pr0n!!!

Posted on June 30, 2004

For whatever reason, this image that ran on CNN.com’s front page for several hours yesterday (attached to the story “High court bars Internet porn law enforcement”) kept making me laugh.

I think it’s the literal-mindedness of the graphic that amuses me. Let’s see here…the headline says “high court,” so we’ll put a shot of the Supreme Court building in there. It also includes the word “porn,” so let’s insert a naked woman somewhere. What? We can’t have nudity? Okay, put in a woman in lingerie. Oh, wait…it’s Internet porn? Pixelate her — and throw in one of those things you use to access the Internet — you know, a computer. Now, it seems the high court has barred Internet porn law enforcement…so, uh, put one of those red circles with a slash through it around the woman. Perfect! Now, people won’t need to read the article — it’s all right there in the graphic!

It’s like watching an episode of Win, Lose or Draw without the “celebrity” teammates. Well, except for the fact that the court actually barred enforcement of the law — not the pornographic content itself. So, I guess they probably should have worked in an image of a cop handcuffing a guy who’s obviously a pervert (give him one of those moustaches — you know the ones) and put the red circle with the slash around that. Maybe that’s asking a lot for 280×210 pixels, though.

Top five movies of 2004 (mid-year edition)

Posted on June 29, 2004

It’s somewhere around mid-year, so for those keeping score at home, I thought I’d run through my five favorite movies of 2004 thus far. We’ll see how well the list holds together at year’s end.

5. The Ladykillers
It was no O Brother, Where Art Thou?, but I’m still a sucker for the Coen Brothers. Plus, it could very well be my favorite Tom Hanks performance since Joe Versus the Volcano.

4. Dodgeball
All the fun of Zoolander with out the deep, philosophical elements to weigh it down.

3. Kill Bill: Vol. 2
I had mixed feelings about Kill Bill when Vol. 1 was released, but Vol. 2 really opened my eyes and gave me a whole new appreciation for the first installment. I take back all the mean things I said, Quentin. Friends?

2. Fahrenheit 9/11
If nothing else, you would think that the conservatives labeling Fahrenheit 9/11 as nothing more than worthless propaganda would still prefer that their worthless propaganda emerge from the free market rather than being produced by Big Government, right?

1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I had high expectations for Charlie Kaufman’s follow-up to Adaptation, and Eternal Sunshine surpassed them all. Not only did the film serve up a clever story and decent performances, but Joel and Clementine’s quirky relationship may be one of my favorite screen romances of all time.

While I’m at it, I throw out an honorable mention to Hidalgo. It’s just like Cannonball Run, only with Aragorn! How could you go wrong?

As always, I’d love to hear some of your favorites…

How my mind works

Posted on June 28, 2004

When I first moved to town, Kourtney drove me around to help me get my bearings. While we were driving through the downtown area, I noticed a sign for a business and exclaimed, “You didn’t tell me this town had a kielbasa place!”

Kourtney gave me a strange look and replied, “Um…that’s a car wash.”

The name on the sign? The Perfect Polish.

Fahrenheit 9/11

Posted on June 26, 2004

I just got back from seeing Fahrenheit 9/11 in Atlanta, and it was a remarkably powerful moviegoing experience. In fact, it’s the only time I can recall ever witnessing a film receive an ovation from the audience as the credits ran.

Whether you love Michael Moore or hate him (I certainly have my own issues with his body of work), I would highly recommend checking out Fahrenheit 9/11. It’s well worth the eight bucks. For those who have already seen it, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Just when you thought politics couldn’t get more charming…

Posted on June 25, 2004

Spotted at that pesky’apostrophe:

Cheney Utters ‘F-Word’ in Senate — Aides
Reuters, Thu Jun 24, 2004 08:15 PM ET

WASHINGTON — Vice President Dick Cheney blurted out the “F word” at Democratic Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont during a heated exchange on the Senate floor, congressional aides said on Thursday.

The incident occurred on Tuesday in a terse discussion between the two that touched on politics, religion and money, with Cheney finally telling Leahy to “f— off” or “go f— yourself,” the aides said…

During their exchange, Leahy noted that Republicans had accused Democrats of being anti-Catholic because they are opposed to some of President Bush’s anti-abortion judges, the aides said.

