Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.drink.mrpibb,alt.drugs.caffeine
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Why DOES Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Message-ID: 
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 1996 07:00:40 GMT

I wrote this about a year ago, when they were advertising a certain pair of
movies I didn't go see. Maybe I should delete the dated/lame parts. Naah,
then you wouldn't get to skip them. I dislike to edit. Excuse me, change
that to "I hate editing."

--

KIBO'S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP
==============================

SPONSORED BY THE AMERICAN "WHY BOTHER EVEN MANUFACTURING A DOZEN KNOCKOFFS
OF SOMETHING MARGINAL ENOUGH TO ONLY BE IN HALF THE CONVENIENCE STORES OF
THE WORLD ANYWAY?" FOUNDATION, WHO ALSO BROUGHT YOU THE INFORMATIVE
PAMPHLET "'TO WONG FOO WITH LOVE, JULIE NEWMAR' JUST _MIGHT_ BE A KNOCKOFF
OF 'PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT' AND THE ENTERTAINING DOCUMENTARY
"KENNY G: WHERE'S THE JAZZ AND WHERE'S THE FUSION?"  THE NAME "DR PEPPER"
IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF B. A. PEPPER, AGE FIVE.

This is a taste test I conducted while watching "Manimal". (The episode
about the evil magicians.) All beverages were from freshly-opened two-liter
bottles, except for Mr. Pibb, which I could get only in a can (which
probably accounts for its extra fizziness.) All ratings are measured
relative to Dr Pepper, so you can scale them by dividing by how much better
you think Coke or Pepsi is than Dr Pepper. Note that I often rated the
weaker flavors more highly than the ones which had a taste that was strong
enough for me to figure out how bad they are. To cleanse my palate after
each swig, I made fresh with citron-flavored Mentos soaked in Orbitz.

DR PEPPER
Manufacturer: Dr Pepper (NOT Coca-Cola or Pepsi, although your local Pepsi
or Coke plant may bottle it)
Color: Brown, like colas.
Flavor: A sort of sour cherry-vanilla taste; loads of vanillin (the stuff
they put in cheap chocolate and marshmallows) and lactic acid (the stuff
that makes milk into yogurt.) Normal people don't like it, but it's an
acquired taste, and I've acquired it. Has a strong aroma and is generally
considered sweeter than Coke, probably comparable to Pepsi or Coke II (Max
Headroom's favorite.)
Rating: 1.0

Dr. ROCKET
Manufacturer: American Fare (aka K-Mart)
Color: Same as Dr. Pepper.
Flavor: Amazingly similar to real Dr. Pepper, despite the shoddy
differences of the other imitations--this one's right on the money. I
docked it a tenth of a point just because you have to go to K-Mart to buy
it.
Rating: 0.9

DR. SMOOTH
Manufacturer: Presidentıs Choice (the house brand of supermarkets who donıt
want to bother having their own; locally seen at Star Market and Stop &
Shop, which is not to be confused with Shop & Save or Stop & Go. "P.C."
foods are made even more politically correct by being labelled in both
English and Quebecois. "P.C." is a trademark of Sunfresh Inc.)
Color: Purplish brown.
Flavor: Warm, it tasted poor (more so than Dr. Pepper does) with an
unidentifiable yet disturbing flavor. Chilled, it was _very_ similar to Dr.
Pepper--considerably more so than most of the other fakes.
Comments: This is the only one of the clones whose bottle doesn't look
right--itıs black with red and yellow lettering. They didnıt get the color
of the soda or the bottle right, but the contents are fine if chilled.
Rating: 0.9 cold, 0.4 warm

MR. PIBB
Manufacturer: Coca-Cola
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: Very fizzy but almost no flavor. Imagine a Dr Pepper with more sugar
and gas and less of the other stuff. Reminded me of the clear stuff you
sometimes get at McDonalds when the soda dispenser is sick.
Comments: Very boring but non-threatening. Even more a phenomenon of the
South than Dr Pepper; extremely rare north of Mason-Dixon. The most
commercially successful of the fake Dr Peppers, even though itıs the only
one which flunked out of grad school.
Rating: 0.6

DR. SLICE
Manufacturer: Pepsi (part of their Slice line of artificial fruit
beverages, this one's an artificial artificial flavor)
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Flavor: Artificial cherry. Just like cough syrup, or worse, a barbershop
lollipop.
Comments: Drinkable, but bad.
Rating: 0.5

DR STARR
Manufacturer: American Premier (I didnıt know we'd elected Kruschev. This
brand shows up at Osco Drug.)
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: None. Like Mr. Pibb, without the sugar or most of the carbonation.
Comments: I thought Iıd had a stroke until I realized it was placebo flavored.
Rating: 0.4

DR. RIGHT
Manufacturer: Preferred Selection (like President's Choice and American
Fare and American Premier, but different. Seen at a mom-n-pop in Roxbury,
69c for two liters.)
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: Cherry Coke, only sweeter and weaker.
Comments: Poorly-made cap (compared to other brands) was hard to remove, a
blessing in disguise.
Rating: 0.3

DR. ZEPPA
Manufacturer: Store 24 (along with Lemon Zup and other products that may
have been named by the late Bill Gaines)
Color: Purplish-grayish-brown. The couldn't even get THAT right?
Flavor: Really really really weak Moxie. Dilute yet still repulsive.
Comments: Worst of the bunch. Not as bad as Store 24's Blue Raspberry,
which tastes like watermelon Bubble Yum and can be smelled from thirty feet
away, but still nearly as bad as getting fermented shrimp paste up your
nose in zero gravity while using Windows 3.1.
Rating: 0.1

At this point the test was halted because "Manimal" was over and I was
feeling kind of sick.

Youıd think it would be a simple matter to come up with a perfect knockoff
of something which tastes completely artificial, but noooo, we can land a
man on the Moon but we canıt run some Dr Pepper through a gas chromatograph
to see whether itıs supposed to taste like cherry, Coke, vanillin, or dirty
socks. I am formally recommending to the President of the World that these
fakes be told to shape up or they will be forced to drink Dr. Zeppa forever
and ever and all the bad stuff will go away and there will never be any war
and everyone will hug all the time. Also if the fakes havenıt really earned
a graduate degree then everyone will sue them for a million billion zillion
dollars and all the candy in the world.

Yours in Pepperness, James "Kibo" Parry.

Note to pedants: Those who believe I should have used the American "Dr.
Pepper" instead of the British "Dr Pepper" (which is on the bottle) may use
the following periods to salt and pepper this essay as they please ---> . .
. . . . . . .

NEXT: FEENAMINT, THE LAXATIVE GUM -- MEDICAL MIRACLE OR COMMUNIST THREAT TO
AN UNWARY PUBLIC?

                              -- K.
                              Copyright (C) James "Kibo" Parry
                              except for this copyright notice,
                              which is in the public domain and
                              may be affixed to your own documents.