Apropos of List-Making: 2006 in Pop Culture

Posted on December 31, 2006

It wouldn’t be the end of the year without a little list-making, right? Here are some of my favorite — and less-than-favorite — bits of pop culture from 2006.

My Top Ten Movies of 2006

Rocky Balboa — A Rocky sequel in 2006 sounded like a disaster in the making, but Rocky Balboa turned out far better than I ever expected.
 
V for Vendetta — Two reasons I liked this movie so much: 1) V was hella cool, and 2) it reminded m me once again that Natalie Portman can actually act after suffering through her wooden performances in the Star Wars prequels.
 
Little Miss Sunshine — Adorable, but not in that sickening way.

Clerks II — Where has Rosario Dawson been all of Kevin Smith’s life? She’s the first female lead Smith has ever cast that can actually deliver his rapid-fire dialogue and have it sound the least bit natural.

Jackass Number Two — Raising blunt testicular trauma to an art.

Mission: Impossible III — The best episode of Alias ever, only without Jennifer Garner crying every fifteen minutes about how hard it is to be a spy. I hated the first two Missions: Impossible, but bringing J. J. Abrams on board was enough to help me overlook the Tom Cruise factor.

Casino Royale — As much as I liked Pierce Brosnan as 007, his Bond flicks somehow managed to be at once outlandishly over-the-top, yet completely interchangeable. Casting Daniel Craig and rethinking Casino Royale as a more subtle character study helped create the best Bond film in years.

The Last Kiss — Is it so wrong that I have a tiny man-crush on Zach Braff? If so, I don’t wanna be right!

The Prestige — This film goes down as my pick for the best movie trailer of 2006. It’s also my choice for this year’s best film about Victorian-era magicians. Suck it, The Illusionist!

An Inconvenient Truth — As an educator, I someday hope to achieve Al Gore’s level of proficiency with PowerPoint.

Review: ‘Rocky Balboa’

Posted on December 28, 2006

Let me get this out of the way right off the bat: Sylvester Stallone got into amazing shape for Rocky Balboa. The dude is just thick. Perhaps even more impressive than Stallone’s 60-year-old physique, however, is the script he penned for what we can only assume is Rocky’s final send-off.

Rocky Balboa hearkens back to the “up from the streets” vibe that characterized the original Rocky, dispensing with the over-the-top slickness that permeated the later sequels. Here we find Rocky retired from the ring, the owner of a small Italian restaurant in Philly. Adrian has passed away, Rocky’s son has grown up and is struggling to live his life outside the champ’s shadow, and Paulie is still Paulie. When ESPN conducts a computer-simulated showdown between the Italian Stallion and the current champ, Mason “The Line” Dixon, Rocky unexpectedly wins. Realizing that maybe he still has “some stuff in the basement,” Rocky reapplies for a boxing license and laces up the gloves one last time.

Cue the training montage.

Start to finish, Rocky Balboa was a fantastic film, and much of the credit goes to Stallone for crafting a script that proves far less hackneyed than it sounds on paper. Also, his portrayal of Rocky is spot-on. You can’t help but love the big lug when he’s dispensing nuggets of punch-drunk wisdom and cracking his corny jokes. I’m not a diehard fan of the Rocky franchise, but I couldn’t help but get a little misty-eyed when Rocky visited Adrian’s grave. And I wanted to stand up and cheer in the theater when he finally went toe-to-toe with Dixon.

Yes, it’s a sports movie. Yes, it’s a little predictable at times. What did you expect? Despite these minor criticisms, Rocky Balboa is outstanding — easily the best film in the series since the original. Yo, Sly! You did it!

The verdict: A+

Christmas is over, but my brain is still on holiday

Posted on December 27, 2006

A Christmas dialogue, starring me and my dad:

While I’m technically back from Christmas with the folks, I think my brain is still on holiday. So, in lieu of actual blogging content, let’s play a little game of “Who Got the Most Ridiculous Christmas Present?” I’ll go first.

The most ridiculous Christmas present I received this year was a card stuffed with twenty scratch-and-win lottery tickets. I walked away with ten dollars in winnings, but at a price of a dollar per ticket, it essentially cost the gift-giver twenty dollars to give me ten bucks in cash. Clever idea, that. I suppose this is one of those cases where it’s better to receive than to give.

So, what kind of ridiculous crap ended up under the tree at your place?

Beam me up, Santa

Posted on December 23, 2006

YouTube: William Shatner explains the true meaning of Christmas to a bunch of kids. “Demand cash.”

