Live from the Spacial Ruins of Vulcan Zero: THIS - IS - SPACE - QUEST - SMACKDOWN!

     Welcome back, quasi-wrestling fans, as the Space Quest Smackdown Tournament draws closer and closer to the ultimate and final battle. Later on in the program, we will see Beatrice Wankmeister go head-to-head with the nefarious Sludge Vohaul, but first up is a sure-to-be sensational match between comrades as Roger Wilco, recovering from his battle against WD-40, takes on Droole, who recently defeated the dreaded Labion Terror Beast.

     This should most definitely be an interesting fight considering the combatants' history together. At one point in time, Droole served under his opponent during Roger's days as a starship captain. It is said that during a mission to the planet Klorox II, Droole went out of his way to save Roger's life from a deadly Pukoid. Shortly after the Pukoid mission, however, they parted ways. These two friends have not spoken to or seen each other until today--the day when they will reunite and pummel each other into obliteration! Imagine the surprised looks on their faces whenever they see other!

     Sssh! Here they come! They've entered the arena!

     ROGER: "Where's that voice coming from?"

     DROOLE: "What's going on here? No one said anything about me fighting Roger!"

     Surprise!

     ROGER: "You can't expect me to beat up Droole! He's my friend!"

     And that's the beauty of today's wrestling location! You see, Vulcan Zero is the floating remains of what was once the planet Vulcan shortly before it had a logic overload and exploded. The very arena the two of you are standing in is the same arena that Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock were forced to battle to the death in the old Star Trek episode "Amok Time." Isn't the irony beautiful?

     DROOLE: "Bloody heck--I'm getting out of here. Maybe I'll go grab a pint. You with me, Rog?"

     Now would be a good time to let you know that we have placed giant killer wolverine mutants behind every exit. They will remain there until the fight is officially over.

     ROGER: "That's crazy!"

     DROOLE: "Well, Roger, I guess we just have to fight each other to the death."

     ROGER: "I guess so."

     And the fight is on! Roger delivers a... very light blow to Droole's arm. Droole now seems to be writhing in pain. Or at least acting like he's in pain. He's now kicking Roger in the shins (very softly, I might add)... and Roger is now on the floor next to him.

     ROGER: "Oh...my leg...can't go on..."

     DROOLE: "Medical attention...we need medical attention...get us to a hospital..."

     ROGER: "I see a light! It's so pretty!"

     This may perhaps be the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. Even more pathetic than that time those rebel terrorists destroyed our most valuable military base on account of it having a single open vent shaft that led directly to the core. These two fighters are not even going to put up a fight. I mean, come on!

     ROGER: "I've fallen and I can't get up! I guess the fight is over."

     DROOLE: "Oh, why? WHY?!?"

     I guess it's over... so, who's going to be the winner?

     ROGER: "I'll do that."

     DROOLE: "No, it's all right. I'll be the winner."

     ROGER: "Like heck you will!"

     DROOLE: "Are you threatening me?"

     ROGER: "Bring it on, Facey!"

     DROOLE: "Oh, you're dead meat, mop jockey!"

     All right! Now we're seeing some action! Wilco has Droole in the deadly sleeper hold! Droole is repeating throwing punches into Wilco's sides! Now they're strangling each other! This is the greatest comeback since the Second Coming of Christ last century! Let's get some music going here!

     *Star Trek battle theme begins to play*

     They're bruising each other! They're slapping each other! They're totally totalling each other! Droole is pile-driving Wilco! Wilco is body-slamming Droole! I hope this never ends!

     Wilco is delivering a solid boot-to-the-butt on Droole and... Droole has bitten onto his boot! With his butt! Wilco has somehow stumbled onto Droole's secret eating orifice and now has his foot caught where the sun don't shine! This is unbelievably insane--I can't put the horror into words! Roger is pulling away and, in the nick of time, he has slipped his boot off just as Droole has bitten it off and swallowed it! Droole, however, has just realized he ate something that doesn't agree with him. He is choking and trying to regurgitate the boot (and based on the orifice, you REALLY don't want me to describe it in detail--trust me.) He is keeling over... turning a slight shade of green... and he is down for the count!

     ROGER: "I did it! And I owe it to years of never wiping my shoes when I enter a room!"

     Or maybe your feet just stink.

     ROGER: "Hey! Come down here and say that!"

     You mean SMELL that!

     ROGER: "Where the heck are you anyway?!?"

     Ladies and gentlemen... once again, against all odds, Roger Wilco is your winner!

     Join us back here for the second half of round three--coming up next! But first, a brief word from our sponsor...

