100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 68

Posted on September 29, 2006

68. I have a slight phobia when it comes to parking garages. I attribute the fear to seeing far too many ambushes, kidnappings, and attempted vehicular homicides take place in parking garages through the years on television and in the movies. Now, every time I set foot inside a parking deck, I half expect a mysterious assailant to appear in a nondescript black sedan, roll down a tinted window, shoot me in the chest a couple of times, and then peel out.

[Ed. note -- I wrote this entry before I was hit by a car this morning. It turns out I should be afraid of crosswalks, not parking garages.]

I’m starting to feel like a possum

Posted on September 29, 2006

So, I was hit by a car this morning.

On my way to work, I stopped off at Chick-Fil-A to grab a little breakfast, hopped out of my car, and made my way across the parking lot. A gimongous SUV was stopped at the crosswalk, so I proceeded toward the restaurant without a second thought. When I was about halfway through the crosswalk, however, the driver decided to go ahead and accelerate, giving me a decent little love tap in the process.

In the driver’s defense, though, she was talking on a cell phone at the time, so she probably didn’t even see me. Oh, and if I read her lips correctly, her response when I said “Excuse me?” was a cheery “No problem!”

Thankfully, I wasn’t injured. I’m unbreakable like Bruce Willis, yo. Plus, since she was driving an SUV, the bumper was high enough to hit me in the fleshy parts as opposed to, say, the walky parts.

For those keeping score at home, this is the second time I’ve been hit in a crosswalk since moving to Georgia five years ago. At first, I chalked it up to bad luck, but I’m beginning to think maybe there’s something I just don’t get about this whole “crosswalk” concept.

Apropos Comics Rejects, Part 2

Posted on September 29, 2006

As noted before, not every Apropos Comic makes the cut. Every so often, though, I like to delve into the Apropos Rejects folder and give my readers a glimpse at what might have been (but, more often than not, really shouldn’t have been). Without further ado, I give you Super-Pope.

With the Pope in the news lately, now seemed like the right time. I don’t even want to begin pondering the theological implications of the existence of both Super-Pope and Super Jesus.

Meanwhile, you know what’s funny? People falling down.

Original image via The Green Lantern Head Injury Project (no joke). The rest of the Apropos Comics archive is here.

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 67

Posted on September 28, 2006

67. I don’t eat ketchup. It’s not that I don’t like the taste; I just haven’t found any foods yet that I think taste better with ketchup. Onion rings are a possible exception, but I still prefer them with honey mustard or ranch dressing.

Lost-vivor: Preseason Recap

Posted on September 28, 2006

Yep, I’m totally addicted to ABC’s Lost. The twists, the turns, the romance, the action — I can’t get enough. It’s all the island fun of Survivor, only with a far better script. That being said, there’s one tiny thing missing from Lost that Survivor offers: competition. Where are the winners and losers on Lost?

It’s in that spirit, that I introduce a new feature here at Apropos of Something: Lost-vivor!

Each Thursday, I’ll recap the previous night’s episode of Lost, awarding and deducting points from characters based on their actions during that episode. Let’s say that Locke throws a knife and kills a boar. That’s 8 points for Locke. Or Sawyer comes up with a clever new nickname for Hurley. Plus 3 for Sawyer. Jack goes on one of his crying jags? Minus 10. Get the picture?

I’ll tally up the Lost-vivor scores as the season progresses, and at the end, we’ll declare a Lost Season Three champion!

With the season premiere coming up next week, let’s take a few moments to recap what was going on the last time we saw our favorite Lost-vivors. Please note that the section ahead contains Season Two spoilers. Proceed at your own risk.

Zombies were people too

Posted on September 28, 2006

Photos of last week’s zombie rights march in Austin, Texas. Better still, a crew of pirates showed up to protest. (via)

Bad science + bad fiction = bad science fiction

Posted on September 27, 2006

Tired Science Fiction Tropes That Must Be Retired: Part 1 & Part 2.

100 Facts in 100 Days: Fact 66

Posted on September 26, 2006

66. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a geek. When you’re into comics, science fiction, computer games, and all the rest, it’s pretty difficult to deny. I even dabbled in Dungeons & Dragons as a kid. Thankfully, D&D taught me an important lesson that changed my life (besides introducing me to Satanism, of course). When I was maybe ten years old, my local comic book shop held a Dungeons & Dragons event where customers could come to the store, roll a character, and play through a weekend-long adventure together. I convinced my parents to let me go, and my mom dropped me off at the shop for the afternoon while she went shopping. I remember walking into the musty backroom with my small velvet pouch of polyhedral dice and being confronted by a grown man wearing a hooded cloak, holding a toy dagger, speaking in character as a halfling thief, and using a very poor approximation of ye olde English to do it. It was at that moment, as I fled from the store and tried to catch up with my mother, that I came to an important realization. It occurred to me that while it’s okay to be a geek, it’s also possible to get carried away and, you know, become a cloaked, dagger-wielding halfling. It was then that I decided I wanted to be the kind of geek who can walk among and interact with normal human beings as opposed to the kind of geek who has a collection of Lord of the Rings replica swords and speaks fluent Klingon.

