Mexed missages

Posted on September 30, 2004

As far as I’m concerned, the highlight of tonight’s debate was this statement from President Bush on the importance of unwavering, resolute leadership: “You cannot lead if you send mexed missages.”

My wife’s immediate response: “Can you tex-mex those missages?”

Never trust a Rodian

Posted on September 30, 2004

We can finally resolve that whole “Greedo shooting first” controversy thanks to Judge Wapner Palpatine and the Emperor’s Court.

You can read the rest of the comic here (link via Grumpy Gamer).

Japanese invention renders men obsolete

Posted on September 30, 2004

From the “Is that thing copping a feel?” division at Yahoo News, it’s the Boyfriend’s Arm Pillow (link via Fark):

I, for one, welcome our new fleece-stuffed overlords.

Burnin’ in the wind

Posted on September 29, 2004

From a Herald Sun article on the impending release of Chronicles, the first volume of Bob Dylan’s long-awaited autobiography:

Dylan, 63, says he felt trapped by the hordes of adoring fans.

“Road maps to our homestead must have been posted in all 50 states for gangs of dropouts and druggies,” he writes.

“I wanted to set fire to these people.”

Take that, dirty hippies!

Doctor Bong

Posted on September 28, 2004

You know, if site mascot Apropos Man had to have a supervillain arch nemesis, I think I’d want it to be this guy: Doctor Bong!

According to the Marvel Directory, Doctor Bong “wears a helmet shaped like a bell [Ed. note -- Really? I hadn't noticed!], and wears a large metal ball in place of his severed left hand. By striking the ball against his helmet, he creates sonic vibrations which can…paralyze a living being temporarily, create a nearly impenetrable sonic barrier, or teleport Bong or someone else in his vicinity to another location…It is not known how Bong protects himself from the adverse effects of these vibrations.”

Hmm…Doctor Bong. I wonder how the character’s creators came up with that name.

Tales from the Classroom: Hipster Doofus

Posted on September 27, 2004

What my notes said: “For the cost of a single fully-loaded Abrams M1 Tank, we could supply over 530,000 vials of insulin for diabetics in the developing world.”

What I said in class: “For the cost of single tricked-out Abrams M1 tank with 20-inch rims and a spoiler, we could supply over 530,000 vials of insulin for diabetics in the developing world.”

Roughly half the class politely chuckled at my blatant, pandering attempt to seem “hip” and “with it.” The other half was wise enough not to risk encouraging future attempts at “being down” on my part.

So, for those of you keeping score at home, my rating on the patented Apropos of Something Cool-O-Meter™ remains unchanged at a below-average two out of five.

Klingons for Kerry

Posted on September 26, 2004

This is certainly good news for Kerry, but I understand that the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk still plans to endorse President Bush in November:

Klingons for Kerry

EXCLUSIVE: Straw-poll shocker! Fierce warrior race strongly backs Democrat.

Even as John Kerry struggles to establish national-security credentials nationally, an exclusive WW straw poll shows his campaign dominating one skeptical, warlike demographic: Klingons.

The poll, conducted when the DVD release of the Star Trek fan documentary Trekkies 2 attracted Portland’s Klingon community to Tower Records on Southeast 102nd Avenue, may spell trouble for President George W. Bush. The incumbent has staked his campaign on the war on terror. But those who speak the language of the Trek warrior race — known to disdain dishonor, or quvHa’ghach — seem alienated by Iraq and other issues.

According to the poll of eight local Klingons, a whopping 75 percent support the Democratic nominee.

Two Klingons polled — or 25 percent — said they planned to write in Satan.

Bush scored an abysmal zero percent in the poll.

“A good war is based on honor, not deception,” says K’tok (Earth name: Clyde Lewis), a 40-year-old Klingon from Lair Hill. “The first warrior, President Bush, deceived us all with this war.”

