I just drank some coffee

Posted on July 31, 2004

My wife and I had lunch at Applebee’s today, and we were seated near a muted television showing Headline News. It seems that there was a problem with the closed captioning, however, because it displayed the phrase “I just drank some coffee” across the bottom of the screen for the entire meal. Every few minutes, something on the television would catch my attention. Whenever I’d look up to see what was going on, though, it turns out that the person on screen was simply proclaiming that he or she had recently finished a cup of joe.

News anchor talking about Bush and Kerry campaigning in the battleground states? “I just drank some coffee.”

Footage of Mike Tyson being knocked out in the fourth round? “I just drank some coffee.”

Orphaned Sudanese children wandering through the desert, struggling for their lives? “I just drank some coffee.”

I kept hoping that a Maxwell House commercial would air and rescue my lunch from total captioning irrelevance, but it sadly never came to pass.

That ’80s Show

Posted on July 31, 2004

Is VH1’s neverending parade of I Love the [Insert Decade Here] retrospectives not providing you with your recommended daily allotment of nostalgia? Maybe you should check out this archive of television show openings — mostly from the ’80s, with a few from other decades thrown in for good measure. In case that link is Farked, here’s another site that has much of the same content.

Looking back at the archive, I seem to recall spending an inordinate amount of time watching The Mysterious Cities of Gold on Nickelodeon as a child. After all, the series had spiffy Japanese animation, portrayed the Olmecs as an evil race of mutants, and featured three pre-teens flying around 16th-century Central and South America in a condor-shaped airship made out of gold. What more could a kid want out of a cartoon?

Meanwhile, I’ve decided that if you absolutely had to condense the cheesiness of the 1980s into a 45-second video clip set to music, you couldn’t do much better than the opening to the surprisingly non-gay-themed sitcom My Two Dads.

Brusha, brusha, brusha (cont.)

Posted on July 30, 2004

A month or so ago, I wrote about Crest’s new Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste, drawing the following analogy: “You know that taste you get when you drink orange juice right after you brush your teeth? It’s kinda like that, only more sickeningly sweet.”

After that experience, I’m not sure exactly why I decided to take the plunge and try Crest’s Cinnamon Rush toothpaste, but it turns out that it’s not half bad. In fact, I think I prefer it to traditional minty toothpastes.

So, to recap…

Fresh Citrus Breeze: Absolutely digusting
Cinnamon Rush: Surprisingly refreshing
Extreme Herbal Mint: To be determined (although “extreme” toothpaste certainly sounds promising)

I’ll take “Quote of the Whenever” for $200, Alex

Posted on July 30, 2004

“I killed a man down South once.” — Jeopardy! perma-champ Ken Jennings when asked by host Alex Trebek to reveal a deep, dark secret about himself roughly seven weeks into his reign

Spiritual enlightenment? That’s over by lawn and garden.

Posted on July 29, 2004

Hollywood’s ubiquitous fashion accessory du jour, the red Kabbalah string bracelet, is now available at your local Target for the low, low price of $25.99 (tax and Madonna’s blessing not included). That’s not a bad deal when you consider that each bracelet is “imbued with the essence of protection” and is “believed to protect against the evil eye.”

I’ll award fifteen Apropos of Something Style Points® to whomever can come up with the best competing product for Target’s archnemesis Wal-Mart in the comments.

Star running back quits NFL, cites chronic munchies

Posted on July 29, 2004

You know, I was kind of digging Ricky Williams’ early retirement from the NFL a lot more back when it was all about Ricky no longer finding professional football personally fulfilling as opposed to his more recent “Drugs are good, m’kay?” stance. Way to get that positive message out to the kids, Ricky…

Report: Williams says he failed third drug test

MIAMI (AP) — Retired Dolphins running back Ricky Williams said he failed a third drug test for marijuana use, which would cost him a four-game suspension if he decides to return to the NFL, The Miami Herald reported on its Web site Thursday.

Williams told the newspaper that marijuana played a larger role in his retirement than he indicated when he walked away after just five pro seasons. He said he learned of the failed test and possible suspension days before telling coach Dave Wannstedt last week that he was through playing.

Williams said, however, that there were “a hundred reasons” for his surprising decision to retire, and his desire to continue smoking marijuana was only one of them.

