If only it were true

Posted on October 31, 2006

This essay can’t possibly be real, but oh, don’t you wish it was? This post brought to you by the letters p, e and a.

*bam!* You Have Been Blessed!

Posted on October 31, 2006

4 yards each of 3 colors of tulle: $35
My whole makeup supply: $150+ (.. I like expensive eyeshadows)
Fairy wings/wand: $1

Reverting to age 5 for Halloween: PRICELESS.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Katie, Kat Scratch Fever and KSF To-Go.

Getting an early start on the linkage

Posted on October 31, 2006

I think every guy has had at least one of these moments in their lives. -MC at Culture Kills

Make Love the Apropos of Something Way

Posted on October 31, 2006

Yeah, I’m not gone yet. In fact, I’m still process of assembling my reading materials for the trip. I can’t go on vacation without toting along a small library, after all. Here’s what made the cut for Hawaii (assuming I can fit it all into my bag):

• Thud! by Terry Pratchett
• The Velocity of Honey & More Science of Everyday Life by Jay Ingram
• PopCo by Scarlett Thomas
• Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell
• Sagittarius Is Bleeding, a Battlestar Galactica tie-in by Peter David
• Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and Naked audiobooks by David Sedaris (thanks, Chase!)
• The latest issues of Blender and Wired

Okay, the guest bloggers are officially in charge now. Later, skaters — and have a happy Halloween!

Aloha!

Posted on October 31, 2006

The day is finally here…we’re off to Hawaii! I’ll be away from the blog for the next several days, but fear not! I’ve lined up a coterie of guest bloggers to post in my absence. Some are familiar faces, and others are blogging here for the first time.

Let me introduce the crew:

• Starting at point guard, put your hands together for Tracy of Laugh it Up, Fuzzball! When she’s not taking erotic photos of fungi, she’s filling in on this week’s Lost-vivor. Maybe if we’re all very nice to her, she’ll even make a few additional posts while she’s here.
   
• At center, we have Kat Scratch Fever’s very own Katie! She led the league in blocked shots last season, and this marks her debut appearance at Apropos Square Garden. You know she’s good people, though, because she was kind enough to let me write a guest post on her blog on Free for All Friday last week. Plus, she’s not above messing with the employees at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Man, I hate that place.
   
• Stepping onto the court at power forward, ladies and gentlemen — Pea of As Deep as a Puddle After a Hard Rain. Allow me to cite an excerpt from the latest entry at Pea’s blog: “If you’re not supposed to stroke them at every chance you get, why put nipples on costumes?” I think that says it all, folks. Words to live by.
   

• At forward, hailing from the far reaches of frozen Canada, allow me to introduce Datadog and his Box of Mystery! You might remember him from his brilliant re-enactment of The Breakfast Club with hammerhead sharks, but I’m an even bigger fan of his twisted Ducktales cartoons. Quackaroonie, Uncle Scrooge!
   
• Rounding out our starting five, give a warm welcome to shooting guard “Miracle” Matt from Culture kills…wait, I mean cutlery. Currently, the front page of Matt’s blog features posts about zombies and video games, as well as a homemade comic strip. How could I not invite him to guest blog?

And that’s the all-star crew! Thanks again for covering for me, guys. I’ll turn the blog over to you now, and I’ll see you soon!

(I’ve Got) The Swollen Uvula Blues

Posted on October 29, 2006

Ugh. I woke up early this morning with a sore throat and a swollen uvula (also known as “that dangly thing in the back of my throat”). It’s so swollen, in fact, that I can actually feel it sitting there on the back of my tongue.

Does this happen to anyone else, or am I just a freak of nature? Either way, it’s at once both disgusting and disturbing.

It’s disgusturbing.

Image via Flickr user aileron.

Bustin’ a cap in Skeletor’s ass

Posted on October 28, 2006

MP3: Ludacris rhymes over the theme from He-Man. For real real, not for play play. (via)

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 78

Posted on October 27, 2006

78. My all-time favorite cartoons are The Simpsons, Futurama, and Batman: The Animated Series. Oh, and I’m one of those people who doesn’t like Family Guy. Let the hate mail begin.

Friday Shuffle Guessing Game

Posted on October 27, 2006

Who’s in the mood for a little Friday Shuffle fun? I’ve posted a new batch of lyrics from the first fifteen songs to play when I put my iPod on shuffle this morning. Let’s see how many artists and song titles you can identify in the comments. I’ll gray out each lyrics once it’s been correctly guessed.

1. “How much did you pay for the chunk of his guitar, the one he ruthlessly smashed at the end of the show? And how much will he pay for a brand new guitar, one which he’ll ruthlessly smash at the end of another show?” (Jmanna)
    
2. “Oh, I’ll settle down with some old story about a boy who’s just like me. Thought there was love in everything and everyone, you’re so naive.” (Meredith)
    
3. “That is Bach and it rocks. It’s a rock block of Bach that he learned in the school called the School of Hard Knocks.” (Thud)
    
4. “They’re forming in straight line. They’re going through a tight wind. The kids are losing their minds.” (Patrick)
    
5. “Think what that money could bring. I’d buy everything. Clean out Vivienne Westwood in my Galliano gown.” (Chase)
    
6. “So don’t stop, get it, get it. Until you’re cheddar header. Watch the way I navigate, a-hahahaha!” (Jeff)
    