(Read the rest of the article…)

Hat tip to New York Times Magazine cover girl, Wonkette.

Slumber party

Posted on September 25, 2004

There’s a been a slumber party comprised of a dozen 10-year-old girls going on next door since around five o’clock yesterday afternoon. As far as I can tell from my vantage point here in the Apropos of Something bunker, the scheduled party activities primarily consist of screaming at top lung for hours on end and attempting (with much success) to get drivers on the busy street outside to honk their horns as they pass.

Going insane in 5…4…3…2…1.

Fine, I’m insane now. Are you happy?

Shocking celebrity secret!

Posted on September 24, 2004

I always knew there was something a little strange about Ashley Olsen, and the latest issue of People only confirms my suspicions. Just check out this cover story from the magazine’s annual “best and worst dressed” edition:

If we can trust People, not only is Ashley lying about her age, but it turns out she’s a man, baby! As far as I’m concerned, that definitely qualifies “her” for the “best dressed” category. I wonder if Mary-Kate knows…

Quote of the Whenever

Posted on September 24, 2004

“I can’t. It’s too hip. Then I’d have to get a BlackBerry, and I’m wired in, and next thing you know, I’m at a Black-Eyed Peas concert with a crack problem. I just can’t go down that road.” — The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart discussing why he doesn’t blog

APROPOS EXCLUSIVE!! MUST CREDIT APROPOS!! BRITNEY’S SECRET PLAN FOR FAKE WEDDING!!

Posted on September 23, 2004

Drudge broke the story yesterday that Britney Spears possibly faked her surprise wedding to fiance Kevin Federline, citing documents uncovered by US Weekly. In an Apropos of Something exclusive, I present one of the documents in question below — a memo written by Britney Spears herself and leaked to me by an unimpeachable source at CBS News:

Clearly, the memo not only casts doubt on Britney’s recent nuptials, but also marks a significant departure from her unwavering support for President George W. Bush as chronicled in Fahrenheit 9/11.

Self-destruct

Posted on September 23, 2004

Yesterday, Apropos of Something’s host suffered its third hard-drive crash in the past several weeks. The good news: this time around, there wasn’t a week or more of downtime. The bad news: we lost data and had to revert to a backup from August.

So, that’s basically a month of posts down the drain. If you happen to notice anything that’s broken (besides my spirit), please let me know.

UPDATE (11:35AM): Thanks to the efforts of Richard and Justas (of GGC Media fame), Google, and the mighty caching ability of Opera, I’ve managed to manually recover most of September from the abyss. Whew! Thanks, guys!

In a discount store far, far away…

Posted on September 21, 2004

It’s those rare moments when I pass a grown man walking out of Best Buy with his Star Wars trilogy box set in hand and wearing a Luke Skywalker costume* that two thoughts occur to me: 1) I’m a geek, but in the grand scheme of things, there are people out there who are much worse; and 2) I really need to carry my digital camera with me at all times.

*We’re talking Luke’s “But I was going to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!” farmboy outfit here, not the all-black ensemble from Jedi.

Pavlov’s dog

Posted on September 17, 2004

Lately, the spring in my computer chair has been making a noise that sounds exactly like the default Windows XP beep. Now, every time I lean back in my seat, I hear the sound and immediately assume there’s a program alert of some sort on my system. I then compulsively proceed to tab through all the windows I have open before realizing that it’s just my chair again.

I wonder…is psychological enslavement by one’s operating system more of a techincal support concern or a customer service issue?

Public service announcement

Posted on September 17, 2004

Tornado Safety Tip #37: When tornadoes are touching down in neighboring towns, it’s probably not the best time to go out for a haircut. After all, as the severe weather reports mount, it’s likely that your barber will find it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand — namely, cutting your hair. In turn, you may very well end up with a haircut that looks like it was administered by a drunken Marine barber.

This has been an Apropos of Something public service announcement — helping you to avoid the mistakes I’ve already made.

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