Tonight, on Pay-Per-View, two titans of mass destruction shall reign blazing fury upon each other in their quest to gain the galaxy-wide coveted title of supreme champion in the long-awaited final round of...

CHEESE-SANDWICH CONGLOMERATES SMACKDOWN!

NEILA: "What the--that's the wrong tape! Change it! Change it!"

REX: "Some joker switched the labels! Wait--here it is!"

SPACE QUEST SMACKDOWN!

REX: "Welcome to Eternity-X, the first wrestling arena ever to be built on the very edge of the known universe. I'm Rex Mercury, your commentator for tonight, and this is my lovely co-commentator, Neila Armstrong. My, that's a lovely color you're changing, Neila. What do you call that?"

NEILA: "Why that's the color of the new perfume, "Le Femme Stuff," which (by sheer coincidence, of course) is sponsoring our match tonight."

REX: "Coincidence is right. We don't sell out here in Eternity-X. Care for some Laid-Off Couch Potato Chips, Neila? They're flavoured with wholesome cherry goodness!"

NEILA: "Well, it's been a grueling 14 matches since Space Quest Smackdown began. We've seen arcade-game-playing robots, dive-bombing chickens, looney-tuned monsters, and even a little bit of child abuse, but it all ends here tonight, when space janitor Roger Wilco takes on StarCon ambassador Beatrice Wankmeister in our arena."

REX: "You know, there are rumors amongst the timeline entities that suggest that Roger and Beatrice will be husband and wife in the future. What we could be seeing here is a pre-marital domestic disturbance, and should something go wrong tonight--for example, if Roger or Beatrice die--all existence will be nullified by the post-game paradox. So, you might say that the stakes are rather high."

NEILA: "Of course, Roger and Beatrice not only have a future, but have a history together as well. When the Smackdown committee first approached them about this fight, their hearts simply weren't into the idea of beating each other up for our enjoyment. But after many debates (and a variety of many classified pills in their coffee each morning,) they've finally agreed with us that beating the crap out of each other is not only a good idea, but should in fact be a law."

REX: "It should be mentioned that the pills do have certain side-effects though..."

NEILA: "Before the fight begins, we're going backstage to the fight manager, Mr. Decaffeinated Jedi, as he interviews tonight's fighters."

JESS: "Thank you, Neila. I'm backstage with Roger Wilco, one of tonight's fighters."

ROGER: "Glad to be here, Mr. Backstage."

JESS: "Name is Jess."

ROGER: "No, I'm Roger."

JESS: "No, MY name is Jess."

ROGER: "I thought you said you were Backstage."

JESS: "That's where we are. THIS is backstage."

ROGER: "Wow. You have the same name as our location. Did you know I'm named after a military code for 'OVER?' Darn parents! Did you know my parents are both guys with fake snouts and glasses? This is good coffee. What do you think they put in here? I have a back itch. The walls are beige."

JESS: "Any thoughts on the fight?"

ROGER: "Like what?"

JESS: "Well, you are fighting your wife-to-be tonight."

ROGER: "Heh. Yeah, that's pretty funny too. I think. Want some coffee? I can't get enough of this stuff."

JESS: "Errr... that's okay."

ROGER: "Bea doesn't seem to like the coffee though. I think she has another brand. She's pretty upset with--OOH! I can see the ends of the universe! They're filled with flying elephants!"

JESS: "Errr, thanks for... talking... with us, Roger. Rex, Neila, I'm now going over to Beatrice, currently with us. Now, Beatrice, according to this quote, you are going to, ahem, 'Take Roger's guts, chew them up, spit them out, and turn them into a Roger Smoothie.' I take it you're pretty hyped up about tonight's fight?"

BEATRICE: "LISTEN UP, CLOSET-BOY! THERE WILL BE NO FIGHT! ROGER WILL BE DONE AND DEAD SECONDS AFTER THE BELL GOES! YOU KNOW WHY?!? BECAUSE I AM ONE-HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE POUNDS OF RAGING FEMALE TESTOSTERONE!"

JESS: "(Note to head office: check the expiration dates on those labels.)"

BEATRICE: "I'M GONNA REACH DOWN HIS THROAT, PULL OUT HIS LUNGS, AND PUT THEM ON HIS HEAD LIKE A PAIR OF MICKEY MOUSE EARS!!!"

JESS: "That's a nice mental picture."

BEATRICE: "NOW GET OUT OF HERE! I NEED TO DO MY WARM-UPS! SOMEONE PASS ME A BENCH--I'M GONNA BREAK IT WITH MY HEAD!!!"