Send in the FemBots!

Posted on September 26, 2006

eBay alert: Be the first to bid on this FemBot prop from Austin Powers 2! Link includes creepy/sexy (creexy?) photos.

Das Kapital

Posted on September 26, 2006

This photo, taken in Berlin, Germany, may be the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. Via Phillyist (photo by Flickr user L’Hibou).

Top Ten Sketches from ‘The State’

Posted on September 26, 2006

Remember The State? It was a brilliant sketch comedy show that aired on MTV in the mid-1990s. The series launched the career of VH1’s I Love the [Decade] mainstay Michael Ian Black, and several cast members from The State currently star in Comedy Central’s Reno 911!

After a decade with no DVD release, The State arrives today on the iTunes store! To whet your appetite, I hit YouTube to dig up videos of my ten favorite sketches from the series. The video quality is a little crummy on some of these clips, but the comedy is intact.
 

 
Here’s hoping that MTV will follow up on the iTunes release with a full-fledged The State DVD collection.

Marmaduke is larger than most dogs

Posted on September 26, 2006

Ever feel like you’re just missing out on the subtle comedic stylings of Marmaduke comics? Thank goodness we have Marmaduke Explained around to shed a little light on these one-panel gems. (via)

Mission Improbable

Posted on September 25, 2006

I’m engaging in what promises to be a daring covert ops mission at school this morning. The objective: penetrate my department’s defenses, make roughly 700 personal photocopies, and get out undetected. The complications: three patrolling administrative assistants, a copier access code that may or may not be a year out of date, and a dissertation committee comprised of four professors that I’m desperately trying to avoid.

Luckily, I’m armed with an anonymous benefactor’s copier code as a backup. Oh, and I have one of those winch thingies in case I need to lower myself from any ceilings. That being said, if you don’t hear from me in the next 48 hours, I’m likely being held captive and tortured in the department breakroom. Please send help.

Package Wars and ‘Jackass: Number Two’

Posted on September 23, 2006

While watching Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, and the rest of the Jackass: Number Two crew stagger around a darkened room and wallop each other over the head with medicine balls, I couldn’t help but think back to my college days and a little game my friends used to play. A little game called Package Wars.

Package Wars went a little something like this. We would be sitting around our dormitory suite, just hanging out and talking. While we were engrossed in the conversation, someone would sneak over to the lightswitch, turn out the lights, and yell “PACKAGE WARS!” The object of the game was then to carefully navigate around the windowless, pitch-black room and attempt to punch people in the junk while at the same time protecting one’s own junk. Yes, the goal was to land the perfect nut punch in the dark.

Surprisingly little alcohol was involved in the average game of Package Wars, but I imagine copious amounts were present at its conception.

Me, I wasn’t what you’d call a Package Wars all-star. I approached the game with the same cowardly attitude that helped me survive years of dodgeball in elementary school. Once the lights went out, I covered up my crotch with both hands, fell to the floor, crawled to a corner, and curled up in the fetal position. I usually kept my eyes closed, too. Even though it was dark, it seemed to help.

Of course, there are no winning strategies in Package Wars. Everyone’s a loser by default, just for playing.

Speaking of winning, I was never sure if the winner was the guy who landed the most punches or the last man standing or what. All I know is that Package Wars usually ended after about five minutes with five or six of us rolling around on the floor moaning in agony.

In that time-honored spirit of a bunch of guys getting together and doing stupid shit, I thought Jackass: Number Two was hilarious. If you can tolerate the whole Jackass concept (and if you can’t, you’re probably a better person for it), the stunts and gags are crazier and even more creative this outing. As expected, the film pushes the boundaries of taste in nearly every segment. On multiple occasions, cast members ingest things that probably shouldn’t be ingested. Early in the film, a branding iron comes into play. Oh, and there’s full-frontal male midget nudity. But, that’s more or less expected at this point, right? Well, expected by everybody except that mother I saw bringing her four-year-old son (!) into the theater last night.

I hate to admit it, but I’m a Jackass fan. And it’s more than just chicken soup for my inner adolescent’s soul; the Jackass cast has an undeniable charisma, and in their best moments, there’s almost a performance art quality to the stunts. Given the film’s unique nature, Jackass: Number Two doesn’t really lend itself to direct comparison with other movies. So, I’m awarding its grade based on the degree to which it fulfilled the promise of a Jackass sequel — delivering more laughs, more thrills, more shocks, and more gross-out moments than the original.

The verdict: A

Stephen Colbert helps teens avoid wedgies, wet willies, and the dreaded rear admiral

Posted on September 22, 2006

YouTube fun: Stephen Colbert’s advice for surviving high school. On mandatory gym class showers: “Don’t get naked in front of your peers…. Not everyone develops at the same pace, and there is some laughter you can never get out of your head.”

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