middle of a full-scale mental breakdown and if her career can recover from this latest tabloid bonanza, one thing is certain: Britney just doesn’t look that good bald. Her head isn’t all that pleasingly shaped, and her facial features lack the definition necessary to make the bald look really work for her. At best, Britney is a 2 out of 10 on the female Bald-o-meter.

That being said, here’s a quick guide to eight women who look better bald than Britney. Let me know in the comments if I left anybody out.

Persis Khambatta Why she shaved her head: Persis adopted the Kojak look to play Lieutenant Ilia, the Enterprise’s Deltan navigator, in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Why she looks better bald than Britney: According to Star Trek: The Motion Picture, the bald Deltan race is so highly sexual that Starfleet requires them to take an oath of celibacy before joining. Otherwise, as Ilia demonstrates, they can prove too distracting to fellow officers. Plus, Ilia had that cool reverb effect on her voice after she was abducted and replaced by V’ger. Britney is known for working with voice filters, too, but they mostly just result in breathy, atonal “bay-beh, bay-beh” sounds. Bald-o-meter: 9/10
Sigourney Weaver Why she shaved her head: Sigourney went bald for Alien³  when her escape pod crashed on the lice-infested penal colony of Fiorina 161. Why she looks better bald than Britney: By the third Alien flick, Ripley was a total bad ass, and Sigourney’s shaved head definitely reflected that transition. Also, to her credit, at least the creature growing inside Ripley in Alien³  wasn’t spawned by Kevin Federline. Bald-o-meter: 6/10
Sinead O’Connor Why she shaved her head: Why does Sinead do anything? You tell me. Why she looks better bald than Britney: If you take away the craziness, the controversy, and pretty much every song other than “Nothing Compares 2 U,” Sinead O’Connor is actually kinda cute. While Sinead took some ribbing for her shaved head when she first burst onto the scene in 1990, the look has become her trademark. You know, that and ripping up pictures of the Pope. Hmm…maybe it’s time for Britney to strike while the iron is hot and cover “Nothing Compares 2 U.” Bald-o-meter: 7/10
Demi Moore Why she shaved her head: Demi received her buzz cut while portraying the first woman to undergo Navy SEAL training in 1997’s G.I. Jane. Why she looks better bald than Britney: Remember Demi busting out those one-handed push-ups in G.I. Jane? Eat your heart out, Jack Palance! What’s that…Jack Palance passed away? Oh. Sorry. Anyway, Demi gets ass-kicking cred for her awesome crew cut, and just look at her today…happily married to Ashton Kutcher. Wait — is that better or worse than being divorced from Kevin Federline? I’m confused. Bald-o-meter: 6/10
Robin Tunney Why she shaved her head: Her character Debra in Empire Records was tired of being invisible, so she broke out the clippers and increased her visibility. Why she looks better bald than Britney: Well, it was the 1990s and Empire Records really managed to capture the spirit of the times — at least for all the disaffected, alterna-rock loving teens out there. At the time, Robin shaving her head seemed like the ultimate expression of “f–k the man” rebellion. If this were 1994, maybe Britney could reinvent herself as a Ani DiFranco rocker in the wake of her head-shaving. Unfortunately, it’s 2007, and Britney is still about three tattoos short of P!nk on the hardcore punk chick scale. Bald-o-meter: 7/10
Kylie Minogue Why she shaved her head: Sadly, Kylie was diagnosed with breast cancer in mid-2005. She debuted her close-cropped look a few months later following chemotherapy. Why she looks better bald than Britney: Come on — just look at that picture to the right. Kylie is absolutely adorable! The good news is that she’s feeling healthy again and is back to performing around the world. Sorry, Brit — you never stood a chance against Australia’s favorite pop diva. Bald-o-meter: 10/10
Natalie Portman Why she shaved her head: Natalie shocked Star Wars fanboys around the world when she shed her locks to play aspiring terrorist Evey Hammond in 2006’s V for Vendetta. Why she looks better bald than Britney: Well, not too long after shaving her head, Natalie embarked on a side career as a hardcore rapper. Somehow, I doubt Britney could pull that off. Bald-o-meter: 8/10
Jane Curtin Why she shaved her head: Okay, Jane didn’t actually shave her head for 1993’s Coneheads. You have to admit, though, that’s one heck of a bald cap. Why she looks better bald than Britney: There’s just something sexy about French women. Meanwhile, can’t you just imagine Britney inhaling an entire bag of Cheetos Coneheads-style? Bald-o-meter: 5/10

This entry shameless cross posted at humor-blogs.com

Superman: Amateur Veterinarian of Steel

Posted on February 19, 2007

So, is that dog some weird breed of dachshund, or what? Original image via Superman Through the Ages. The Apropos Comics archive is here.

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