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 86

Posted on December 22, 2006

86. I have really small hands for a guy. So small, in fact, that I have to wear women’s gloves to fit them. Ergo, I avoid gloves whenever possible since they make me feel self-conscious about the whole “tiny hands” thing.

Down goes Optimus Prime! Down goes Optimus Prime!

Posted on December 21, 2006

Sports trivia time! Did you know that famed sportscaster Howard Cosell was a Decepticon? Well, neither did I until I read Cosell’s Wikipedia entry just a few minutes ago (and if it’s in Wikipedia, it must be true). The profile included these captioned images:

John Madden is a Transformer, too? That explains so much. BOOM!

The Spirit of Christmas, Starring Bat-Botanist

Posted on December 21, 2006

As the caption box says, be sure to click the image to see the whole comic. Merry Christmas from Bat-Botanist and Apropos of Something! The Apropos Comics archive is here.

Jones Soda 2006 Holiday Pack Taste Test

Posted on December 19, 2006

Each year, Jones Soda releases its infamous Holiday Pack containing a collection of soft drinks with, ahem, “holiday themed” flavors. This year’s menu includes Turkey and Gravy Soda, Pea Soda, Dinner Roll Soda, Sweet Potato Soda, and Antacid Soda (which a disclaimer on the package warns is “non-medicinal” and “not intended to treat upset stomach, indigestion, nausea, heartburn, or diarrhea”).

Anyway, I recently managed to snag a Holiday Pack. We had a few friends over for dinner last night, and I thought a round of taste tests might make for fun after-dinner entertainment. Here are the results:
 

First Course: Pea Soda

Color: Pale green, deceptively similar to Green Apple Soda.

Bouquet: Smells vaguely like vegetables…in a sinister way.

Taste: I expected Pea to be one of the worst of the bunch, but it wasn’t so bad. Sure, you’re not going to kick back with a ice cold Pea Soda at the end of a hard day’s work, but I honestly expected spit-takes from my brave cadre of taste-testers. If I had to describe the taste, I’d call it a combination of ginger and nothing — you know, like when you get a drink from a soda fountain and the syrup is running out, so you end up with that carbonated water flavor. I expected worse, but it’s worth noting that the smell is still disconcerting enough to make the Pea Soda an unpleasant experience.

Disgust-O-Meter™:

 

Second Course: Turkey and Gravy Soda

Color: Dirty brown, not unlike when the water in your house gets shut down and then runs a little muddy when it comes back a few hours later.

Bouquet: Smells like liquid dog food. I have a bad feeling about this.

Taste: Without a doubt, Turkey and Gravy Soda is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever tasted in my life. I mean, it’s one of those things you put in your mouth and your brain immediately starts buzzing, “That doesn’t go there, stupid! Spit it out!” After sipping maybe a tablespoon of the stuff, I ran to the nearest sink, certain I was about vomit. Much to my surprise/dismay, though, I managed to keep it down. The flavor is definitely reminiscent of canned brown gravy, with an ever-so-slight meaty aftertaste. Some of my dinner guests thought Turkey and Gravy wasn’t so bad, but they’re wrong. The United Nations should classify this drink as a chemical weapon and take appropriate action against the Jones Soda company.

Disgust-O-Meter™:

 

Third Course: Sweet Potato Soda

Color: Could easily pass as orange soda.

Bouquet: Has a sweet, sugary fragrance. Far less frightening than the other varieties.

Taste: I needed a break after the Turkey and Gravy, and Sweet Potato seemed like the safest bet of the remaining flavors. It turns out I was right. As opposed to trying to capture the actual taste of sweet potatoes, Jones went with capturing the taste of sweet potato casserole, which results in a pleasant marshmallow flavor. In fact, the Sweet Potato Soda tastes remarkably like regular cream soda. Unlike the rest of the holiday pack, I’d actually drink this stuff willingly. If you drink just one ridiculously-flavored soda this holiday season, I recommend Jones Sweet Potato Soda.

Disgust-O-Meter™:

 

Fourth Course: Dinner Roll Soda

Color: A pale yellow, like watered-down lemonade.

Bouquet: No odor. At this point in the taste-testing, that’s reassuring.

