This feature is dedicated to all those who wish to leave their miserable pasts behind them forever, living in fear of the day some skanky reporter roots them out, dredges up all the forgotten pain and misery, and holds it up for the universe to see.

    "Roger Who?" you ask. Roger Wilco. His name may not be a household word anymore, but it wasn't that long ago that a mild mannered janitor stationed on the research vessel Arcada, saved our bacon from being burnt to a crisp. You remember, the trusty broom jockey who foiled those unpleasant Sariens in their plot to turn the StarCon star generator against our little system as a weapon of destruction. Tsk, tsk, tsk! How soon we forget.

    By saving Xenon and its surrounding planets, Wilco had won the hearts of an entire star system. To show their gratitude, he was accorded the coveted Golden Mop award for "cleaning up the galaxy," making it safe once again for all life forms. He was even granted the title "Custodian of Xenon" for a day. His day in the artificially generated sun seemed as though it would never end, he was an instant celebrity.

    Soon, Roger found himself making the talk show circuit appearing as a guest on such programs as David Letterdroid and Ophra Wingnut. Then came the endorsements. You couldn't pick up a toilet brush without seeing Roger's face on it.

    Indeed, Roger Wilco, Janitor to the Stars, had arrived! Next stop-- HOLLYROID. Roger was soon offered a contract to write and direct a movie based on his experience with the Sariens. It looked as though everyone's favorite sanitation engineer had wrung his last mop. Or so it seemed.

    It was during the filming of what was to be Wilco's first feature film, "The Sarien Encounter," that things began to go terribly wrong. There were always problems on the set. Darth Lumix--the hulking, tree stump-necked actor who was to play Wilco was always at odds with Roger over the script. Then one day the special effects team, having accidentally destroyed the Orat monster suit, tried to cover themselves by secretly substituting a real, snarling Orat. This lead to disaster as the large beast, taunted by Darth in a fight scene, raged out of control, ravaging the set and tearing the actor into shreds. Luckily, they were able to find all the pieces. Not so luckily, millions of dollars in models and sets were lost. The studio scrapped production and tore up Roger's contract.

    Needless to say, Roger became disenchanted with Hollyroid. And as time passed, he began to fade, as so many stars do. Making only the occasional talk show appearance, he found himself longing for the pine-clean scent of a janitorial supply closet and the feel of a lacquered hickory mop handle in his hands. He was heartsick for Sanitation, his one sure talent.

    Roger returned to his first love by obtaining a commission aboard a Xenon spaceport where, as a janitor, he was able to find inner peace through his work. But, once again, fate reared its ugly head. One year into his new job, Roger was abducted by unknowns while cleaning the interior of a transport. He is never heard from again.

    Though there have been rumored sightings during the last few years, Roger Wilco's disappearance is, to this day, a mystery. This reporter wanted to find out what happened so I began asking questions. What I've found is that, for the most part, nobody really CARES what happened to him. But hey, my editor says I have to fill a whole page with this swill so...

    There are all sorts of rumors and much speculation as to what became of our fallen hero/janitor. Some say he's responsible for charting the first safe route through the Mondorian blackhole, long thought to be the toilet bowl of the universe, flushing galactic sewage into that cesspool known as the Milkyway Galaxy. Others claim that they've seen him in bars on back worlds spinning yarns of his adventures to anyone who'd listen.

    Perhaps we'll never really know what became of that dauntless mop-jockey, Roger Wilco. But this reporter believes he's out there somewhere, waiting for his next adventure.

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