by Laurie Neptune

    This issue, Sales-Being Quarterly takes time out to interview an individual who has truly made his mark in the world of retail sales. Fester Blatz's sales tactics are well-known throughout the galaxy and have recently been compiled in his new book The Art of the Sale (Planetary Press, $49.95). Throughout his long career, Blatz has faced adversity numerous times and yet has managed to land on his feet time and time again. In the alien-eat-alien world of retail sales, he serves as a testament to hard work, determination, and salesmanship. We caught up with Fester at his most recent business venture, Implants-N-Stuff on Polysorbate LX. This is what he had to say.

Laurie Neptune:  Good afternoon, Mr. Blatz.  I'm glad you could take time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

Fester Blatz:  Why, there's no need to go and get all formal on me, Laurie.  You feel free to call me Fester!  Only my dentist and my bookie call me Mr. Blatz and I haven't seen my dentist in over twelve years.

LN:  Of course, Mr. Blatz--er, Fester.  So, would you mind telling me a bit about your early life?  Just how did you become the salesman extraordinaire that we see before us today?

FB:  I wouldn't mind in the least, Laurie.  I was born 123 years ago on the small planet of Gangrene IV. My father, Rankle Blatz, was a successful door-to-door door salesman and my mother worked part-time at a local department store. From the time that I was barely knee-high to an Artillian grasshopper, I already knew that I wanted to be a salesman, too. So, at the tender age of four and a half, I launched my first business venture: Fester's Lemonade Emporium. The business turned out to be a big hit with the kids in my neighborhood. Within a year, I cashed in and made a killing by selling the business to a major lemonade conglomerate. With the buckazoids I made off the deal, I decided to put myself through the Sales Institute of Technology on Elbert III. There, I studied under Dr. Hocking for about three years, learning all the tricks of the trade. When I completed my course of study--and I graduated in the top fifty percent of my class, I'll have you know--I decided it was time to get back into the business world. After earning a few bu ckazoids working at the local Monolith Burger franchise, I settled down on Phleebhut and opened the World O'Wonders.

LN:  Which brings me to my next question. Why the World O'Wonders, Fester? Phleebhut is an uninhabited backwater planetoid on the edge of the galaxy. Most people wouldn't think of it as a potential tourist attraction, but you managed to make it work somehow. How did you pull off this entrepreneurial feat?

FB:  Well, Laurie, that's the kind of stuff I talk about in my new book, The Art of the Sale, available at finer bookstores everywhere for under fifty buckazoids. But, I'll let your readers in on a bit of a preview of what they'll find in the book. Whereas most folks looked at Phleebhut and saw a desert planet with no potential, I looked at Phleebhut and saw a desert planet with no competition. I realized that if I could set up a decent tourist trap--er, attraction, I could make a fortune. So, with the money I had saved up through the years, I built the now-famous mechanical statue of Mog and opened the World O'Wonders at its base. Pretty soon, suckers--er, tourists, started rolling in. Of course, while I sold quite a few Astro Chicken flight hats and other such novelty items, the real buckazoids came from the thriving Orium trade I set up.

LN:  So, how did you end up here on Polysorbate? What made you decide to abandon the World O'Wonders?

FB:  That's an interesting story, Laurie. One day while I was out on my morning walk--I like to keep in shape, you know--I stumbled onto a cloaked ship a few skareens from the World O'Wonders. It seemed to have been abandoned by whoever landed it there. So, after invoking the ancient law of Finderus Keeperus, I took the ship into my possession. Needless to say, cloaking technology can bring a pretty penny on the black market. But, being the honest businessman that I am, I decided to sell it to StarCon instead. So, with the money I made from the deal, I decided to do a little travelling. I had read quite a bit about Polysorbate's scenic cityscapes and thriving economy, so I decided to vacation there. When I arrived, I never managed to find the scenery I had read so much about. What I did find, however, was a place ripe for the fleecing--er, full of business opportunities. So, I decided to leave the World O'Wonders behind and opened this fine store you see before you, Implants-N-Stuff.

LN:  Rumor has it that a great deal of your revenue here at Implants-N-Stuff comes from the sale of illegal moddies and cyberjacks. Is there any truth to these allegations?

FB:  I can neither confirm nor deny those rumors. Let's just put it this way: if your readers are looking for such quasi-legal items as you just mentioned, the authorities here on Polysorbate are rather lenient, if you know what I mean.

LN:  I believe I follow you, Fester. Now, you've had a long career as a salesman. I'm sure that throughout all those years, you've probably encounted some really interesting customers. I've even heard that the Hero of Xenon, Roger Wilco, has visited you stores on multiple occasions.

FB:  Wilco, eh? The name seems to ring a bell... let me think. A tall guy with brown hair? Or was it blonde? Oh, wait--Roger Wilco. Now I remember. Nice enough fella, but he seemed a bit dim, if you know what I mean. Now, if you want a real celebrity, Jerry Springbot was in here just a couple of weeks ago. I just love his show--talk about a hoot!

LN:  Very interesting! So, Fester, if I might pry a bit, is there a Mrs. Blatz?

FB:  I already told you about my mother, didn't I?

LN:  No, I meant is there currently a significant other in your life?

FB:  Oh, I got ya. Believe it or not, Laurie, there isn't. You'd think that a successful businessman like myself would have to beat the females off with a stick, wouldn't you? Say, you wouldn't be interested in getting some dinner later, would you? I know a great burger joint out in Sector 62...

LN:  Why, I'd love to, Fester! Before we jet out of here, could you let the readers in on the secret of your sales technique?

FB:  Sure. The secret of my sales technique is... well, buy a copy of The Art of the Sale and you'll find out that and a whole lot more! Available now at your local bookstore for under fifty buckazoids.

LN:  There you have it readers! Thank you very much for your time, Fester. Now, tell me more about this restaurant...

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