Taste: I took a big swig of the Dinner Roll Soda, and was surprised to find that I didn’t taste anything. In fact, it reminded me of tonic water. Then, the aftertaste hit me. Butter. Lots of butter. Almost like movie popcorn butter — so much so that it actually made my mouth feel a little greasy. It’s difficult to describe just how gross butter-flavored soda really is, but it immediately sent me to the kitchen sink to wash out my mouth. This soda is so uniquely bad that just writing about it gives my taste buds a flashback so vivid that I can almost taste it all over again. I’m not the only one who thought it was awful, either. My wife vomited not long after the taste test ended, chalking it up to the Dinner Roll Soda.

Disgust-O-Meter™:

 

Dessert: Antacid Soda

Color: Roughly that of watered-down pink grapefruit juice or pink lemonade.

Bouquet: Yep, it smells like Pepto-Bismol. This could be bad.

Taste: I’ll give Jones credit; they packaged the Antacid Soda with a little plastic measuring cup dispenser to drive home the joke. One sip confirmed what I suspected; it tasted exactly like Pepto-Bismol, right down to the chalky aftertaste. I don’t know if this is ironic or just sad, but by the time I reached the Antacid Soda in our taste test, it actually seemed to have a mild soothing effect. No, it didn’t taste good, but after the Turkey and Gravy and Dinner Roll sodas, not tasting absolutely disgusting was good enough for me. Again, I’m not going to drink an entire bottle of the stuff, but the Antacid Soda didn’t make me want to spit it across the room either.

Disgust-O-Meter™:

 

So, to recap, the Sweet Potato Soda is halfway decent, the Pea and Antacid sodas are technically potable but not recommended, and the Turkey and Gravy and Dinner Roll sodas should be avoided at all cost.

For what it’s worth, if you decide to have your own Holiday Pack taste test, I wouldn’t suggest inviting friends over to join in on the “fun.” As opposed to providing the zany after-dinner entertainment I hoped it might, the taste test was so bad that I think it actually managed to ruin the evening.

In other words, don’t try this at home, kids.

Want to make millions without leaving your house? Ask me how!

Posted on December 18, 2006

Due to rising metal costs, the media recently reported that the value of the metal in U.S. coins has now surpassed that of the coins themselves. The metal contained in a penny, for instance, is worth approximately 1.12 cents at market prices, according to the U.S. Mint.

With that in mind, I would like to let you in on the ground floor of a potentially lucrative investment opportunity. From what I gather on eBay, I can get ahold of a decent smelter for around a thousand bucks. From there, at a profit of 0.12 cents per penny, we’ll only need 833,334 pennies (or $8,334) to cover start-up costs. From there, as long as metal prices stay high, it’s pure profit.

With a mere 834,166,668 pennies and a little hard work, we can clear a million bucks!

At current market values, we can obtain roughly 100 pennies for one dollar. That means we’ll need approximately $8,341,666.68 in investment capital to make our first million.

This is where all of you come into play. If you’d like to share in this unique investment opportunity and buy into the future of what I’m calling “penny-ante arbitrage,” please send a check or money order to:

For just (several thousand) pennies a day, you can’t lose!

…

What? The U.S. Mint already outlawed this?! Really? Ah, son of a crap. Never mind.

A peek inside my mind

Posted on December 16, 2006

Literally the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning: “Man, I’d kill for some moo shoo chicken right now.”

Why aren’t Chinese restaurants open for breakfast, anyway? I bet Rosie O’Donnell has something to do with it.

Friday Shuffle: Name That Tune!

Posted on December 15, 2006

Who’s in the mood for a little Friday Shuffle fun? I’ve posted a new batch of lyrics from the first fifteen songs to play when I put my iPod on shuffle this morning. Let’s see how many artists and song titles you can identify in the comments. I’ll gray out each lyrics once it’s been correctly guessed.

1. “I lit out from Reno, I was trailed by twenty hounds. Didn’t get to sleep last night ’till the morning came around.” (Tom Clancy & John)
    
2. “Drove downtown in the rain, nine thirty on a Tuesday night, just to check out the late-night record shop.” (Jeff)
    
3. “I’m so happy ’cause today I’ve found my friends. They’re in my head. I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you.” (mikelietz)
    
4. “You could see me, you can’t squeeze me. I ain’t easy, I ain’t sleazy. I got reasons why I tease ‘em, boys just come and go like seasons.” (Fran)
    
5. “She gave me some dictation, but my strength is in administration. I took down all she said. I even took down her little red dress.” (mikelietz)
    
6. “I can’t help my boogies, they get out of control. I know that you don’t care, but I want you to know.” (Tiki)
    
7. “I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch. I need your understanding, I need your love…so much.” (mikelietz)
    