JESS: "Back to you, Rex."

REX: "What an exciting fight this is going to be, Neila! One fighter is impulsively-ignorant, the other is hormonally-unbalanced, and neither one feels the slightest bit of remorse about tonight!"

NEILA: "Exciting is right, Rex. To make things even more exciting, I suppose I should warn you folks at home that here at the edge of the universe, all space and time tends to collide inside the arena during fights, causing random and unusual things to happen."

REX: "Like the time during the big "Queenox versus 01010101" fight when all those boats and airplanes from the Bermuda Triangle spontaneously showed up mid-match, killing hundreds of spectators."

NEILA: "So go grab the beer and chips; the fight will begin right after these messages!"

NEILA: "Oh, right. None of our sponsors bought any airtime. They just asked us to show off their products from the commentary box."

REX: "I guess we just start the fight then."

NEILA: "I guess so."

REX: "Entering the arena from the left is Roger Wilco! He seems absolutely pleased to be here tonight! Look at that grin! He's... he's stopped to stare at nothing. Oh, wait. He's started up again--no--he's dancing ballet now. Now he's... he's... oh, forget it."

NEILA: "And here comes Beatrice! The fight hasn't even started and she's already got several bruises on her face and a mouth full of locker-room tile! In her right hand seems to be pieces of one of the cameramen--ugh! This is one furious femme fatale, ladies and gentlemen!"

REX: "The two have arrived in the middle of the arena, and our guest referee, the World Famous Talking Bear is approaching the fighters."

TALKING BEAR: "Grrrr... Well, hello there. This is the World Famous Talking Bear. Be sure you follow all the rules and regulations--of which there are none. Except for starting forest fires. Don't do that. You may assault and maim when ready."

BEATRICE: "YOU'RE GOING DOWN, FLOOR-SCRUB!"

ROGER: "No! I will defeat you Miss--ooh, a fist-Wankmeis--OW!"

REX: "And Beatrice Wankmeister delivers a solid blow to Roger's noggin!"

NEILA: "I'll take a lot more than that to break through that thick skull, Rex."

REX: "Roger throws in a punch, but is immediately distracted by the hot dog vendor in the stands! He falls flat on his face and checks to see if he has enough change in his pockets for a dog. No avail!"

NEILA: "This is not looking good, Rex."

REX: "I'll say! Beatrice is swinging Roger around by his neck like a rock in a jock strap! She's tossing him across the field into a--a broom closet? Yes! A broom closet has just materialized mid-field! Roger is emerging equipped with his faithful golden mop and wearing a bucket as a helmet!"

NEILA: "But I think Beatrice is the least of his worries! Several Sarien soldiers have also materialized onto the field and begun opening fire on them! Roger's neurotic impulses however, are enabling him to successfully deflect all laser bolts coming his way with his mop. Beatrice is cutting around to the side, out of their line of sight and tearing off the Sariens' heads from behind! How brutal!"

REX: "With that out of the way, Roger and Beatrice are going at each other again! Fast and furious, they launch a variety of attacks at each other! It's hard to describe the fighting style Roger is using though."

NEILA: "I'd call it a drugged-up monkey attack."

REX: "Monkey is right. Roger is swinging from the trees and--TREES?"

NEILA: "Yes, Rex. It seems the Labion Jungle has grown inside the arena, giving our fighters a new set of resources with which to fight each other."

REX: "Assuming Roger can free himself from that mesh of vines he just got caught in."

NEILA: "Holy Logjam, Batman! Beatrice has picked up a giant piece of a broken tree and is preparing to bring it down upon Roger's head! But wait--what's this? A spinning creature has caught her off guard and is trying to chew on her leg!"

REX: "Hey! That's the Labion Terror Beast! What's he doing here? He was eliminated from the tournament two rounds ago!"

NEILA: "Blame it on the unstable nature of the universe."

REX: "Anyway, while Beatrice is killing the Labion Terror Beast, Roger is using this time to escape his vines by setting them on fire with a lighter he picked up backstage."

TALKING BEAR: "Grrr... no! That's against the rules! Only you can prevent forest fires!"

REX: "It's too late! Roger has set the entire jungle on fire!"

TALKING BEAR: "Nooooo!!!!!"

NEILA: "While hundreds of spectators flee the arena for their lives, we, the silly commentators, stay in our box to continue talking about the fight as it happens!"

REX: "Fortunately, Beatrice has already found a way to put out the fire! She's rolling Roger around in it!"

