Cult Leadership for Dummies

Posted on November 30, 2003

Author’s note: This piece was originally intended as an article for Verbosity before the webzine folded in 1997.

In 1978, more than 900 cultists in Jonestown perished after drinking cyanide-laced punch upon the order of their charismatic leader, Jim Jones. In 1993, a tense stand-off at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, Texas, ended in tragedy with 80 cult members dead in the wake of a fire of still-debated origins. Four years later, 39 Heaven’s Gate cultists committed suicide under the leadership of Marshall Applewhite to shed their earthly “containers” and join a spaceship traveling behind the Hale-Bopp comet.

Certainly, these tragic incidents received quite a bit of attention from the media. Not all cults, however, are quite so lucky. Each year, thousands of cults pop up around the world and go virtually unnoticed by society at large. Sure, you’ve looked around; unfortunately, none of the cults in your immediate area seem quite right for you. Have all of your options proven either a bit too freaky, or a tad overly-militaristic, or perhaps a little too polytheistic? What is a sensible person seeking alternative spiritual enlightenment to do? Why, start your own cult, of course!

Of course, that sounds like a daunting task. Fear not, loyal readers; Verbosity Magazine is here to help. With these simple steps, you can have your own cult up, running, and noticed in a matter of weeks. So, without further ado…

Creating Your Own Cult in Six Easy Steps

Step One: Come up with some wacky religious belief around which to base your budding religion. People aren’t going to follow you if you don’t stand out from the crowd — particularly if you’re placed in the position to eventually ask them to kill themselves (which occurs surprisingly frequently in the average cult). For instance, perhaps your cult could believe that Three’s Company is actually the holy word of the mighty Rit-tar, sent to encourage men to live with multiple female roommates.

Happy Broomcloset Day!

Posted on November 29, 2003

It’s November 29, and that means that it’s time for everyone’s second favorite November holiday: Broomcloset Day! For those not familiar with the event, today marks the eight-year anniversary of the launch of my other website, the Virtual Broomcloset. So, if you’re a fan of computer games about space janitors that reached the apex of their popularity over a decade ago, feel free to drop by and join the festivities.

Meanwhile, I just realized that last night’s entry was my one-hundredeth post here at Ye Olde Blog. Thanks to everyone out there who’s actually been reading my ramblings on a quasi-regular basis–especially those who have been so kind as to blogroll me. I have to admit that I was skeptical about this whole blogging thing at first, but like the vast majority of the blogosphere, I’m now proud to say that I’m thoroughly addicted.

Be warned that this entry is backed by NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

Posted on November 28, 2003

I recently made the terrible mistake of buying a ten-dollar copy of Civilization 3 from the Circuit City bargain bin to kill some time while my wife studies for her upcoming board exams. Needless to say, the game has consumed a ridiculous amount of my time over the past few days–just like Civilization, Civilization 2, and Alpha Centauri before it. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that I’m seriously considering asking my wife to hide the CD-ROM from me so I won’t be tempted to spend my every waking moment playing the game. If my condition doesn’t show dramatic improvement in the very near future, I think I might need an intervention.

The worst part is that I’m not even particularly enjoying playing it. In fact, playing Civilization 3 seems to put me in a bad mood more than anything else. Nevertheless, I feel compelled by some unknown force to keep slaving away at moving tiny little tiles around my screen for hours on end. Now that I think about it, though, I had almost the exact same experience with SimCity 3000. Maybe I just need to avoid the city/empire building genre altogether.

Of course, I still can’t help but laugh every time I see Emperor Ghandi threaten the Iroquois city of Moscow with stealth bombers in the year 1926, noting that his words are “backed by NUCLEAR WEAPONS!” Some things never change.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted on November 27, 2003

The lead sentence from this AP article running in the Athens Banner-Herald today:

Turkey and trots are just part of the Thanksgiving celebrations in store today.

Personally, I’m hoping that the trots won’t enter into my Thanksgiving Day festivities.

Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!

Best. Comment. Ever.

Posted on November 26, 2003

A couple of months ago, I posted an entry that discussed new technology being tested at Johns Hopkins that would allow doctors to perform virtual examinations using robots. I titled the post “Short Circuit 3″ in reference to the 1986 film starring Ally Sheedy, Steve Guttenberg, and a zany robot by the name of Johnny Five–not to mention its slightly less star-studded sequel. Anyway, someone posted the following comment on this long-forgotten entry yesterday:

hi there,

I am the head of Tristar - we own the rights to the ‘Short Circuit’ series. I know you think I am probably a ’square’ but listen up hepcats.

