The Superhuman Menace

Posted on March 28, 2004 @ 8:21 pm

J. Jonah Jameson, Editor-in-Chief, The Daily Bugle*

In my role as editor-in-chief here at the Daily Bugle, I am confronted on a daily basis with what various individuals consider the major problems that plague New York City today. All told, they run the gamut of sources of blame. Traffic, crime, climate, George Steinbrenner — the fingers have been pointed in a hundred different directions. However, I’m here to tell you that there’s one clear root for all the discontent in this once-fair metropolis. This scourge which befalls us is the superhuman menace, and it must be dealt with — promptly and for good.

Over the past several years Manhattan has turned into little more than a stomping ground for freakishly powerful superhumans. Though they group themselves into camps of good and evil, the average citizen has just as much to fear from the so-called “heroes” as we do the villains. Battling in our streets, these superhumans consider themselves above the law, dispensing justice without the “inconvenience” of having to deal with a judge or jury. Not only this, but the super-powered “heroes” residing in Manhattan only serve to attract more superhuman villains, each with a plot more devious and destructive than the last. More “heroes” leads only to more villains; the problem itself is self-perpetuating.

Furthermore, the exploits of these supermen and women damage vast amounts of real estate in our city, endangering the lives of countless citizens in the process. Last year alone, Damage Control, Inc., estimated that over $45 million worth of repairs were required in Manhattan due soley to the actions of these oafish brutes and power-hungry maniacs. While buildings are toppled by these titans, innocents are placed directly in harm’s way. For example, just a few years ago, we witnessed the Human Torch set the entire campus of Empire State University ablaze. Moreover, when was the last time we saw that gamma-irradiated freak known as the “incredible” Hulk leave a check with the local authorities after smashing up a local used car lot in an attempt to stop some supposed megalomaniac from taking over the world? Not bloody recently! The money to cover the shenanigans of these nigh-invulnerable superhumans comes directly out of the taxpayers’ pockets — our pockets!

Rogue vilgilantes and property damage are not the only problems presented by the superhuman menace. What of the cosmic abnormalities that accompany superhuman activity? In the past decade alone, New York has been subject to far more demon infestations, alien invasions, portals to the Negative Zone, and rips in the space-time continuum than I care to count. And it doesn’t end there. What is the God-fearing Christian to believe when a member of the Avengers parades around proclaiming himself as the Norse god of thunder? Also, how safe can our skies be for aircraft with all these superhumans flitting around like hummingbirds?

When the Fantastic Four — the first group of superhumans to take up residence in Manhattan — arrived on the scene, the superhuman problem was not nearly as pronounced as it is today. However, with emergence of the aforementioned Hulk, the Avengers, and the mutant freaks known as the X-Men, it is clear that superhumans are dangerous and a threat to human life. Perhaps the most dangerous of all these superhumans is the misanthrope known as the Spider-Man. Time and time again, this arachnid anarchist defies the law, engaging in criminal activities under the guise of “protecting innocents.” Why would he wear a mask in the first place if he weren’t up to something he shouldn’t be?

Furthermore, he has admittedly worked alongside known criminals like the Black Cat and the Sandman in the past. However, despite his obviously sinister intentions and my attempts to report the truth in the pages of the Daily Bugle, Spider-Man continues to be revered by the public as some sort of hero. I am here to tell you that your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is nothing more than a common street thug with super-powers — and a menace to our city!

How can will deal with these walking superhuman wrecking crews? Various attempts have been made to control the superhuman menace in the past and all have been largely unsuccessful. Military intervention is clearly not the answer, as evident in the early attempts by the U.S. Army to deal with the Hulk. Despite sending full-scale attack forces against the emerald goliath, the Hulk rendered entire tank squads little more than scrap metal in a matter of minutes. Legislation and government intervention have produced less than stellar results as well. The Mutant Registration Act and various attempts to bring the Avengers under the control of both the United States and the United Nations have both failed miserably. While there has been limited success in dealing with the mutant problem through the use of the robotic Sentinels, it is not the answer.

To put an end to the superhuman menace, we humans must unite and realize that the Spider-Men, the Hulks, the Iron Men, and the Things are not our saviors. Instead, they are the very source of the problem. When the general public begins to realize this, we will be well on our way to putting an end to the superhuman menace.

*Originally written sometime in 1999 or 2000 and never published.

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