TALKING BEAR: "Grr! Yes, that's it! Stop, drop, and roll! Just like that!"

NEILA: "This might be a good time to talk about a brand new clothing line out: Jalapeno Blazers. I wear one, as do all the people who's lives I respect."

REX: "Feel that material. Mmmm... that's one-hundred percent puppy with a fire-proof lining."

NEILA: "Back to the fight, there have been many new developments. A Monolith Burger has materialized on top of the fire, neutralizing the threat, and all gravity has been nullified to make way for a bunch of Skate-O-Rama skinheads."

REX: "Roger has taken a defensive position behind the counter using the counter clerk as a human shield while Beatrice flies around dive-bombing him with many interesting condiments."

NEILA: "Roger's mind still isn't on the fight, though, since he is using those condiments to make himself a nice, juicy Monolith Burger."

REX: "I don't think we should mention that brand name--they're not our sponsors."

NEILA: "Oh, right! In that case, Roger is making himself a rancid burger substitute which will probably kill him horribly in two to three days."

REX: "In the meantime, Beatrice's dive-bombs have stopped and she has switched her artillery from condiments to furniture. I feel sorry for that poor clerk."

NEILA: "Don't worry, Rex. Retail clerks aren't people. They're biological machines with name tags that sit in their rooms all day writing fight recaps for computer game characters."

REX: "Speaking of which, someone else has just materialized into the middle of the fight!"

MACARONI PENGUIN: "HOLY CRAP!"

REX: "And off he runs! That little distraction has bought Roger time to escape the burger establishment and run into the jungle again where gravity reasserts control! He frantically searches for a weapon but constantly finds himself focused on the local squirrels."

BEATRICE: "WHAT'S THE MATTER, ROGER? CAN'T KEEP YOUR MIND ON ANYTHING? HOW ABOUT MY CLUB?!?"

NEILA: "Oh, my goodness! Beatrice is using Macaroni Penguin as a club and hitting Roger in the head with it!"

MACARONI PENGUIN: "DWAH!"

REX: "Which leads to the question: who's writing this?"

NEILA: "It might be all over for Roger now..."

REX: "Except that the SCS Eureka has just materialized and is assisting Roger!"

NEILA: "Who's driving that thing?"

REX: "I think it's a younger, captain version of Roger himself!"

TALKING BEAR: "Grr! Well, there's nothing in the rules about helping yourself."

NEILA: "This rescue effort is cut short as Beatrice jams Macaroni Penguin into the exhaust pipe, causing the ship to explode into a trillion pieces!"

REX: "That was kind of pointless."

NEILA: "You know, Rex, all of the things that have materialized have been from Space Quests 1 to 5."

REX: "Well, that's the kind of crazy stuff that happens here at Eternity-X. I supposed we should be expecting something from Space Quest 6 anytime now!"

NEILA: "Well, our space displacement monitor is telling us that something is materializing right now!"

REX: "I wonder what it could be!"

NEILA: "It's... it's..."

REX: "Sharpei's Appendix from Space Quest 6!"

NEILA: "Beatrice and Roger stare at it blankly... not quite sure if it has any use whatsoever."

REX: "Wait! Roger is picking it up and throwing it at Beatrice's face!"

NEILA: "What do you know? The appendix does have a use!"

REX: "Unbelievable! Roger is climbing onto the roof of the Monolith Burg... er... Maggot Burger (heh, heh) and trying to climb to the very top of the giant M with Beatrice in close pursuit."

NEILA: "The insanity is... insane!"

REX: "The two of them are now hand-to-throat with each other. If Roger keeps his focus long enough, he may be able to outlast Beatrice and--never mind--he just realized he has five fingers."

ROGER: "Whoa..."

BEATRICE: "And now Roger... YOU SHALL DIE!!!"

REX: "Beatrice lifts Roger high above her head... and throws him from the top of the building!"

NEILA: "It's all over, folks!"

ROGER: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--wait a second! I just figured out all the secrets of the universe!"

NEILA: "And... Roger doesn't seem to have hit bottom. Can we get a replay to see where he went?"

REX: "I'm looking over the replays. Here, we see Roger falling. And here... he's... he's missing. He vanished into thin air."

NEILA: "This is a first for Eternity-X. Usually, because we're situated at the edge of the universe, things get deposited into the arena, not taken out of them."

REX: "Can we get a professional opinion on this?"

ROGER: "I can tell you everything."

