A whole new meaning for the phrase “trick-or-treat”

Posted on August 21, 2004

Just a friendly reminder — there are only 69 costume-shopping days left until Halloween. If your children are tired of dressing up like witches, ghosts, pirates, princesses, and other traditional Halloween icons, why not consider one of these classy pimp and “ho” costumes for kids instead?

Putting aside the fundamental question of what kind of parents would dress their child in one of these costumes (not to mention the appropriate age at which parents should first discuss the world’s oldest profession with their kids), I have to say that’s the worst “ho” costume I’ve ever seen.

Link via Kottke.

Quote of the Whenever

Posted on August 21, 2004

“Gozer the Traveler! He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the Rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torb! Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him, that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day, I can tell you!” — Louis Tully (Rick Moranis), Ghostbusters

Pants! Glorious pants!

Posted on August 20, 2004

While shopping for a pair of khakis last night, it occurred to me that only in the world of men’s fashion would “stain-resistant” be considered a primary selling-point. Can you imagine Ann Taylor rolling out an ad campaign devoted to her new line of stain-resistant, wrinkle-free capris next spring? Apparently, men don’t want to know the cut of their pants, whether they’re pleated or flat-front, or how they’ll fit. All they care about is whether they can drop marinara sauce in their lap at lunch, splash some water on it in the restroom, and return to work with only a big wet spot on their pants to hint at their near-disaster.

Tales from the Classroom: Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Posted on August 20, 2004

I just received an update on my overcrowded classroom yesterday. It seems the Powers That Be agree that cramming forty students into a classroom that seats twenty isn’t such a great idea. So, they’ve moved me to a larger classroom. A much larger classroom — one that seats 300, to be exact. In fact, the auditorium is a free-standing building unto itself. I have my own building now.

So, instead of my forty students packed into a tiny classroom like sardines, they’ll be comfortably scattered throughout a cavernous auditorium whilst I strut and fret my hour upon the stage. I suppose it’s better than the previous arrangement, but it’s not exactly ideal either — and I still bet that I’m double-booked with another professor.

The end is nigh

Posted on August 19, 2004

Organized attacks? Laugh it up now, but when your suburb looks like The Planet of the Apes in a few months, it won’t seem nearly so funny (link via Fark).

Monkeys attack women, children

HORDES of monkeys are running wild in the Sudanese state capital Kassala, attacking women and children and looting shops for food, Al-Anbaa newspaper reported today. The groups are going on the rampage in two suburbs of the city, close to the frontier with Eritrea, the newspaper said.

The monkeys launch “organised attacks which last several hours”, targeting “bakeries and grocery stores”.

They attack women and children, run into homes, “breaking kitchen utensils and snatching food from the children” and open the doors of refrigerators to get at the food inside, according to one resident, Salah Osman al-Khedr.

(Read the rest of the article…)

Feel free to insert your own “gorilla warfare” joke here.

Gaze into my crystal ball

Posted on August 19, 2004

From CNN.com:

Two Michael Moore books due this fall

NEW YORK (AP) — Get ready for more Michael Moore this fall.

The activist, best-selling author and Academy Award-winning filmmaker has two new books coming out, publisher Simon & Schuster announced Wednesday.

“Our goal is to have both books out before Election Day,” said Simon & Schuster spokeswoman Victoria Meyer.

“The Official ‘Fahrenheit 9-11′ Reader” is a companion book to the scheduled DVD release of Moore’s controversial documentary about President Bush, the terrorist attacks and the Iraq war.

The other release is a collection of letters written to Moore from U.S. troops in Iraq, “Will They Ever Trust Us Again?”

“I’m proud to give voice to the troops who have written to me,” Moore, a leading opponent of the war and of Bush, said in a statement.

