Baseball players seize control of Capitol Hill
Posted on March 18, 2005 @ 11:25 am
Reports from Washington, DC, indicate that a group of major league baseball players led by slugger Mark McGwire seized control of Capitol Hill on Friday morning, taking several members of Congress hostage for currently undisclosed reasons.
The small cadre of superstars — including McGwire, Curt Schilling, and Rafael Palmeiro — were on Capitol Hill to testify before a Congressional committee investigating allegations of steroid abuse in professional baseball.
Police currently have the Capitol surrounded, and are considering options to rescue the trapped members of Congress while minimizing casualties. “It’s not an easy decision,” says Police Chief Lloyd Anderson. “Those guys in there are monsters. If this morning’s events have taught us anything, it’s that one could snap at any moment.”
Witnesses say that Friday’s hearings started off normally enough before quickly descending into violence.
“We were in the middle of the hearings when Sammy Sosa just jumped up out of his seat and started wailing on Chairman Davis (R-Virginia),” said Annie Woofter, one of a handful of support staff workers who escaped the fracas unharmed. “Before long, [the baseball players] had overrun the entire Capitol building. One of them threw Liddy Dole (R-North Carolina) halfway across the Senate chamber. I don’t know if it was ’roid rage or what, but it was absolutely crazy. I’m lucky that I got out alive.”
Some studies have suggested that performance-enhancing steroids not only increase muscle mass, but also produce heightened levels of aggression in abusers.
Witnesses say that former Oakland Athletics star Jose Canseco bowed out of the assault early after he strained a ligament in his arm while beating Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) senseless with a baseball bat. Canseco has been placed on injured reserve pending an MRI later this afternoon.
The players have yet to disclose any demands, although McGwire briefly emerged from the Capitol at 11:05AM EST to proclaim, “Come, son of Bush. Kneel before McGwire!”
Added Schilling, “Me am king of Congress now! Grr!”
Posted by Jess | Filed Under In the News |
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I believe everything but the Canseco/Kennedy incident; everyone knows that Canseco and Kennedy are longtime drinking buddies. It was actually Canseco that pulled Kennedy from the water at Chappaquiddick, but he didn’t have enough strength at the time to save Mary Jo Kopechne…which drove him to using steroids.
I vote that the most brilliant line in this whole wonderful piece of satire is this:
I would love to see Jose Conseco, Mr. 40-40 (does that represent 40 CCs of steroids in each cheek?), beat the “Chappaquiddick Kid” live on pay-per-view. That’s entertainment.
Love it! I posted a similar item on my blog this morning. Your’s is much better developed though. I had only 30 minutes to complete mine before getting the kids to school!