     ROGER: "Hey! Don't just go to a commercial like that! You. Me. Mano-A-Mono-er...Manno-a-Moonoo... no... uh..."

     Are you lonely? Need someone to talk to? Someone to share common interests? Someone to participate in some morbid mating ritual involving pliers and hair gel (depending on the planet)?

     Hi, my name's Dorff. I used to be a lame, dorky officer traveling through the stars aboard a variety of StarCon vessels. My co-workers teased me about my near-sightedness, my boss took advantage of my low self-esteem, and the women laughed at the fact that I was always naked, and that my skin resembled a StarCon uniform. But I'm over that now, thanks to Miss Cleoz' Psychic Network. For a reasonable fee over the phone, she provided me with the answers to all my problems, and hypnotized me using cellular technology.

     Thanks to her advice regarding placement of oblongated vegetables and seventies-style dance moves, I'm now I'm a stylin' man on the town with tons of friends, lots of ladies, and a sexy set of wheels. Miss Cleoz can help you too! Just dial 1-900-EEE-EEEE (her number's 333-3333; she just can't spell anything with that), have your credit card handy, and you'll be on your way to easy street in no time!

     CLEOZ: "Call now and believe, honey! Don't make me take you to Church!"

     We know return you to Space Quest Smackdown, Live on FOX.

Match Two: Beatrice Wankmeister vs. Sludge Vohaul

     The fans are going wild with anticipation as our next match draws near, ladies and gentlebeings. Returning to Vulcan Zero in our "Friends + Family" themed battle arena, we now come to the deadly battle between Ambassador Beatrice Wankmeister, and the diabolically digital Sludge Vohaul. Before our challengers arrive, let's take a quick look at their previous matches.

     Both competitors have proven themselves quite diverse in their resourcefulness and techniques. Beatrice has proven herself both physically and diplomatically capable of beating her opponents, her previous fights being against Circuit Sydney and AstroChicken. Sludge Vohaul, on the other side, has made use of his scientific resources as his prime source of defense, having already rearranged time in order to defeat the Arnoid, and reconfigure his genetic DNA to beat Roger Wilco Jr. Tonight's match will be quite a show-stopper seeing as how Sludge Vohaul will confront Beatrice Wankmeister--all the while occupying the cloned body of the Ambassador's future son. Will truth and justice prevail tonight, or will Beatrice's motherly instincts be her downfall? Got all that? Good. Let's go live to the arena as both people are doing their pre-fight warm-ups.

     Tell us, Beatrice, what are your views on tonight's match?

     BEATRICE: "From what I understand, Vohaul is supposed to have incarnated himself in the form of my future son, right? Well considering I haven't even gotten pregnant with the kid yet, I don't understand how this is supposed to be a deterrent. He's not even a real person, right? He's just Vohaul disguised as a strange adult. I don't see how no one else can see this."

     And to Vohaul--same question, name reversed?

     VOHAUL: "Heh, heh, heh. She sees me disguised as her future son and thinks it won't cloud her judgment? It probably hasn't crossed her mind that I have other surprises up my sleeve."

     One thing's for sure, this should be a most interesting battle.

     And there's the bell! Both competitors are approaching each other at a quiet, casual--almost taunting--pace. Beatrice is looking Vohaul over, sizing him up, and he is doing the same to her.

     BEATRICE: "So you're the genetic recreation of my future son? Curious, though, when you consider that it took both my and Roger's DNA to build you. I wonder if perhaps you have any of our... WEAKNESSES!"

     Why, I'll be a Klingon's grandmother! Beatrice is tickle-attacking Vohaul--and he is going nuts! He's falling to the ground writhing in laughter while Beatrice tickles him into submission! There's no way he can stand this for any longer!

     Wait! Vohaul has mysteriously disappeared from sight, leaving behind an empty set of clothes!

     BEATRICE: "Where did that jerkhole go?"

     The arena now seems vacant. To some, it may appear that Vohaul was using some form of hologram, but our ringside sources are telling us that his molecular structure has instead broken up into millions of tiny pieces. Was this a result of the tickling, or is this one of Vohaul's tricks?

     And there's now Sequel Policemen entering the ring! Is Vohaul using the same technique he used when he defeated the original Roger Wilco Jr? He can't be--these Policemen are carrying cameras and boom mikes instead of guns. I'm as confused as you are, folks. What's the angle here?

     "The angle is psychological corruption, my friend."

     BEATRICE: "That disembodied voice...where are you, Vohaul? Show yourself!"

     VOHAUL: "Not just yet. First, I'd like to ask you if it's true that as an Ambassador, your entire political reputation is not based so much on your decisions and actions, but instead on whatever the galactic media publishes?"