That’s when Cheney unloaded with the “F-bomb,” aides said.

(Read the entire article…)

In a broader historical perspective, I guess Cheney’s remarks aren’t any more a breach of decorum than, say, that time in 1794 when Vice President John Adams told Speaker of the House Frederick Muhlenberg he could “cram [a proposed trade tariff] up his cornhole and walk back to Pennsylvania barefoot” for all Adams cared.

Okay, so that technically never happened, but I wouldn’t put it past Adams.

Quote of the Whenever

Posted on June 24, 2004

“The historical period ended shortly after World War II-III. Historians and others attempt to pin the tail on the reluctant monkey of change.” — Anonymous college student, Non Campus Mentis: World History According to College Students by Professor Anders Henriksson

The reluctant monkey of change. I’m so totally going to start saying that.

I pity the fool. Seriously.

Posted on June 24, 2004

Did you ever stop to wonder who in the world came up with the premise for the Mr. T cartoon of the mid-1980s? Oh, you don’t remember Mr. T’s Saturday morning cartoon? The one where T coaches a team of young gymnasts who travel around fighting crimes and solving mysteries? Well, they say a picture’s worth a thousand words…

All in all, the Mr. T-coaches-a-bunch-of-gymnasts premise made for a cartoon just ridiculous enough to make The Snorks seem like reasonable entertainment and not just an underwater rip-off of The Smurfs in comparison.

Still, how did they come up with this cartoon in the first place? I imagine someone in charge of developing the Saturday-morning lineup must have been working on two separate series originally: one about Mr. T, a white kid who dresses like him, and a dog who shares his unfortunate haircut and an entirely different cartoon about a multiethnic gymnastics team (probably created to capitalize on the popularity of Mary Lou Retton). Somewhere along the way, however, he realized that neither series could stand on its own. That’s when the lightbulb went off.

“Eureka!” he must have exclaimed to anyone within earshot. “We’ll combine the gymnastics show with the Mr. T show!”

Then, a production assistant probably wandered in and said something like, “Uh…why would Mr. T hang out with a bunch of gymnasts? It sounds creepy, if you ask me. And isn’t he wanted by the U.S. government for committing crimes during ‘Nam or something?”

“He could be…their coach! That’s it! Their coach!” replied the guy in charge, visions of dollar signs dancing in his head.

“So, uh, are kids supposed to tune in and watch Mr. T coach a bunch of kids in gymnastics? That sounds kinda boring,” the assistant likely pointed out.

“Good point, good point. We’ll have them…I don’t know…fight crime. Yes! They’ll be a team of gymnasts who fight crime alongside Mr. T! It’s pure Saturday-morning gold! Put it down for the 9:30 slot!”

Paging Professor Charles Xavier

Posted on June 23, 2004

From MSNBC.com:

Genetic mutation turns tot into superboy
5-year-old is first documented human case, scientists say

BOSTON - Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles. Not yet 5, he can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other kids his age and half their body fat.

DNA testing showed why: The boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

The discovery, reported in Thursday?s New England Journal of Medicine, represents the first documented human case of such a mutation.

(Read the rest of the article…)

I’ve read enough issues of X-Men to know that I don’t like where this is heading. First, we’ll get mutants. Then, evil mutants will start popping up. Somewhere down the road — maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow — we’ll inevitably end up with a Brotherhood of Evil Mutants bent on taking over the world, and where will we be then?

The five D’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge

Posted on June 22, 2004

Is it so wrong for me to find such an inordinate amount of joy in the fact that Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story beat out a Tom Hanks/Steven Spielberg movie at the box office this past weekend? Right or wrong, I highly recommend Dodgeball. It’s the most fun I’ve had at the theater in months.