“I didn’t quit football because I failed a drug test,” he told the Herald. “I failed a drug test because I was ready to quit football.”

Williams said he’s not addicted to marijuana.

Coach Dave Wannstedt said the Dolphins have received no notification from the NFL regarding a third failed drug test, and Williams’ latest revelation caught them by surprise.

“We knew nothing about it,” Wannstedt said. “I’m totally surprised and shocked again.”

(Read the rest of the article…)

C’mon, coach — this is the third go-around. Were you really “surprised and shocked” again? When it’s all said and done, though, I don’t feel too bad for Ricky. Sure, he’s giving up the NFL salary and lucrative shoe endorsement contracts, but I’m sure Visine could always use a new spokesperson.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled, sports-free blogging.

Mmm…miniature hamburgers

Posted on July 29, 2004

Rotten Tomatoes has only posted 23 reviews so far, but is it somehow possible (perhaps as a result of some kind of rip in the space-time-comedy continuum) that Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle is shaping up to be one of the most critically-acclaimed films of the year?

Wedding bells for Lenny and Carl?

Posted on July 28, 2004

Mac links to a BBC article today revealing that a long-time Simpsons character will come out of the closet next season.

“We have a show where, to raise money, Springfield legalises gay marriage,” producer Al Jean told fans at a comic book convention.

“Homer becomes a minister by going on the internet and filling out a form. A long-time character comes out of the closet, but I’m not saying who.”

(Read the rest of the article…)

The most obvious guess would be Waylon Smithers, but since this is The Simpsons, I’m going to go out on a limb (as I already did in a comment on Mac’s original post) and bet that it’s actually Ruth Powers — the divorced, single mom that led Marge on a Thelma and Louise-esque road trip several seasons ago and who more recently turned up as a bodybuilder in the Marge-gets-hooked-on-steroids episode.

What’s your guess?

Evil, thy name is “Ann”

Posted on July 28, 2004

As something of a counterpoint to the Barack Obama quote I posted in the previous entry, let’s hear a brief excerpt from conservative pundit/succubus Ann Coulter’s recent coverage of the Democratic National Convention (thanks to Seth for calling it to my attention):

Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazened with the “F-word” are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling.

Democrats are constantly suing and slandering police as violent, fascist racists — with the exception of Boston’s police, who’ll be lauded as national heroes right up until the Democrats pack up and leave town on Friday, whereupon they’ll revert to their natural state of being fascist, racist pigs…

As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it’s because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council’s approval. Plus, it’s no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call “women” at the Democratic National Convention.

(Read the rest of the article…)

I simply can’t imagine why USA Today refused to publish the piece.

Rising star

Posted on July 28, 2004

Obamamania — catch it!

From U.S. Senate Candidate Barack Obama’s address at the Democratic National Convention:

Yet even as we speak, there are those who are preparing to divide us, the spin masters and negative ad peddlers who embrace the politics of anything goes. Well, I say to them tonight, there’s not a liberal America and a conservative America — there’s the United States of America.

There’s not a black America and white America and Latino America and Asian America; there’s the United States of America. The pundits like to slice-and-dice our country into Red States and Blue States; Red States for Republicans, Blue States for Democrats. But I’ve got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don’t like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States.

There are patriots who opposed the war in Iraq and patriots who supported it. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America.

Very nice. The Chicago Tribune has a video of the speech, and CNN.com has the full transcript.

Tales from the Classroom: The Second-Stringer

Posted on July 27, 2004

Student athletes often get a bad rap around universities. Sure, I’ll admit that there are some athletes who have about as much business in a college classroom as I have in the starting lineup for a women’s field hockey team. But, for every one or two of those stereotypical college athletes, there are a dozen or so more that genuinely work hard to do well in their classes — especially considering many of them have commitments to their respective sports programs that consume eight hours or more of their time each day.

A few years ago, while I was completing my MA and working as a teaching assistant, I had a member of the football team in one of my classes — a third-year backup safety, to be exact. He wasn’t doing particularly well in the class, but after meeting with him on a few occasions, he convinced me that he genuinely wanted to do better, but he simply didn’t have the time to devote to the class in the middle of the busy football season. So, we started meeting on a regular basis during my weekly office hours to go over his assignments and exams (much like I would do with any student who was struggling and wanted help), but his grades continued to hover somewhere in the D+/C- range. Eventually, I decided to schedule an appointment for the two of us to discuss the situation with the professor teaching the course to see if he could offer any insight.