Why do I get the feeling that Will They Ever Trust Us Again? might just stir up a little controversy upon its release? If you’ll allow me to prognosticate for a moment (not about telekinetic floating brains this time), I predict that in mid-October, a soldier with a letter printed in Moore’s book will decide that he no longer feels comfortable with what he wrote and will come forward claiming that Moore edited his original correspondence. Then, for the next several days, we’ll have the distinct pleasure of hearing conservative pundits trot out all their favorite anti-Moore phrases yet again: “traitorous,” “hates America,” “aid and comfort to the enemy,” and so forth. In fact, they’ll probably find a way to incorporate the phrase “swift boat veteran,” too — just for good measure.

Title? I don’t need no stinkin’ title!

Posted on August 19, 2004

Two things I just can’t get excited about lately:

1. Eating meat straight from the bone. Over the past few years, I’ve developed a strong aversion to eating meat directly from the bone — whether it’s fried chicken, spare ribs, or whatever. For some reason, it just grosses me out; I think it’s the primitiveness of the act. Does that make me effete or just uppity? Probably both, but I’m willing to bet that when we all evolve into floating telekinetic brains someday, we probably won’t be eating baby back ribs.*

2. The Summer Olympics. The Winter Olympics are da bomb-diggity, yo.

* On the other hand, I predict that at least one floating telekinetic brain will nevertheless insist on singing Chili’s “I want my baby back, baby back, baby back…” jingle periodically just to tick me off.

Best dubbed dialogue ever

Posted on August 17, 2004

I’m watching There’s Something About Mary on FX right now, and I just heard Ben Stiller call Matt Dillon a “froggin’ ashpole.” Brilliant!

Brother, can you spare some chalk?

Posted on August 17, 2004

I just spent ten minutes at Kinko’s getting a quote on printing forty syllabi for the class I’m teaching this semester. That’s right — thanks to the university’s ongoing budget crunch (shocking, I know, in this age of economic recovery), I actually have to pay to copy my own syllabi. Here’s where things really start to make sense, though. While copying syllabi in our department is strictly verboten, we’re allowed to make literally as many copies as we want of any other handouts (for instance, supplemental readings) throughout the course of the semester.

So, I can’t make forty copies of my four-page syllabus — arguably one of the most important handouts of the entire semester — but I can copy the first thirty pages of Henry Kissinger’s Diplomacy and distribute those to my students without anyone so much as batting an eyelash.

Last semester, I snuck in under the guise of copying a “handout” and instead copied my syllabi while nobody was looking. Word on the streets, however, is that they’ve tightened security around the copy room this year. Oh, well…

“A ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world…”

Posted on August 15, 2004

UGO has posted a list of the Top Eleven G.I. Joe Villains (prompting my wife to ask, “How can you actually care about this stuff?”). Overall, they did a nice job with the list — i.e. they didn’t include Serpentor. Still, there’s room for improvement…

Saddam Sex-Change Shocker!!!

Posted on August 14, 2004

Leave it to Weekly World News to pick up on the stories that the liberal media chooses to ignore:

Love him or hate him, you have to admit: he’s got style!

Quote of the Whenever: Comment Spam Edition

Posted on August 14, 2004

“Maybe you can’t understand this, but I’ve finally found what I need to be happy, and it’s not friends. It’s things.” — Phillip J. Fry, Futurama (”A Fishful of Dollars”)

Oddly enough, somone used this quote as his dummy text in a recent comment-spamming here at Apropos of Something.

Hi-yah!

Posted on August 13, 2004

I just saw a kid at a restaurant wearing a karate gi with a camouflage belt. Apparently, he’s a camouflage belt in karate.

Mr. Miyagi is probably rolling over in his grave right now.

Only the top 6% of pies will actually be made higher

Posted on August 13, 2004

I’ve written about President Bush’s poetry before, but this time someone has saved him the trouble of writing his own poem and has instead put one together from actual Bushisms:

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

Spotted at Swirlspice.

Further proof that I’m a bad person

Posted on August 13, 2004

Pet peeve du jour: when it’s raining and I say something like, “Gee, I wish it wasn’t raining; I was going to take my dog to the park this afternoon.” Then, some amateur climatologist responds, “Yeah, but we really needed the rain.”

Thanks, Farmer Joe. Be sure to let me know how your crops turn out this year.

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