Watching the movie, I couldn’t help but reminisce about playing dodgeball in gym while I was in elementary school. Actually, we didn’t play traditional dodgeball all that often, but rather a variation thereof known — at least back home — as War. War shared quite a bit in common with dodgeball in that the object of the game remained pelting your classmates mercilessly with projectiles, only War added in a few unique twists of its own. First, War typically broke down into two teams with roughly 30 students each. In addition, War made use of “hospitals” — tri-fold gymnastics mats stood on their ends to provide a protective barrier for each team. To staff the hospitals, a handful of students were chosen as “nurses.” Once the game was underway and a player was struck by a ball, he or she fell to the ground, “wounded.” If the nurses could make it out to the player and drag him or her back to the hospital without being hit themselves, that player was “revived.” Of course, if a nurse was hit, he or she (it was always she) was out of the game for good. As you might expect, whichever team eliminated all the other team’s players first won the game (and the all-important third-grade bragging rights).

So, to summarize, War still offered all the inherent degradation and humilation of dodgeball — just on a grander scale and with the added bonus of non-combatant casualties.

The fun didn’t stop there, though. At my elementary school, we didn’t play War with the traditional red rubber playground balls. No, we used Nerf-like sponge balls instead. Now, getting hit in the head by a sponge ball doesn’t sound nearly as painful as being hit by a rubber ball, right? Well, that would probably be the case if our school’s sponge balls weren’t nearly twenty years old (and this was circa 1985; I can’t imagine what they must be like now). As a result of their age, whenever someone would be hit by a sponge ball during War, it would release a cloud of dust, mold, spores, and God knows what else into its blast radius. Trust me, these things were the playground equivalent of biological weapons. If you were hit in the face by one of the dust-laden implements of severe discomfort, forget about it; you were as good as blinded and doubled over choking for at least the next five to ten minutes.

It’s no wonder I spent most of my War time lurking around in the back and trying to go unnoticed by the opposing team. Sure, I may have never actually eliminated an opponent, but I didn’t take too many allergy bombs to the face, either.

Ah, the good old days…

Bonfire of the Vanities: Week 51

Posted on June 22, 2004

Welcome to the Bonfire of the Vanities, your Reader’s Digest of the very worst the blogosphere has to offer each week. To continue my recent series of superhero-themed posts (e.g. here, here, here, and here), this week’s edition is brought to you by Johnny Storm, the Human Torch.

Flame on!

• First up, CanuckKev aanswers the age-old question of what not to do on a Saturday night. Remember, kids — alcohol and mullet wigs don’t mix.
• Meanwhile, Sean weighs in on the outcome of the NBA finals, pointing out…snzzzzz. Oops, sorry — someone was talking about the NBA, and I dozed right off. Whatever happened to that Jordan guy, anyway? He was pretty good.
• If all criminals were as inept as the one caught on camera in Gnotalex’s post, we wouldn’t need superheroes in the first place. Oh,wait — we don’t actually have superheroes, do we? Oh, well…
• The New York Times recently likened John Kerry to a “caged hamster.” What’s the only thing better than a caged hamster? As Aaron reminds us, this is the World Wide Web, and you can’t have hamsters without hamster dance.
• Barrister Peter Benson writes, “Dear Friend, I am BARRISTER PETER BENSON, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Mr. Patrick. a Citizen of your country, who used to work with Total Development Company here in Dakar, Senegal. Here in after shall be referred to as my client. On the 21st of April 2001, my client, his wife and their only son were involved in a car accident Cove town, Ireland, and lost their lives. After several unsuccessful attempts to find any extended relatives, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in Transfering the Assets and Capitals, valued at US$10.5million left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Company where this huge deposits were lodged.” Unfortunately, Peter didn’t leave a link to his post.
• Last night, Jim had an epiphany. Personally, I like mine with caramel.
• Oh baby, Phelps has got what you need — if what you need is a post about Biz Markie’s classic “Just a Friend,” that is.
• Is the second photo in Pietro’s entry Michael Moore? I hear he has a movie coming out soon…
• Five-year-old comedian or not, that “my butt has a crack in it” joke (entry submitted by Bryan) never gets old.
• As far as I know, there aren’t any rules against throwing a little of my own kindling onto the Bonfire. So, without further ado, I give you my love letter to self-check-out lanes at the grocery store. You know, they’re a lot of fun — right up until you get behind that person with a cart filled beyond capacity and she takes half an hour to check herself out. Come on, lady…call in the professionals.
• Is automotive-problem blogging the new cat blogging — only without the cutesy-wutesey photos? Susie thinks so.
• Who lives in peace near the willow tree? Why, Sexual Harassment Panda! Meanwhile, Nick thinks that it could be time for a certain former president to book passage to the Island of Misfit Mascots.
• A note to would-be mayoral assassins, courtesy of Mike: don’t write a letter to the FBI asking if it would be legal if he shot Mayor Jack Ford between the eyes with a high-powered rifle from 50 feet away. After all, shouldn’t that fall under the jurisdiction of the local authorities?
• Next up, the originator on the Bonfire comes to the realization that pedophile humor

just doesn’t play in Peoria. Well, guh!