Catgirl, starring Holly Barry

Posted on July 27, 2004

How can you tell if a movie studio doesn’t exactly stand proudly behind the film you’ve just released? Well, one clue is when your star’s name turns up misspelled on the movie’s Web advertising (currently in circulation on the UGO network):

Classy!

Ezekiel, hast thou seen mine hair gel?

Posted on July 26, 2004

UPN’s upcoming fish-out-of-water reality series Amish in the City (previously mocked here) just got about ten times more ridiculous with the release of this promotional image:

Courtesy of VH1’s Best Week Ever.

Purr-fectly dreadful

Posted on July 26, 2004

I am shocked [Ed. note -- Shocked!] that Catwoman didn’t debut at number one this weekend. Who would have thought that a Catwoman movie with no Batman, no Gotham City, no Selina Kyle, and virtually no other connection to any previous incarnation of the character aside from a penchant for fetish gear wouldn’t set the box office on fire? Maybe — and I’m just thinking out loud here — this poor showing suggests that reimagining the Green Lantern as a wacky comedy piece starring Jack Black isn’t such a bright idea after all.

By the way, Halle — next time you bump into Marisa Tomei at the biannual “How the heck did we win an Oscar?” luncheon, tell her I said hello.

Ride a painted pony, let the spinning wheel spin

Posted on July 26, 2004

My job hunt this summer didn’t exactly turn out as well as I’d hoped, and my favorite temp agency just wasn’t able to come through for me like they did last year. Still, this isn’t the first time I’ve found myself “underemployed” for the summer.

A couple of summers ago, I was in much the same situation: looking for a job to keep me busy until classes started in the fall. Searching high and low, I eventually found myself inquiring about retail positions at the local shopping mall. As I sat in the mall office, thumbing through a three-ring binder of the available jobs, a personnel drone mentioned that the mall carousel operator had just had someone quit unexpectedly and was desperately searching for someone to fill the position ASAP.

Oh, did I mention that our local mall has a faux antique carousel in its atrium?

Anyway, the personnel drone handed me a sheet of paper with the job description, and I scanned through it. The pay wasn’t exactly stellar (no surprise), but my curiosity was piqued. Working with kids? Listening to calliope music? Watching painted horses spin around and around and around, all day long? It sounded like a great way to spend the summer. Well, up until that inevitable point at which it drove me completely insane and sent me on a mall-wide killing spree. But, that was days — maybe weeks — down the road. For now, I couldn’t help but notice three simple words listed under the benefits on the sheet: “free carousel rides.”

How could I resist?

So, I went to the carousel to speak with the owner. He seemed pleasant enough and once again reiterated just how desperate he was to fill the job as soon as possible. He then walked me around the carousel and gave me a tour of the “control booth.”

“This thing’s pretty easy to run once you get the hang of it.” Really? Considering the fact that the “control booth” consisted of a single panel with a whopping two buttons — one red, one green, both roughly the size of my fist — I figured I could probably get the hang of it. Someone had even taken the time to label the big green button “Go” and the big red button “Stop.” It was like a giant Fisher-Price Carousel.

“I think I can pick it up fairly quickly,” I responded. Confidence — that’s the key!

“So, uh, do you have any experience with carousel maintenance?”

Pardon me? Carousel maintenance experience? Honestly, how many people applying for this seven-dollar-an-hour mall carousel job are going to have a background in carousel maintenance? I’d imagine that anyone with actual carousel maintenance experience is already employed somewhere — you know, working on a carousel or something.

Nevertheless, I pressed on with the interview and things seemed to go rather well. After telling me yet again that he needed someone to start within the next day or so, the carousel operator shared that I could probably expect a call in the very near future. I never heard back from him.

The moral of the story? With over twenty years of education under my belt, I’m not qualified to work as a carny. Part-time. In a shopping mall.

Why didn’t I just tell the truth and admit that I had spent the previous three summers working in Vienna as an apprentice to world-renowned carousel designer and maintenance expert Klaus Wittgenstein? I guess I just didn’t want to name drop.

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