The next Short Circuit film is already in production - Johhny 5 is back and this time he’s just as crazy!

Without giving too much away, Johnny 5 falls in love, could it be with a new military Robot called Madonna? (Mutually Assured Destruction of Nuclear Nanite Application). I aint telling.

There are all sorts of hi-jinks as you would expect. Have you ever seen a robot dance the Macarena, you will!

Keep watching the skies.

Posted by: Head of Tristar entertainment at November 25, 2003 11:38 AM

Absolutely hilarious. Oh, and thanks for dropping by, Mr. Blake!

Free Stuff!!!

Posted on November 25, 2003

Did I mention that my department finally got desperate enough for instructors that they offered me my own section of intro to American politics for the spring semester? Well, they did, which means I’m now in the process of developing my own course for the first time–choosing textbooks, writing a syllabus, developing lectures, planning assignments, and so forth.

It’s a fair bit of work, but I’ve discovered an unexpected bonus along the way. I just found out that the publisher whose textbook I adopted is sending me a free selection of overheads, PowerPoint presentations, handouts, and other course supplements to go along with my desk copy of the textbook. How much of a dork does it make me that I’m already excited about the package arriving?

Then again, since it’s being shipped to my home address via UPS, I’ll probably never see it.

T-shirts ‘n’ smut

Posted on November 24, 2003

The “Christmas Field Guide” edition of Abercrombie and Fitch’s A&F Quarterly is available now in stores, and while I haven’t seen it myself, Snopes provides a rather thorough overview of its contents. No stranger to controversy, it seems that the popular clothing retailer has gone all-out for its holiday catalog, packing its 280 pages with a wide variety of nude, semi-nude, and sexually suggestive photographs. Snopes argues that the catalog could accurately be described as “soft-core porn” due to its depictions of young women and men in various states of undress. As one might expect considering Abercrombie’s teenaged target demographic, the catalog has already created a bit of a stir.

Then again, maybe Abercrombie and Fitch is onto something with all the nudity. After all, if their models aren’t wearing shirts, they can’t be wearing shirts with offensive Asian caricatures on them.

Perhaps the oddest part of the “Christmas Field Guide,” however, is the brief primer on group sex that apparently appears underneath a two-page photo spread featuring seven men and four women sitting naked in a shallow pool of water. After helpfully reminding readers that group sex “can involve an unlimited quantity of potential lovers…friendly or anonymous,” the crack team of A&F Quarterly researchers delve a bit further into the history of the orgy. Here’s an excerpt:

Orgies and group sex were common in the Middle Ages. Promiscuity was popular with both the peasantry and the nobility. Since divorce was forbidden by the Church, adultery was common and socially accepted.

Now, I’ll admit that holding a bachelor’s degree in history doesn’t necessarily make one an expert on the Middle Ages, but I can say with some degree of confidence that describing adultery as “socially accepted” during the Middle Ages–whether common and/or popular–is a bit of a stretch. Then again, now that I think about it, I’m not entirely sure how relevant adultery is to a discussion of group sex in the first place. Sure, the two are connected, but I’m not sure whether they should be used interchangeably in a historical context.

Whatever happened to the good old days of the Sears Wishbook, where the most scandalous thing you’d find between the covers was a middle-aged model wearing flannel pajamas?

Tales from the Classroom VII: Teachers are People, Too

Posted on November 23, 2003

Much like my parents, I’ve spent my entire life showing up for everything–appointments, meetings, parties–ten minutes early, and my classes are no exception. Unfortunately, a person can only spend so long writing a lecture outline on the chalkboard and mindlessly shuffling through papers before class starts. Sooner or later, I have no choice but to engage my students in casual conversation while we’re waiting for class to begin–that is, unless I just want to stand there behind the lectern and stare off into space vacantly (the merits of which are perhaps underrated).

As an instructor, however, striking up a conversation with the class isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. After all, many of the students–especially the freshmen–haven’t come to the realization yet that I’m a real, live human being with a wide range of interests and not just that guy who grades their exams and seems really interested in politics for some reason. That being said, I’ve tried chatting about current events with my students on occasion (”How about that kooky California recall, huh?”), but they tend to interpret such discussions as sly attempts on my part to sneak a few extra unwanted minutes of political science into their days and, in turn, don’t appreciate it one bit.