7. “So click it or ticket, let’s see your seat belt fastened. Trunk rattlin’ like two midgets in the back seat rasslin’. Speakerboxx vibrate the tag, make it sound like aluminum cans in a bag.” (Courtney)
    
8. “Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots and ruined your black-tie affair.” (Nan)
    
9. “All you Trekkies and TV addicts, don’t mean to diss, don’t mean to bring static. All you Klingons in the #%@*ing house, grab your backstreet friend and get loud.” (John)
    
10. “So, if you’re lonely, you know I’m here waiting for you. I’m just a crosshair, I’m just a shot away from you.” (Ruko)
     
11. “Never thought I’d be alright. No, no, no! ‘Til you came and changed my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah! What was cloudy now is clear. Yeah, yeah! You’re the light that I needed.” (Warmind)
     
12. “You pretend you’re high. You pretend you’re bored. You pretend you’re anything, just to be adored.” (Thud)
     
13. “And I don’t even care to shake these zipper blues. And we don’t know just where our bones will rest. To dust I guess, forgotten and absorbed into the earth below.” (Patrick)
     
14. “My cat died, and I quickly poured myself some gin. Did she die from old age, or was it for my sins?” (Daniel)
     
15. “He’s a movie star, only drives rented cars. Met him in a bar, said I know who you are.” (Sylvia)
     

This entry loaded down with invasive spyware that will inform me if you cheat, so don’t try to Google the answers!

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 77

Posted on October 26, 2006

77. During my freshman year of college, I lost my senses of taste and smell for almost two weeks due to a chemistry experiment gone awry. At the time, I was a pre-med student and enrolled in General Chemistry. One of our labs called for me to boil a large beaker of hydrochloric acid. For whatever reason, the instructions said to smell the acid once it came to a boil. Like a total goob, I leaned under our lab’s fume hood and took a giant whiff of the noxious vapors — you know, as opposed to wafting it toward my nose like I had been instructed to do about a million times.

I immediately felt my nasal passages burning with the heat of a thousand suns. Thinking quickly, I ran to the eye wash station and tried to angle my head so the jets of water would shoot up my nose. Once the burning stopped, however, I discovered that I had no sense of taste or smell. Continuing along my gooberlicious path, I didn’t bother to consult a doctor at that point, because I felt like an idiot admitting what I did. Thankfully, my senses returned to normal after a couple of weeks.

Not long after that, I changed my major to history.

What am I going to do with all this garlic?

Posted on October 26, 2006

Good news! Just in time for Halloween, scientists prove vampires are a mathematical impossibility. No word yet on Frankensteins.

Lost-vivor: “Every Man for Himself”

Posted on October 26, 2006

Welcome to Week Four of Lost-vivor — all the mystery and adventure of Lost with an added dash of Survivor-style competition. Here’s the deal: after each week’s Lost, I’ll arbitrarily award and deduct points from the characters based on their actions during the episode. I’ll tally up the Lost-vivor scores as the season progresses, and, at the end, we’ll declare a Lost Season Three champion! You can catch up on the action so far here.

After the jump, I’ll share my thoughts on “Every Man for Himself” and assign points for the week. Please note that the section ahead contains spoilers for last night’s episode of Lost. Proceed at your own risk.

Now available in your grocer’s freezer

Posted on October 25, 2006

Pancakes and sausage? Okay, sure. Chocolate chips? On a stick? Say what?

Like proud Icarus, it seems Jimmy Dean has flown too close to the sun on wings of chocolate chip pancake batter.

So, if you were in the ridiculous food business, what would be your first product? Personally, I think I’d go with Teriyaki-sicles™ — all the great taste of teriyaki chicken in a cool, refreshing popsicle. Yum!

Coming soon: ‘Wife Force One’

Posted on October 24, 2006

YouTube: Wife Force One, a trailer mashup proving that Harrison Ford keeps making the same movie over and over again. (via)

I’ll get you someday, Soda Popinski!

Posted on October 24, 2006

You know what’s depressing? After almost two decades of practice, I’m no better at video games today than I was as a ten-year-old.

When I was ten, one of my favorite Nintendo games was Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! I was never particularly good at the game. Success required good timing and the ability to discern your opponents’ patterns of attack — neither of which was my strong suit as a kid. No matter how many times I tried, I could never beat Soda Popinski (pictured right with his bubble-gum pink skin). After much frustration, I gave up and moved on to other NES games. But Soda Popinski still haunted me.

A couple of days ago, I decided I would take another crack at Punch-Out — just for old times’ sake. I was amazed at how quickly it all came back to me after almost twenty years. I worked my way up through the ranks until I finally reached my old archnemesis, Soda Popinski. BAM! He knocked me out in the first round. I tried again. And again. No luck. I still can’t beat Soda Popinski.

I’ve logged well over a thousand hours playing video games since I last faced Soda Popinski, and I still can’t beat him?!? And it’s not that I’m rusty; I zipped through the first eight or nine Punch-Out opponents in record time. I just can’t beat Soda Popinksi. With all that practice through the years, am I really not any better at video games than when I was a kid? What have I done with my life?

Hell, I’ve been trying to beat Soda Popinski for so long that the country he represents (the USSR) doesn’t even exist anymore.

I tried explaining the dilemma to my wife, and this is what she came up with: “Honey, why don’t you just play Galaga instead? You’re good at that, and it always makes you happy.”

Man, sometimes she just doesn’t get it.

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