REX: "Thank you, Roger... ROGER? Where the heck are you? We hear you, but we don't see you. Could you speak into the microphone so the audience can hear you?"

ROGER: "The audience can already hear me clearly. If you are wondering where I am, look and you will see me. I am everything and everyone. I am the universe, personified into the form of an ex-janitorial entity."

REX: "I think it's time we take Jess' advice and check those expiration dates."

ROGER: "I am he to judge and he to know. I am he to rain justice upon the masses and conquer ALL!"

NEILA: "Looking into the sky above the arena, I am making out a face of fire shaped like Roger's. He seems to be raining lightning and fire into the arena like something out of the Old Testament."

TALKING BEAR: "Grr! Watch it with that fire!"

REX: "The wind is really picking up! Spectators are being sucked into space as some kind of fiery vortex cleanses the arena of its sins!"

NEILA: "And there's Beatrice, clinging to the giant M for her life with her legs dangling in the air! The vortex is tightening its hold on her and trying to rip her from the building!"

REX: "Uh-oh. Her pants are coming off--it's official, folks; the ambassador wears boxers!"

NEILA: "The M is breaking from its bolts! Beatrice is being sucked into the ethereal fires and... and... all is silent."

....

...

REX: "Aha! An explosion!"

NEILA: "I'm seeing Roger floating down from the edge of the universe with the ambassador in his arms. His eyes are glowing with a very sharp white hue. The ambassador seems to be either dead or asleep. Talking Bear, can you confirm anything?"

TALKING BEAR: "Grr! I can confirm that we just saw something very strange happen here."

REX: "Dead or asleep, one thing is for sure! Roger is the reigning Space Quest Smackdown champion! Let us go ringside with Jess."

JESS: "Roger, can you tell the folks at home what just happened?"

ROGER: "The pills in the coffee... never before have I been so alert... never before has so many thoughts gone through my head at once. Over a thousand years of philosophy ran through my head during that final fatal fall... I became one with the universe."

BEATRICE: "Ugh... actually, this happens every time Roger drinks espresso. Don't worry--his omnipotence will go away in a few hours and he'll be impotent again."

ROGER: "I have cleansed the poisons from our systems, the sin from this arena, and I am taking Beatrice from this place. But, there are still some things left to do."

JESS: "Like what? - URGH!"

REX: "Omigosh! Jess is acting like some kind of invisible hand has grabbed him by the throat!"

ROGER: "THERE WILL BE NO MORE SMACKDOWNS."

JESS: "Yeah! You got it!"

REX: "And Roger is carrying Beatrice from the Arena. They are climbing into the Aluminum Mallard, and leaving the Arena behind."

NEILA: "That was definitely an exciting match!"

REX: "So, what do we do now that we can't have anymore Space Quest Smackdowns?"

NEILA: "I guess we could have, like, a SPACE QUEST FAN SMACKDOWN. You know? Cool Guy versus Fighterpilot? Diane versus Cheese? Topper versus Himself? Heh, heh."

REX: "Yeah! Good idea! Well, anyway, we'd like to thank Jess and tonight's guest referee, the World Famous Talking Bear!"

JESS: "We appreciate it. Come, Talking Bear. Our home planet needs us."

NEILA: "And there goes Jess, riding the Talking Bear into outer space."

REX: "More special thanks go to everyone who voted and helped make these Smackdowns possible!"

NEILA: "I'm Neila Armstrong."

REX: "And I'm Rex Mercury. Good night and..."

ROGER: "May I interrupt?"

REX: "Oh, geeze! Don't do that! I hate to think you can be anywhere at any time!"

ROGER: "Just to make sure this never happens again...."

....

NEILA: "Okay...looks like Roger has decided to destroy us, simply because we drugged him and his future wife and tried to make them fight to the death. It seems the Eternity-X arena is going up in dark flames and exploding all around us, melting into a thick liquid substance similar to pudding."

REX: "I just you could say we're getting our 'just desserts', eh, Neila? Ha-ha-ha."

NEILA: "You can say that again, Rex. Well, this is Neila Armstrong and Rex Mercury signing off forever. Most likely because we probably less than ten seconds to live."

REX: "Tonight's fight was also brought to you by Pepsi. Drink Pepsi--because Coke has rat poison in it."

GUESTS OF SPACE QUEST SMACKDOWN STAY IN OUR FABULOUS THEME RESORT HOTELS LOCATED IN DOWNTOWN ---

*TRANSMISSION DISRUPTED*

Comments, questions, suggestions... jess@wiw.org