8. “I’m worth a million in prizes. Yeah, I’m through with sleeping on the sidewalk, no more beating my brains. No more beating my brains. With liquor and drugs. With liquor and drugs.” (mikelietz)
    
9. “Beauty can be sad. You’re proof of that. When the damage is done, you’re damaged goods.” (Veronica)
    
10. “Johnny’s in the basement, mixing up the medicine. I’m on the pavement, thinking about the government.” (mikelietz)
     
11. “Just last night, I woke from some unconscionable dream and had it nailed to my forehead again. To keep this boat afloat, there are things you can’t afford to know. So I save all my breath for the sails.” (Heather)
     
12. “Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July and I just hit town and my throat was dry. I thought I’d stop and have myself a brew.” (Tom Clancy & John)
     
13. “I’m like Sam the butcher, bringin’ Alice the meat. I’m like Fred Flintstone, drivin’ around with both feet.” (Tom Clancy & John)
     
14. “I never loved nobody fully. Always one foot on the ground. And by protecting my heart truly, I got lost in the sounds.” (Heather)
     
15. “I opened my eyes while you were kissing me once, more than once. And you looked as sincere as a dog.” (Thud)
     

As always, using Google to cheat is the path to the Dark Side.

Happy Life Day!

Posted on December 14, 2006

YouTube: With Wookiee Life Day just around the corner, what better way to celebrate than with 1978’s infamous Star Wars Holiday Special? Watch Han and Chewie race to Kashyyyk with the Imperials in pursuit! Marvel at the Bea Arthur cameo! Hear Princess Leia sing (off-key)! Oh, and don’t miss the first ever appearance of Boba Fett.

Disgusting habits and the significant others who have them

Posted on December 12, 2006

As is often the case with traumatic events, I occasionally have flashbacks to my romantic misadventures in high school. For instance, I was just munching on some pretzels, when I remembered an ex-girlfriend with the most disgusting habit imaginable.

She’d take pretzels, suck all the salt off, and then put the soggy pretzels back in the bag for the next unsuspecting idiot (usually me) to discover.

What kind of human being does that? Seriously? I mean, we’re trying to live in a society here. You just can’t do that! For real.

Wow, I’m glad I got that off my chest after ten years. Anyone else care to share an ex’s disgusting habits with the world?

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 85

Posted on December 11, 2006

85. Both my wife and I can be overly competitive at times. Unfortunately, I combine my over-competitiveness with a penchant for trash talk. As a result, we’re very careful about placing ourselves in competitive situations.

Monopoly was the first casualty of my over-competitiveness. Apparently, I’m “too greedy and evil” when I play the board game, and I “ruin it for everyone else.” I thought that was the entire point of Monopoly.

More recently, mini-golf was also ticked off the list. Kourtney and I were playing a round about a year ago, and we were neck and neck going into the final hole. Unfortunately, her shot hit an embankment, rolled off the astroturf putting green, and fell into the artificially-blue creek running alongside the hole. Of course, I did what came naturally and declared with mock sincerity, “Aww…glub, glub.” You know, ’cause that’s the sound a golf ball would make if it were drowning.

I thought she was going to wrap her putter around my head. Needless to say, we don’t play much mini-golf anymore.

In my dreams, I plagiarize 24, the Paris Hilton sex tape, and Pirates of the Caribbean

Posted on December 11, 2006

Hallelujah! I’ve gloriously triumphed over my McRib-induced gastrointestinal issues! Nothing gets a guy back on his feet like a couple days of bedrest, a gallon or two of grape juice, and the Firefly DVD set. By all rights, I’d be pushing up daisies right now if it weren’t for the kindly ministrations of the Welch’s fruit juice company and the lovely Kaylee Frye.

I did manage to squeeze in one last round of drug-induced nightmares, though. All last night, I kept switching between these three dreams:

1. Someone has posted a bogus sex tape on YouTube, purportedly starring yours truly. I must convince my wife that it’s a fake and find the culprit behind such a fiendish plot.
    
2. I’m a pirate captain, and I’m on a treasure hunt. I finally discover the island where the treasure is buried, only to be hopelessly marooned by my first mate (played by Sean “Samwise Gamgee” Astin). Oh, and he also kidnaps my wife — technically my pirate wench in this context.
    
3. Finally, I’m at school when a small army of bad guys (terrorists? North Korean soldiers?) seize control of campus and threaten to detonate a nuclear device in one hour. I have to sneak out, steal a car, and get to my wife and dog so I can evacuate them before the bomb goes off.

Yeah, I probably need serious help.

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