     BEATRICE: "You wouldn't dare..."

     VOHAUL: "I could very easily destroy your reputation right here and now. Your credibility rating would be shot to Hell and I'd be laughing all along."

     BEATRICE: "Why not just fight like a man, or am I, the woman, doing too good a job of that?"

     VOHAUL: "My specialities are refined and sophisticated, Madame Wankmeister. Either throw the fight in shame, or be socially destroyed."

     BEATRICE: "Show yourself."

     And Vohaul is emerging from behind a ruin. He is noticeably smaller than before...and he's wearing a diaper. Oh, my God! He's still Roger Wilco Jr, but has reconfigured his DNA to become Roger Wilco Jr at the age of six months!

     VOHAUL: "Go ahead. Take your best shot."

     What a dilemma! With so many cameras in the arena, Beatrice can't risk beating a child, even if he is a century-old supercomputer entity in disguise! And the fact that he's occupying the cloned body of her yet-to-be-born son reduced to infanthood doesn't make this picture any prettier. It looks like the Ambassador is in a real pickle here, folks!

     Vohaul throws the first punch! Using his tiny six-month old body, he is delivering a solid backflip-kick to Beatrice's chin, knocking her halfway across the arena! Now he's performing a variety of acrobatic flips around the field in order to gain momentum for his next attack! He is launching himself directly into Beatrice's stomach, knocking the bloody wind out of her! This is followed by multiple punches to every weak spot on her body! She has to fight back--come on, Beatrice!

     BEATRICE: "Mustn't... ruin... public... image..."

     This may very well be the end of Beatrice Wankmeister. Beaten by a six-month toddler. Beatrice seems to be crawling away from the fight with Vohaul following closely behind, mocking her as he walks. Or crawls. Whatever. Wait just a second... the Ambassador is reaching into her pocket and pulling out... a cell phone. If i'm not mistaken, she seems to be dialing up a 900 number! Now, there's a time and a place for everything, but this seems a bit ridiculous...

     MISS CLEOZ: "Hello, honey! This be Miss Cleoz' Psychic Hotline! How can I help you today?"

     BEATRICE: "Miss Cleoz, my six-year old future son is constantly beating me, and I don't know what to do! There's cameras everywhere and I work in politics! If I fight back, it'll ruin my..."

     MISS CLEOZ: "Yeah, yeah, your public image. Let me tell you, honey, if you don't deal with this kid now, he's going to be beating you up the rest of your life. There are many juvenile delinquents out on the streets who started out just like him. You have to discipline this child now, honey, before he completely loses his grasp on what's right and wrong and teach him a lesson. So forget the media and what others think--if you don't show this child the error of his ways, you'll definitely regret it later. Trust me."

     BEATRICE: "Thank you, Miss Cleoz!"

     Beatrice is now back in the fight! She's taking Vohaul/Roger Wilco Jr over her knee and giving him the spanking of his life!

     VOHAUL: "Ouch! Ha-ha-ha! I've got you noooOWW!!! OW!!!!"

     The cameras are going off! This is guaranteed front page news with the headlines distorting all the facts! POLITICAL FIGURE ATTACKS KID IN PUBLIC! AMBASSADOR BEATS YET-TO-BE-BORN CHILD!

     BEATRICE: "Oh, who cares! The fight is mine!"

     VOHAUL: "Not just yet! I haven't given up, and even you don't have the guts to beat a child unconconsious!"

     He's got you there, Beatrice. How are you going to beat him now?

     Uh-oh! A van is pulling into the arena! Two people in suits are coming out and addressing Beatrice.

     MAN #1: "Excuse us. We're with social services. We've come to take your child away because the media has blown all the facts out of proportation and we do not believe your son is safe with you."

     MAN #2: "Come with us. You're safe now, son."

     They are taking Vohaul!

     VOHAUL: "No! You can't do this! I must defeat her!"

     He's being taken into the van... and they have driven off the field! What an upset, ladies and gentlemen! I don't believe it! Beatrice is officially the winner by default! She is taking her bows towards the applauding crowds. Not only has she beaten Vohaul, but she has struck a blow towards child disciplinary movements everywhere!

     And so it has come! Roger has defeated Droole! Beatrice has defeated Vohaul!

     This can only mean one thing!

     Just us next fight for the ultimate crosstime domestic disturbance when future husband and wife, Roger Wilco and Beatrice Wankmeister, write an end to this ridiculous farce we like to call... SPACE QUEST SMACKDOWN!

     BEATRICE: "Wait a second--I have to fight Roger?!?"

Comments, questions, suggestions... jess@wiw.org