Bonfire of the Vanities: Week 51

Posted on June 22, 2004 @ 9:25 am

Welcome to the Bonfire of the Vanities, your Reader’s Digest of the very worst the blogosphere has to offer each week. To continue my recent series of superhero-themed posts (e.g. here, here, here, and here), this week’s edition is brought to you by Johnny Storm, the Human Torch.

Flame on!

• First up, CanuckKev aanswers the age-old question of what not to do on a Saturday night. Remember, kids — alcohol and mullet wigs don’t mix.
• Meanwhile, Sean weighs in on the outcome of the NBA finals, pointing out…snzzzzz. Oops, sorry — someone was talking about the NBA, and I dozed right off. Whatever happened to that Jordan guy, anyway? He was pretty good.
• If all criminals were as inept as the one caught on camera in Gnotalex’s post, we wouldn’t need superheroes in the first place. Oh,wait — we don’t actually have superheroes, do we? Oh, well…
• The New York Times recently likened John Kerry to a “caged hamster.” What’s the only thing better than a caged hamster? As Aaron reminds us, this is the World Wide Web, and you can’t have hamsters without hamster dance.
• Barrister Peter Benson writes, “Dear Friend, I am BARRISTER PETER BENSON, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Mr. Patrick. a Citizen of your country, who used to work with Total Development Company here in Dakar, Senegal. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2001, my client, his wife and their only son were involved in a car accident Cove town, Ireland, and lost their lives. After several unsuccessful attempts to find any extended relatives, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in Transfering the Assets and Capitals, valued at US$10.5million left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Company where this huge deposits were lodged.” Unfortunately, Peter didn’t leave a link to his post.
• Last night, Jim had an epiphany. Personally, I like mine with caramel.
• Oh baby, Phelps has got what you need — if what you need is a post about Biz Markie’s classic “Just a Friend,” that is.
• Is the second photo in Pietro’s entry Michael Moore? I hear he has a movie coming out soon…
• Five-year-old comedian or not, that “my butt has a crack in it” joke (entry submitted by Bryan) never gets old.
• As far as I know, there aren’t any rules against throwing a little of my own kindling onto the Bonfire. So, without further ado, I give you my love letter to self-check-out lanes at the grocery store. You know, they’re a lot of fun — right up until you get behind that person with a cart filled beyond capacity and she takes half an hour to check herself out. Come on, lady…call in the professionals.
• Is automotive-problem blogging the new cat blogging — only without the cutesy-wutesey photos? Susie thinks so.
• Who lives in peace near the willow tree? Why, Sexual Harassment Panda! Meanwhile, Nick thinks that it could be time for a certain former president to book passage to the Island of Misfit Mascots.
• A note to would-be mayoral assassins, courtesy of Mike: don’t write a letter to the FBI asking if it would be legal if he shot Mayor Jack Ford between the eyes with a high-powered rifle from 50 feet away. After all, shouldn’t that fall under the jurisdiction of the local authorities?
• Next up, the originator on the Bonfire comes to the realization that pedophile humor

just doesn’t play in Peoria. Well, guh!

• Finally, thanks to the wonders of technology, Eric serves up the next best thing to actually sitting in a traffic jam — photos of a traffic jam! All joking aside, it’s not every day that you see a police car involved in an accident. While I certainly hope that the officer wasn’t injured, I can’t help but wonder whether he or she received a ticket.

That’s it for the Bonfire of the Vanities this week! Next week, the Bonfire will return home to Wizbang to celebrate its one-year anniversary, so be sure to check it out. Flame off!

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