• Finally, thanks to the wonders of technology, Eric serves up the next best thing to actually sitting in a traffic jam — photos of a traffic jam! All joking aside, it’s not every day that you see a police car involved in an accident. While I certainly hope that the officer wasn’t injured, I can’t help but wonder whether he or she received a ticket.

That’s it for the Bonfire of the Vanities this week! Next week, the Bonfire will return home to Wizbang to celebrate its one-year anniversary, so be sure to check it out. Flame off!

Ninjas = awesome

Posted on June 21, 2004

I never found the whole JonBenet Ramsey case particularly interesting — right up until I heard that ninjas may very well have been involved in her murder (link via that pesky’apostrophe). Suddenly, it’s the most interesting murder investigation ever.

The proportionate strength of an Indian spider

Posted on June 21, 2004

Marvel Comics and its Indian publishing licensee, Gotham Entertainment Group, are about to launch a localized version of Spider-Man, interweaving “the local customs, culture and mystery of modern India, with an eye to making Spider-Man’s mythology more relevant to this particular audience.” Unlike the one-shot British Superman I wrote about a few days ago, Indian Spider-Man (a/k/a Pavitr Prabhakar) actually looks pretty cool:

The official press release and several more images are located here (link via reader e-mail, Fark, and Boing Boing).

Crazy, but that’s how it goes

Posted on June 20, 2004

Sharon Osbourne? Sharon Osbourne? Honestly?

The most important person in rock
Ananova

Sharon Osbourne has topped a list of the most important people in rock.

The wife of rocker Ozzy masterminded the fly-on-the-wall series The Osbournes which has amassed the family an £85 million fortune. She beat the likes of Kurt Cobain and Justin Hawkins from The Darkness in the power list compiled by Kerrang! magazine.

The 51-year-old was recently given the all-clear after being diagnosed with cancer. Satan occupied second place in the list “because the Devil has all the best tunes”, the magazine said. Third was Brian Becker, boss of music giant Clear Channel Entertainment which owns most of America’s rock radio stations.

Darkness frontman Justin Hawkins was fourth, described as “the man who has single-handedly put the fun back into rock ‘n’ roll”. Controversial film-maker Michael Moore made sixth place for “continuing to inspire and inform rock’s anti-authoritarian bands”. Others who made the top 10 included late Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, Avril Lavigne and Sanctuary founder Rod Smallwood, the man who signed Iron Maiden.

Lavigne made the top 10 “for turning a new generation of pop fans into fans of all things loud and objectionable”.

Wow…that’s horrible. The only top ten list Avril Lavigne should make is the top ten most influential female Canadian pseudo-punk pop artists who insist on wearing ties and white tank tops — and even then she shouldn’t place any higher than number six.

An open letter to the Beastie Boys

Posted on June 19, 2004

Dear Mike D, MCA, and King Ad-Rock (a/k/a The Beastie Boys):

In this age of copyright infringement, I can understand your concern with others “biting your rhymes.” Allow me, however, to make a proposal. I will pledge not to bite your rhymes if you promise not to warn me against said infringement upon your intellectual property every other verse, ad nauseum, on your next album (which I imagine we can expect in the summer of 2010 if you manage to keep up with your usual schedule).

Thank you for your consideration of this proposal. Congratulations on the release of To the Five Boroughs, and best wishes!

Sincerely,

Jess

To the Batpoles, Robin!

Posted on June 18, 2004

Since I’ve been in a comic-booky mood for the past few days already, I give you this bit of Photoshop wizardry I stumbled across at PeterDavid.net yesterday:

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