On the other hand, idle chitchat doesn’t seem to work all that well either. When I ask my students if they’ve seen Matrix Revolutions yet or if they’re planning to go to the big game over the weekend, I can’t help but feel that I’m coming off a bit like Dr. Evil in Austin Powers. “I’m with it. I’m hip.” <insert creepy, robotic Macarena>

In a way, it’s similar to when I bump into my students in public. When they see me outside of the classroom, their first reaction is usually surprise (”What are you doing at Old Navy?!?”), closely followed by fear, as if I’ve made a point to come to Chili’s during their shift to talk to them about their performance on the most recent exam and not for the chicken soft tacos. Eventually, however, they settle on a sense of novelty as they begin to feel like they’ve not only unraveled a bit of the conundrum that is their Intro to American Politics instructor (”Aha…so he likes performance fleeces/chicken soft tacos.”), but also discovered my deepest, darkest secret.

As it turns out, when I’m not teaching, I sometimes wear–brace yourselves–jeans and a t-shirt. Scandalous, I know.

Welcome to jacko-on-his-backo.com!

Posted on November 21, 2003

In the past day alone, approximately fifteen people have reached this site by searching for the phrase “Jacko on his backo” and variations thereof. Once again, I marvel at the mysteries of Google–and the capricious zeitgeist of the World Wide Web.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should get back to Army of Darkness on–believe it or not–American Classic Movies.

Since too few people are blogging about Michael Jackson today…

Posted on November 19, 2003

Actual headline from the front page of today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution: “Jacko is Backo Atop the Tabbos.”

I’ll begrudgingly accept “Jacko” and “backo” (mostly out of respect for the “Jacko on his Backo” sketch from SNL a few years back), but abbreviating “tabloids” as “tabbos” is a bit of a stretch as far as I’m concerned.

The Journal-Constitution–yet another reason why the city of Atlanta remains little more than a Delta hub with a bunch of professional sports teams.

w00t!

Posted on November 19, 2003

It was a grueling hour and a half, but I passed my oral comps! I shall now consume copious amounts of celebratory sushi.

ABD Dreams

Posted on November 19, 2003

The big day is here; my oral comprehensive exam is at two o’clock this afternoon. As of right now, all I really know about the process is that I’ll sit down in a conference room with the four members of my doctoral committee, and they’ll ask me a series of questions about political science for a couple of hours. Of course, I would probably know more about it if my e-mail client didn’t keep filtering messages with the word “oral” in the subject line as spam.

current music: Talking Heads, “Psycho Killer”

My precious…

Posted on November 18, 2003

Sweet sassy molassy, the extended edition of The Two Towers is an amazing film!

Baby, it’s unseasonably warm outside

Posted on November 17, 2003

In what’s already becoming an annual tradition, my wife and I celebrated our make-believe mid-November holiday over the weekend. Basically, a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, we set aside a Saturday or Sunday to decorate our Christmas tree, listen to carols, and prepare a holiday dinner complete with turkey cutlets, stuffing, sweet potatoes, and Kourtney’s Stupendous Fat-Free Pumpkin Pie(TM). This year, we were lucky enough to add a viewing of Elf to the festivities.

We’re still trying to settle on a good name for the holiday, though. The Seinfeld fan in me wants to go with Festivus, but the Homestar Runner fan in me prefers Novemberween. Any suggestions?

Tales from the Classroom VI: Sonic Assault

Posted on November 15, 2003

As if yesterday’s lesson plan alone wasn’t enough to make teaching a challenge, about five minutes into my afternoon class someone from outside the building began blaring (on a car stereo?) Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” so loudly that I actually had to speak up in order to be heard over it. Now, I should note that this wasn’t just a few seconds of the song as a car drove past the building, but rather the entire three minutes and sixteen seconds–start to finish. Not surprisingly, we never covered that particular dilemma in any of my teaching seminars. Something tells me that Socrates himself couldn’t lead a fruitful discussion under such torturous conditions.

Then, as if the scenario wasn’t odd enough already, the sonic assault promptly ended when the song was over. It didn’t fade out as a car drove into the distance, and no other song began playing when the track finished. It just ceased, as if the listener had gotten his or her “Uptown Girl” fix and was now sated and ready to carry on with the day. At the risk of sounding paranoid, if I didn’t know better, I would think that someone was messing with me.

On a more positive note, at least it wasn’t “Just the Way You Are.”

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